Saturday, October 2, 2010

Every cloud have a silver lining ... ?

I have not written for a long long time now, partly due to the lost of inspiration and also my self centreness. Lately a lot of things are evolving around me, internal and external factor all together.

Things always happens for a reason, and when what we expect does not come to us now could be because we are not ready for it, hence we are not being given. And when the time is right we will have it without due. Things always happen for a reason and no matter how disappointed we are or delighted as it may seems, always feel blessed that it happens, and always for a reason !

My feelings swing from left to right, I was very disappointed and sad; but guess all the lessons bestow upon me had me taught me to see things from a different perspective that it's a relief that it didn't happen. As I was also dragging my feet for it to happen. And may be its also a blessing in disguise.

I don't know what to say; as it is truly amazing when you belief in the universe and surrender to it. Let go all your expectations as you have already done what you have possibly done trying to make things happen, you just have to trust that the universe is doing all its mean to make it happen for you. This is what I am feeling now. It happens, when you just let it be; do not force things, opening up my heart to allow abundance to flows in.

Then again, it is not without doing nothing. Just allowing the result to be. It is the journey that makes us whole not the destiny itself.

I'm still learning, and the journey is still ongoing. I thank you who still allows me to have faith and continue opening up my heart to have hope returning to me.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

familiar yet distance

I have always find Hong Kong to be a familiar place, a place then is familiar to me. But deep down it seems to be a distance, the crowded streets, the fast moving pace of basically everything; from the traffic to the people to the daily lives. For example, waitress would not wait and let us sit there reading our the menu on our own to fast moving escalators and people walking in a speedy motion. One may call it efficiency but its just not a place for me to live in.

Then again I have always find food and people to be familiar, a sense of closeness to them. Perhaps somehow may be in my past past life I lived here before.

Somehow its really funny, how we can experience that sense of deja vu every now and then. Its really unexplainable even in science. But it does happens.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

moving on II

Suddenly I was being reminded of 'little finger'; I kinda miss the intensity we shared before. And I was wondering whether you had already move on. Your pain still felt like a sharp penetration into my heart. The intensity of your suffering and pain is still very vivid in me and my heart.

I do sincerely hope that you have move on, and I am not going to miss those moments. Rather would hope that it will pass soon. Today is especially vulnerable when you came into my mind. Then again you will always always have a special spot in my heart and mind. ALl the pain you have suffer, I suffer with you; all the tears you flow I flow too. the shrapnel of the shatter glasses, can be remove piece by piece however the cuts and wounds need times to heal. I heal with you.

It may not be possible it is true, I felt for what you feel. I breath the air you breathed. I see the moon you admire and lost count of the many full moon that pasts. I wish upon the moon Goddess to give you guidance to the next journey. Shine on you the peace and clarity of your next adventure.

I just hope you are well and are letting your hair down for a moment to see the world around you. Little finger, I miss you.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

moving on

I .. hesitating how to start the line for a moment. I want a massage just now as my shoulder is hurting alot. I frequent this massage place in Soi 33 (more famously known as Soi Renaissance as the bar names are all name after the Renaissance figures) But the shop SA Massage was not there anymore. It have change to Teen 3 massage with dark glasses ! When I was walking inside from the BTS station, I talk tot myself that I have not been here for almost 3 years now, is she still operating ? After the protest in May, a lot of people are jobless and things turn bad.

So I end up up going to next door, which seems more like a better place and to my shock the price of massage had drop, from 450 / 2 hr to 300/ 2 hr that I had with Khun Sa. Society divides and double with a corrupt government, people are the most badly affected. Couldn't imagine how anyone could survive when the price of goods increases without the price of wages being increase to go with it.

The second time, I felt sad was that the taxi driver told me that times are bad now, from this after 3pm (it was past midnight when I board his cab) till now he only get 500bht and gas cost him 200bht. And he pointed to me look so many taxis queueing up at the road side .. no passenger !

I travel to Bangkok very often, and this year its my 3rd time; and I have a feeling I will be here more often. But the society is so divided, the rich are really filthy rich, when the poor are really suffering. Making ends meet and merely surviving. And what is wrong when the poor tries to fight for their rights so that government take a look at its people ! Pay a little attention to the people who votes and serve them as they gave you their trust in governing them !

Life is so fragile that we never knows what happens next; I have only regrets that I didn't go earlier to SA's place. SHe took me as a very frequent customer, giving me fruits to eat while waiting and gave me her best masseur. I hope she is healthy and also life is taking care of her.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

procrastinate

Sometimes we tend to wait a little longer when we know we should have done it right away, that it should not be left unattended. Our heart and head always play the Dr Jackryl and Mr Hyde game. Yes and No, just wait a little while lar.

In everyone of us there is always an urge to go for it, then again very often as well that there is something in that little corner telling us the opposite of what may be. Perhaps it's the fear of failure, perhaps it's the courage that is lack, or perhaps it's expectations of the outcome. We tend to procrastinate our action on what should've been done now. Some people wait their whole life and not realising what magic it would've done if they act on it now. Some regret their whole life for the passed chance. Then again, some may just fail when they act on it now. But then again, just that you know you have done and fail is always better then you have never act at all !

Life should be live and not just pass by, to fail and pick up to continue and perfecting the mistake is better then never had tried at all. After all life is not a smooth sailing course for it is these failures that will lead us to perfect and fine tune our lives better. Our ultimate reason in this journey on earth is to learn to be a better person so that no mistake is repeated the net time. Not measure by the amount of materials we own but by the amount of love that we give and receive in return. By the amount of knowledge and lesson we gather that leads us to wisdom and wise.

Even today I am a penniless person, I am learned. I was given the lesson to persevere and to continue on with my commitment to what I believe in. Rather then to change my course be someone whom I am not in order to be at par with people that are going after the wrong reason. Materials satisfaction is of second to the ultimate lesson one should learn form the situation. No matter how hard one needs from material satisfaction one should always not forget about the basic human nature and give in to the exterior pressure. All the pennies I earned will not be taken with me when I leave. All the pennies will be left behind to those who needs it most !

I am always not the person who will procrastinates, again lesson being given that I should not act in a haste. That may be I should wait a little longer, that I should look and see and evaluate.
There you are people acts differently in different stages of their life.

But never fear to go for it ! SO what stage are you now ?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

a second chance

In the situation of life and death, there is just a very thin line between both. A very thin fine line and that line is being connected by will. When we have a strong will to die, we will let go of all and be in still. When we have a very strong will to survive, with all our might we want to continue breathing. Our will power dictates where we want to be and how we want to be.

Sometimes the more we struggle the worse the situation will become and very often just when we release off our struggle and let the flow be, we expect more then we envision it will be. Somehow my last encounter had given me a whole new perspective in life. I had done more then I should and I have been struggling too hard and too far ! I tried so much to see the outcome that I want it to happen. I want it my way. And very often it didn't come out the way I want it to be. One of Buddha's teaching is to welcome things with an open heart that is to let go of all expectations and struggle. Only will we be free from the burden of fear and failure.

I consider myself re-born to live life not the same way I should but better then I had. And always every person deserve a second chance, because no one is perfect. We repeat and repeat our mistakes to make ourselves a better person in the process of growing and learning.

To see the many things is so many angles and perspectives; sometimes to really listen and not by merely hearing. To see into things instead of just looking at it. Feel deeply with our heart rather then manipulated by our mind !

Does all these makes sense at all ? I seek to understand ...

Thank you so much for giving me a second chance,

Thank you for lifting me out from the struggle

I shall let you determine my destiny


Sunday, August 15, 2010

on 13th August 2010 in Bali, it was Friday !

I don't know what to title this post. The last one week it was filled to the extreme .. new friendship ties, and strengthen another ! From someone casual to someone closer.

We had fun diving and sightseeing, we share jokes on food and people, from casual to close. And one incident change me forever, I am not sure. Just the day before, we were on top of the world with our wishes granted and permitted but the next day, at that same place we were brought to the entrance of hell .. teaching us the most important lesson in life, survival !

The whole group ( 7 of us including Divemaster Asa) was caught in the down current; we were separated as 2 groups; with one group hanging at the corals. And I was ok swimming near to the corals catching up on them. And when I turn back, I had no idea of what would come next. The only instinct is grab hold of her and not loss her. She is part of my responsibility, as I have unconsciously taken it from her buddy.

In that moment of struggle (we are being suck in the down current and me trying hard to inflate my BCD to lift 2 persons, we seems not to be moving up at all !! ) I was asking for help, I don't want to die. And I look up .. the sky is blue and visibility is clear from 20m ! I can see clearly the blue sky with white clouds ... I cry out for help, please help me ! And the next moment I know we are slowly lifted up to the surface.

The moment we were at the surface, my mind was on you where are you ? I keep asking the boatman where are you ? I told him in Bahasa one diver got drifted far out .. look far look out !! I was very worried for a moment, looking at the surface how far can the current brings you ! And a sausage came up floating, I thought it was the DM's but boatman says no ! then we pick up one more diver, yet there is no sign of you ! Where are you ?? Boat man decided to have a closer look whose diver is that ? A new sausage ! There you are the voice .. and I was relieved !

The rest I did not worry that much. Because the most important person at that moment is safe in my sight ! A friend in twitter asks me "who is in your mind?" I did not answer her immediately, because I wasn't sure what was in my mind. All I can think of is to be safe and when I am safe the next person in mind is you. The one that slip my hand; among the bubbles I saw you drifting away and within seconds was out of my sight !

I was frantically asking the boatman to look for you, but a different person show up ! I had to have my attention on her while in my heart and mind I had only you.

So in that very moment it was you in my mind. I was released from all others, I was set free and I think I am prepared for a new life !




Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Crossing path

The last few days was really amazing. How things unfold and how attractions works. Its a little amazing, just before I come I was reminded of my little test that I did with Law of attraction when I when to Laos' Luang Prabang. I make my mind to think of one design and surprisingly while sitting at one of the coffee shop a girl came with a bracelet that resembles the design exactly !!

SO it reminded me of the power of our subconscious mind. I thought of having mien kam on the first day of exhibition and told Poo. Then the next day Jee brought mien kam to the hall !!!

And the other amazing thing is, Maggie was telling me that the deep fried pork skin she bought will be best to be eaten with the yellow noodle from Manado. And just so happen that Mrs Sim's friend brought them the wantan mee from Yaowarat and would like to share it with us. Mrs Sim did offer Maggie earlier but she rejected. Then I again offer her, and she was like wow this is The noodle from Manado !!

And again good things happen, we were walking along Kao San rd for Maggie and Calvin to experience the hip place. This guy came from behind and pointing at my green teddy bear bag saying he printed it ... but I couldn't remember his face as it was 5 years ago !!! I too could not remember where I bought it, it could be a night market somewhere. Pitch is his name. His face, his happiness shows so much when he saw that his art is being aprreciated. I really like this bag !! the one thing that attracts me to it immediately is the striking red heart ! he was halfway painting it when I saw it, I think it was at the Ratchprasong interchange near to Erawan Shrine I bought this bag. I told him I wait for it to dry, I want the bag !



Then again, since the day of arriving Bangkok, I have been in up and down; yes and no; trying to play out scenes if we do meet/bum into each other. I really miss you 'little finger'


Thursday, June 24, 2010

claustrophobe

Last Sunday, we went to the local mall nearby and it was the last day of school holiday as well as Father’s Day, so it pretty full in the car park and we have to move to the highest level.

Lift came went in with 2 more people, and it was full. So the next level down, came another family of 5 squeezing in; being the tolerant and culture we have in this multi racial country. Most of us keep quite. The door closed but was having a little problem closing actually. DANG !!! it jammed !!!! we are being lock inside !!!

And no one acted anything, I ask the boy nearest to the emergency phone to press the button asking for help. This “ah Pek” from the family was yelling and shouting ... from his voice one can hear of his desperation and fear ! It is just a lift jam not a dying situation.

I am claustrophobic but I am not like him .. he is so extremely hyper, calling out to his friend yelling and banging the lift door asking for help. When clearly the maintenance guy had given instruction to wait they are coming to help. Still Ah Pek is afraid that he keep calling out to his friend outside and banging the door. Until I have to tell to him keep quite and not doing anything, the maintenance guy say wait and he is rectifying the problem. Bare in mind all these yelling and banging happens within less then 10mins. And we are out of the lift in less then 15 mins !!! I would say the maintenance is very efficient, may be due to too regular breakdown.

I do not understand why he had acted that way, when his sons and daughter even wife is quiet and waiting. Didn’t even show any sign of fear but him; he was so frantic. At that moment, he really acted and clearly show his fear. What is he afraid of ? I have to admit that when I walk out of the lift, I felt dizzy. And need to get fresh air kind of feeling though luckily inside the lift the ventilation fan is working well.

But what really intrigue me is the way this guy reacted, so annoying and so paranoid !! Always remember, and I always keep in mind whenever there is a crisis stop think act; there is no point panicking ...

Monday, June 14, 2010

drift

I couldn’t write, I can’t see and I can't absorb what is around me. I was so self centered and lost. I really felt lost and drifting away. My mind is not focus, for whatever reason I wasn’t sure. It could be that I am tire, physically and mentally. As I grow, my body resistance tends to weaken. As I hit more walls my soul and spirit become more tire and weary then before. And the more walls one hit the more fear grows and the more resilient we built.

Age could have a part in it, as I prepare to face my next decade. I have never felt so tire before. Perhaps the last decade have utilise all my energy without reservation and go to the maximum. I suddenly lost the passion to drive on. And with my mind so weak and lost I couldn’t perform as what a Gemini is best at, powerful thoughts and mental stimulations. My body is telling me everyday that it is tire, but this cannot be. This cannot be the condition any longer, I know somewhere inside me knows that I need to get out, get up and move on. One small steps will leads to another bigger one. And then just as I step up, I hit the wall again, stumble and fall.

I hit the wall, I sit there, recuperate and stand up, I again hit the wall, quickly stand up, then again I hit, this time .. I just sit there staring blankly ahead !

A friend told me that for whatever reason I must not give up, because behind those dark clouds always they will be silver lining. I know deep down inside me I will never give up, I will find ways to carry on; but of late there are many question that I ask myself the reason I have to carry on. I can't seems to answer any. Perhaps, I have push myself too hard or I have not done enough ?

The more I force myself to try to find away out of the situation the more frustration I come into. Sometimes, it is best to just let it be when we know all that we want to do have been done. I am learning to be patience but the waiting is always excruciating and painful.

What else can be done then ?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Lake retreat

Want to share with you here a beautiful retreat located in Chenderoh Lake between Gerik and Kuala Kangsar, Perak.

SukaSuka Lake Retreat ... my brothers and I had frequented this lake for our annual fishing for quite some years now. But this place had some how elude from us as my brother had tried numerous times to get in contact with them without success. However a recent article provides him with an updated contact. And I would say may be this is destine that we finally get to come to this place... alas. And to top it we were cast away .. only 3 of us in the whole island alone. The owner had another property in mainland near to the village jetty and was running full house, so that is the reason why we are left on the island alone. That's a nice experience like having our very own place to ourselves. It was nice, but because I was sick before and during the trip I didn't really venture out of the canteen / reception area. And really wanted to rest. Otherwise I wold have sit outside and admire the silence and also the skies.

But one funny thing, I seems to have unique experiences with moon. I was awaken by the stillness (no wind and it was a little humid) then I saw outside, the moon was rising in between the tress in the horizon behind the mountains with the lake reflecting its light.. If I am feeling better then I would have walk outside and take in the whole moment.. that moment !

The moon was rising behind those mountains.


The path that leads to the rooms ... grasses are nicely trim, reflects a well kept garden.

And funny part is, the owner trusted us 3 with their 'home' .. allowing us to be home alone in their home, which they claim in their 15 years of operation they have never hand their home to anyone before.

Is this 'takdir' ? Destine ?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

41 years ago


41 years ago I was born into this world, my mom went into labor in the middle of the night and pray that I be born past the 15th (Chinese new moon) as it is believe that a baby born during new moon or full moon will have a hard life, especially if I am born on the same day as Buddha, who will suffer hardship. And it was also during this time 41 years ago, racial tension grows into violent with curfews and killings of innocent Chinese. Mom deliver me in darkness and having to hold back her pain without any scream, and even when I was born, no noises are being made for fear of discovered.

Though I was not born on new moon day,I was born to have a very hard life and I have come to accept it by now, then again no matter how hard life will I am determine to overcome every challenge and barrier that lies ahead. Every corner is a turning, and every turning there could be lights; hence after every storm there will be sunshine, only when we have persevere through it all we will be able to see them. I have learned this well. Though it can be tire at times, but with courage and hope; I am sure one day, we will make it no matter how slow it takes us .. as long as we are sincere and pure the universe will soon lead us through.

Last weekend, I had an amazing encounter. I saw a pair of beautiful 'flower snakehead' fish 2 years ago; their scene is still very vivid in my mind. Beautiful couple swimming in the water playful like yin and yang. And that time I had tried so hard to try to fish them and provoke them but have not the slight chance. And it is believe that this kind of fish is difficult to catch. I am consider one of the lucky one; I had the chance to fish it out ! I was surprise to see it .. the body had 4 dots 'flowers' and its eyes are red ! And as my brother says no point to keep this fish as we may not be able to rear it alive and also they are always a pair so release it back to the water to be united with its partner. And in anyway I really do not want to separate them either.
Will this be luck or is it pure co-incidence ?

I tried as much as I can to go away during my birthdays, one of the more memorable one is when I went to Luang Prabang, Laos. A trip that I went alone, hearing and reading from news and articles that it is a place time stood still. I want to see for myself how it gets its name. Truly enough Luang Prabang is a memorable experience, though all my pictures have lost due to my mac crash and no back up before that.

I have 2 pictures left that will keep my memory of this place.

A beautiful water fall ..
Offering merit to the hundreds of monk on the morning of my 38 birthday .. I learned that it is not offering, to me I felt like I have enough to share with my fellow human being my wealth. And from then on, I tried to share as much as I can thinking that I always have enough.


What about you ? Which is your most memorable birthday so far ?



Monday, May 24, 2010

Society is divided

I was very concerned about the recently ended crisis in Bangkok, the Red shirt protest against the PM and goverment. A little of the history, Red Shirt comprises of the rural poor, those mainly from the north of Thailand, in Chiang Mai, Isaan provinces and Chiang Rai.

Though I have many friends in Bangkok, the gathered city of the elites and royalist in Thailand. However I sympathise on the Reds as Thailand is moving towards a much bigger problem then the mere protest of PM and democracy. This is just the surface of the boiling pot. The deep dived of society between those from the city of Angel and those farmers, peasants from the North and North East; as government always forgets about another example is the deep south (Narathiwat, Yala and Pattani ) This is the biggest issue when I talk to friends from the city, they would always blame it on the poor for not working hard, for not following the system.

Now I am curious, in a family, parents are the one who will run the daily lives of the whole household. And every children are born with different intelligent, interest and capability. The elder one may be smart and quick witted, the youngest girl may be artistic and have a natural talent, then again out of a sudden a child was born autistic; that one son that is a little slow in picking up and learning. Our parents do not leave this child behind, put him in an orphanage, and let him be it; whether he can be independent and find food for himself or whether he will be given the same opportunity to learn and school. As parents, no one will deny him the right to live and a chance to flourish in his own way. As the head of the state, no one should deny the benefit to ALL, every single person under the territory it belongs to have a right the share. There goes the same in every state and family, as long as this child belongs to the family be it an adopted or a born, he or she deserve to be treated equally between Mom and Dad.

Every farmer or bankers or engineers deserve the same rights and benefits as a citizen of the country; and the no one should be left behind when the country prospers. When a child fights, the parents will have to think of ways to teach them that they are all under the same roof from the same family surname !

I was really very sad to see this is happening in Bangkok and the social divide is a very big problem that if the parents did not address it, will break the whole family apart.

And I am afraid that it may spread to us the cousins and neighbour. Malaysia is moving towards being a government that is blinded to corruption and moving the gap of social divide bigger then it use to be 10 years before. If the divide continues to break it will be worst then in Thailand as we have so many different of colours, races and religion.

If you have an autistic child will you leave him / her behind ? So that he / she will not shame you or your family ?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

loyal and betrayal

Loyal and betrayal both comes together, at the same time. I was shared today. And it had me thinking what is the price of loyalty and what do you get out of betrayal ?

I sympathise a friend whom had dedicated his 18 years of working time in a company only to realise that his contribution so far had not been valued and will be put in the freezer to be frozen until his retirement next year. 18 years in a company is a very long period, loyalty ! He could have jump ship for a 'better' employer or continue to jump for better opportunities during his younger days. But he remain in the same company for 18 years. Loyal but not appreciated. Are you loyal to your employer ? to your friends ? to the kopitiam stall that you frequent everyday, every week, every month. How many of us are ? Not many and in this society that we live in now, people are given so much of choices and influences that we almost forgot what loyalty means. What does it mean to you ? Loyalty to a friend, to your family, to your employer; does it means a lot ? or none ? Between human if we lose this one valuable trait within us, we are more or less left with no value at all. Our relationship, between each of us, loyalty could be the very last to give up. To stay loyal when the most unfortunate strikes, to stay loyal even though we are being tested to the maximum.

If this basic value that we as human are betrayed, it leave us without any value among fellow being. We are not belong, we will be our own. Who would want to be align with one that had no value ?

Have you been betray before ?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

still .. stuck ... block ..

Whichever word that you prefer, the meaning to almost the same; not moving, stagnant. This is the condition of my mind now, my physical situation as well. And it has lasted almost a month now. I tried and tried to find the answer, but it keeps eluding me.

Every now and then we should take a break, stop all we are doing and let time for a little re-evaluation, re-assessment, re-connect, whatever you may call it, the word here is RE. We re-visit our very own core of existence, the very reason why we are where we are now .. in others words not to allow ourselves to went astray !

Do you or have you ever stop and re-visit your root ? The very reason why you are doing what you are doing now ? Are you on the right track ? Are you doing what your heart tells you to do ? or your mind insists of doing ? Most the time alot among us are doing things that we might not want to do, but we have to do. The choice is always ours to make and if it turns out bad, we have the responsibility to accept it.

I constantly keep myself align, so that I do things with my heart and passion. That way, I am being true to my heart and my responsibility towards my work and myself. Being real ! And to always stay real and passionate so that the flames keep burning and continue to burn. I am always a survivor and I do believe victory belongs to the most persevere. Because life is no matter how much you have to endure, you must come out unspoiled of it.

At which juncture, where are you now ?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

nature's food chain ...

I was watching travel & living on Astro and to my horrible surprise ignorant series "Getaway" feature a clip of the host feeding the Trevally fish on one of the island in Australia.

I always oppose to the idea of feeding animals be it on land or in the water. Animals have their own way of finding food, unless they are injure and are unable to hunt for food. then we lend a helping hand while they re-habilitate. And not intentiously feeding them. By feeding these animals they will become domesticated and they break the food chain. Everything, be it on land or in the in the water, have a big food chain of its own. The moment we break one part it is doom and will soon comes back to us human which is also a part of the food chain. Why do we human resolve to feeding them just to impress the tourist in US ? I also echo my favourite author, put down the tag "Save the Earth" instead educate human first !

The next time you travel .. PLEASE CONSIDER responsibly and respecting the environment, DO NOT ENCOURAGE your guide to feeding of animals. And do not break the food chain, just like the earth is telling us that we are doing so much of harm to it that it is giving us hints daily with earthquake to reminds us !!

Shark feeding ... THINK what if the shark mistaken the toe as the fish ?? I really hope it will .. so that human will learn the lesson the bitter way !

Monday, March 29, 2010

the people or the elite bunch ?

Recently I have been following on some politics from around; Bangkok, KL or even US.

Politics are so corrupt and it is not the most healthiest to practise especially in office and within groups of friends. But without it between governments and countries will not function well.

I am following it to for the sake of seeing how people change and fluctuates when comes to serving their country and its citizens. I see only the surface as I am no insider about who is who or whom is gang up with whom and what strategy to each is applying in the arts of war !

I stress my points that politicians or member of parliaments are all elected by people; people from the street, people who are real and living in that country. A lot of times politicians fail to see that they are being elected by the locals to voice out their grievances in the parliament, MP's are the people's voice !

I am citing example in Thailand, I see the real people, the poor are seeking a person who gives them a better life, a person whom had built the country's economy from bad to good during the crisis in 1998. But all is forgotten as he is not friendly with a certain elite group. So who should an MP or politician serve ? The people or the elite ?

Same goes to our current situation in MCA, a local race base political party. Its current past President had taken the bull by the horn to address reform and change within the association to make it relevant to the people. But instead he stir the elite's hornet and got himself into trouble for doing so; polls still suggest that he is the people's choice ! Again who should the president serve ? the people or the elite ?

it is sad that the general public is being ignored but it will not be long when the People Power rises again. A country is a country when there are citizens and people will only want to live in it when they know it is save and provides them with security and food ! When the border line is crossed and its people fell threaten, human as in any being will retreat and resist, will retaliate and rebel !

So in a country or organisation who will be the main backbone; the people or the elites; the work force or the managers ?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The edge ... and back !


My hearts is feeling a little pain, its hurting me. 2 more days to full moon, the bright lights shining from the windows again captures my attention. Can never resist the beauty of it, in the middle of the nights when the whole world is slowing down, its residence is, in this part of the globe is resting. The almost full moon is when I will always be reminded of one person. I will miss her a lot. And it hurts a lot too. I hope that she had found peace with herself and allows love to flow in to her and not let things passes by.
It pinch into your heart fiercely when you know that someone you love dearly is not responding to you, and refusing to let love flow in. It hurts everyone when the one refuses to let the flow flow freely.  But as it is supposed to be, universe have its own way and there is a process that we all need to go through instead of rushing in to process it. Time …

The full moon will always be my reminder of this person whom had come into my life as reminder. Reminding me about soul mate, reminding me about now. It was a very intense 3 months , it had been a period of intensity to the maximum and had me once again all worn out. I am tire and it almost push me to the edge. 

Life is as always a process and a world classroom that provides us with so much of lessons and teachings to seek the better of whom we are. With each lessons and hints from the universe we hope to change ourselves to become whom we seek out to be.

I will always think of you ‘little finger’, the fullmoon will be my reminder !

Sunday, March 21, 2010

shock ...

While I was in Jakarta attending DEEP & EXTREME Indonesia as a buyer, I was shock to know of 2 death on the same day, within the same hour. Though non of the deceased are close to me but it is shocking enough that the last I met them is last year July in KL. One is a young man; hard working and nice, the other is someone new not too acquainted but still was a shock as he is healthy looking.

For a moment during the table talk buyer meet sellers session, I was taken aback. Their leaving had me stop for a moment. Life could be just like that and very often its just like that. But yeah like Rantje says life goes on, it happens everyday. But I was really taken a back, Zain of Dive Indonesia and Svein of Siladen.

I do understand that we must appreciate what we have now and cherish whom we have now. But sometimes things cannot be hurried. There's always a process to follow, to speed up the process will make matters worse if not worsen what it already is. Sometimes I want to just rush in, but very often we can not do just that. The process must be follow. If its not time yet, we have to wait and be patience.

I hope their soul will rest in peace and I am sadden that I do not have the chance to do business with Zain at all. He is hardworking and energetic ! Too pre-mature to end his journey.

Friday, March 19, 2010

lost and found

* this post was created on 27th February 2010; somehow I almost forgot about it until now.

Yesterday I was so happy I found back a pendant that I thought was lost. It was a black colored heart shape pendant made of a kind of stone that I bought from Kwai, Thailand. And also at the same time ALL my contacts in my new phone was lost when I did a sync with my laptop. And in there was a contact that I most wanted to keep, a person's contact that I still want to keep close to my heart as I know that we have not close the chapter yet. and while transferring the contacts I manage to retrieve the number from my sim card, I found again.

That feeling of lost and found, makes me treasures it more now. This pendant is of black color which is consider a bad luck color what more its a heart shape pendant in black, my Mom do not like it at all. But I kept it. Deep in my heart, I thought that Mom had throw my pendant away. She did it once with my one of the orang utan I brought back from a dive show. I was angry and did not talk to her for a few days. So when she says that she don't like this pendant and it got missing. I thought she throw it away again. But NO, it was hidden in a corner in my closet. But why is it there ? I have no idea. And when I saw that pendant, I was like ... guilty, happy and sad ! Guilty of accusing my Mom of throwing it away ( though I only realise of it's missing last year when Mom already passed away) happy because I really like the pendant. Sad because Mom won't be able to see that I am always going against her will, the rebellious one.

Only when we realise that we have lost that we will know how much we value it. SO when it is found back, we know we are given a second chance to appreciate it more.

How often we are given that second chance ?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

finally .. I have been to Bali !

After 8 years, I first came to Bali in 2002 a month after the first Bali bomb, I have not the chance to visit Tanah Lot. The past 8 years I have visited Bali more then 6 times, and every time I was either staying in Ubud or Candidasa or too short trips.

Today finally Kadek Andi opens up my interest to visit Tanah Lot while transferin me from Alam Asmara to Kuta. He offer to transfer me to Tanah Lot just a short de-tour. I hesitated but was thinking since I have nothing to do in Kuta might as well go. He was telling me that there was a saying by Java resident that to come to Bali without going to Tanah Lot is like not having been to Bali at all. So for me finally, I have been to Bali ! But I can’t go into the temple because I was having my menstruation and sacred places of worship are forbidden. So I guess I have to save it for my next visit.
Finally, I can say I have been to Bali now; Tanah Lot, I remember seeing a picture of my mom or dad taken in Tanah Lot when he is working in Surabaya in the older days. Now I am finally here.
I guess this is how the universe work sometimes, just when we did not expect it, we are given the chance to it. Just be patience and trust that it is on the way and the way will be lead to you. Be patience and have faith and trust that the message you sent out had been received and taken care of.

I am full, I am grateful and I feel blessed ! Finally my journey of Bali is complete. I hope to make it whole, please allow me to be whole and complete








Tuesday, March 16, 2010

another journey ....

Through out my career I have had many journeys, some to new destinations some re-visiting. Every journey have its own lesson in it. Just 6 days back, I started another. My planned journey, Jakarta, Labuan Bajo (Komodo Island) and Bali. And who I'll be meeting is not known. Meeting new people that's for sure, new experience with a group of 16 - 20 people that's for sure. And having a room mate that I don't know who will be another experience.

When I start my journey last Thursday, my mind was all over; on the extra baggage that I need to carry for Mr Sim, on the people that I will meet at the show, on how to capture more sales. But the moment I am in the departure hall, all these flies away; I told myself to open up for what may come, and allow it the freedom to flow in.

I was glad that this time the group of buyers are more friendlier then the last, mainly I think is because most of us are from Asia, I mean residing in Asia as there are 3 white men which resides in Thailand and Taiwan. So they are more or less adapted to the Asia culture. We share quite a lot of jokes, and particularly one Eddie the joker from Taiwan who is also a 2nd time buyer. He did not give me a good impression last year when I misjudge him, thinking he is here more of a seller rather then a buyer.. Anyway, when our flight from Jakarta to Bali was cancel and made us waited for more then 4 hours for another flight; we had the chance to really slow down and get into some light hearted chats and sharing of experiences. Eddie allows me to see a different side of him or put it that I see another side of Eddie when he was talking about his daughter the precious. He and his wife had been trying for years and due to the fact the his wife is a diabetic makes it even more precious that she is finally born healthy and safe. I can see in his eyes the joy of being whole and complete !! This is Eddie ..


And during this trip, I share room. I was thinking to share or stay single. I have never share room for quite some time now as I was so use to travelling alone and being alone. So I decided to just share ...

And on the first day, as we arrive from various countries of destinations in my list my room mate is a Korean. You know the idea of like how she looks like, is she fun to be with or the snobbish type bla bla bla. And she arrive quite late after we had dinner and I went back to the room, check mails etc ... she came in about 10:30 pm I lock the door so she was taken aback and I open the door for her ! tadaaaa ..... a young girl ? hahahahaha .... and quite fun too ! but being a Korean she does act like one. Anyway Colleen was fun and chatty, but I think she is fresh hence she just maintain her distance on conversation with the rest.  Colleen ....



During our 3rd day on the 13th we were suppose to fly to Denpasar Bali to connect to Labuan Bajo Komodo. However as fate may have it that our flight to Bali was cancel and everything just suddenly turn upside down. All schedule went havoc ... shuttling between terminal 2 & 3, missing 2 members, and waited for 4 hours (we woke up at 2:45 am) for our 7am flight. So much possibilities and uncertainties, we may overnight in Bali, we not end up in Komodo at ALL ! However I leave it to the universe if I am destine to be in Bali or fated to stay in Jayakarta ! The group was so upset when knowing the possibility that they may not end up in Komodo. But fate or some may call it God, I would just say the universe always have a way of its own. It is a blessing that I don't have to overnight on the boat .. so funny ;p

Sometimes if we really allow things to just flow in and not forcing or expecting too much what we will get in return will be much more then we expect. I am more enlighten after this journey as it took us 12 hours from Jakarta to Labuan Bajo when we should be there in 5 hours !! Just let it unfold when you know you have done your best ...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

see ... staring

I was watching this drama series and this last scene's quote caught my interest " ... these people here, they actually see me, I use to work in a place where people will stare at me all night long but they never saw me ..."

A lot of times we just stare at things without really seeing them, staring point blank without really seeing. It goes the same we live through our life without really experiencing and learning from what the lessons is for. Most the time we just pass by it and that's it not knowing what it is for.

Most sadly is we just see through a person as if he or she doesn't exist at all in our life. We just ignore them and not valuing their existence in our life .... until we lose them. A lot of people wants our acknowledgements, wants our acceptance but very often we just stare point blank, without any response. It makes me think what is in their mind. What makes these people exists at all ?

It is interesting that we are all control by our brain, nerves and thoughts; physically and mentally but quite amazing that sometimes both doesn't synchronise at all. The mind and physical is not in sync, at that moment are we aware of what we are doing ?

*doh* I don't even know what I wrote just now makes any sense at all. But isn't it amazing ? That we can just stare at someone but we didn't really see their existence in our eyes ?

Is this denial of some sort ? Or is it fantasy in another ? I don't know or perhaps we only want to see what we want and not what we don't. So when people expect us to see them in one way, we see it the other.

Well the quote is from a stripper who just move in to a new neighbourhood and she was realising for the first time in her life that her new neighbours are seeing her as a person rather then staring at her as a stripper !

If we see things out of the box and opens up our mind, the world will be a much better place to be in. I can't say there won't any but LESS discriminations and judging eyes.

Did you see who was staring at you just now ?

Monday, February 22, 2010

waste of time

Suddenly or I should say it has been in my mind all this while and never been able to dissolve or absorb this sentence at all. It is not waste of time. Never is anything a waste of time if we know what we are doing. Only when we do not know what we are doing that we are wasting our time, I know what I am doing so what I did is not waste of time, even if I am half way unsure, I still do not believe it is waste of time.

Anyway walking through life, experiencing what it is without actually knowing where our destiny lies is waste of time; OR is it ? We never knows until the end of time. Is it wasted or is it fully utilize and consume up into a beautiful journey of a lifetime. And it takes tons of courage and perseverance to see it through. And I believe ( start to believe ) that if we keep our faith and hope nothing will be wasted after all.

For me nothing is waste of time, whether you believe it or not, every single trip is a part of our whole journey and every single experience will totals up our complete experience on lessons of life.

I miss you little finger. Every full moon will reminds me of you .... time will not be wasted even if we are  in silent retreat.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

perseverance ....

How often we stick till the end of what we started ? I mean people nowadays have a different mind of their own unlike the old school which is being thought to do things step by step and built a solid and stable foundation before we venture out for bigger and stronger branches.

We need to persevere and keep persevering in order to bare fruits to what we sow, we can never sow now when the seed is planted just yesterday ! I watched this local production film this morning. Infact it's not my norm to go out so early just to watch a movie. But I would like to support local production though its just an affordable RM6 for this morning show and today is the last day. It's a good movie and I would say its better then some big budget Hollywood or Hong Kong movie. It is a dream come true for the production team who make it happen and also it had enlightened me about being persevering or Chinese "Kin Chi" (stick to it)

When we have started something we should stick to it till the end no matter what the obstacles are. It is this perseverance that will brings us success rather then the hopping act like frogs that will not bare anything at all. We have to be able to focus our energy and immerse ourself in doing one good thing.

When we plant a seed we have to water it, tend it and trim it, care for it to ensure that no worms will come and destroy it before we see the flower blooms.

I am trying to master this skill of mine ie to persevere in my endeavor of making my dream comes true. I had a dream in fact I have many dreams that I want to fulfill. But for now I am doing it one by one, step by step. And one will lead to the other, it had to be that strategically because we cannot be planting an apple seed expecting a peach fruit !

perseverance persevere ...

Friday, February 12, 2010

life's basic need

I was driving out to work this morning and suddenly heard over the radio a pledge by one of HK's celebrity about an NGO who is helping orphanages around the world, World Vision.

And one specific sentence makes me think what is our basic need I mean our most fundamental need to life ? Can we survive without love ? food ? water ? attention ? care ? What ?? !!

When we read everyday over news on people's attempting suicide, commit crimes, dramatic about love and relationship have we ever thought ... take a minute and think about what is the most important and basic of our need ? If those that we are fighting over, tearing our relationships apart are more important then this basic need I think we are really immature in and little. We never sees the bigger picture, or we will never ever see ?

Without water and food, we can never move any step ahead nor think and strategies for future. If in the present we can starving, we can have no tomorrow. This is the most fundamental of our daily need, to get the energy for the battle ahead ! Even it is just bread and water .. it is still energy provider. It is what we need to keep alive and keep our dreams moving. Without such we are going no where ..

Do you agree ?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

dream, dreaming, dreams

My mind had been in a blur lately, I know something is boiling but I don't know what it is .. I had also wanted to find a topic to write but none came into mind either. My mind is on a certain person as well as a certain subject but I can't seems to visualize what it is. Normally I can, I day dream and I create scenes. But this time I am blur. Or put it that I am blocked.

By what ? I have no idea. And it is 5 days to Chinese New Year, the year of Metal Tiger. A year that is tough and hard .. but with perseverance I am sure even the hardest metal can be melted and shape. I try to feel what is my heart feeling now about things but I can't. Things seems to be taking a break, taking its own sweet time.

I have been mulling quite alot too lately, on dream, dreaming and dreams. When we dream, we gives ourself hope, a vision and faith to carve and pursue something that we want. When we dream all our conscious and sub conscious mind and body will work in sync towards that powerful force of making it real. And I have been trying to focus and find out what my dream is ... I want to dream big ! So my mind is juggling on what makes my heart whole and complete ? What is that ?

So have you been dreaming lately ? And what is that ? A life live without dream is like a journey without destination. Where lies your destiny ?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Bangkok ... Shanghai ...

* I have been non stop traveling the last 2 weeks back to back. and many things came to me when I was on the road but I have not been able to sit still and alot time to write, so here it is the aftermath of both trips, where I did try to start but unable to finish*
Last weekend in Bangkok was full of emotions running high and low. I was expecting to meet someone but didn't get to meet. When we start to expect things, most the time it will end up unexpectedly. And when we did not expect it, it will some how end up interestingly.

I was reading this nicely written book that I pick up from a second hand store .. I like especially these quote " We cannot write in water.. we cannot carve in water. waters nature is to flow an that is how we should treat life.. emotions, negative or positive. Do not deny it but always let it flows and then away" this is a very good phrase, we shouldn't deny our feelings no matter negative or positive.

And I think with or without consciously aware of the outcome; I am accepting the outcome as it is, I have learn to go with the flow. Over the years, I have been struggling so hard, swimming against the flow, going against the current and trying to fight with all my  might of what I want the result to be. But this had made me a much weary and tire warrior. The now me had learn to let go and go with the flow instead. If its not meant to be, accept it and let it flow through rather then blocking the flow. It will only swell up with bigger resentment.

Continues after my Suzhou / Shanghai ... while I was in China last week I do not have the privilege of staying connected. And it feels like being shunned from the outside world which can be frustrated sometimes. But in other way it's kinda de-tox from all the addictions that the cyber space can give us. Every day and night, no every minute and second we are all connected to the world being in touch so call with the latest news from around. And that makes us so up to date, then again it also makes us to be addicted to the cyber world rather then being in the moment !

While I was on this social network de-tox, I begin to start living. Feeling the rhythm of life and also the momentum of being rather then keeping in mind to log into facebook, blog, or twitter ! Or perhaps this is only me ? Have you ever gone for once cyber de-tox for a week ? TRY .. perhaps its good for you to pause for a moment, do some other real social networking, in person in the moment. Back to reality being human rather then cyber.

Off the record and topic, I was jokingly commenting on HOCC's profile picture in fb and was so surprise to see that fans bombarded me with so many comments of being irrespectful and talking bad about their idol. Now its dumb me of not remembering that she had a lot of fans who are crazily and overly idolizing her. This I sympathize HOCC for being a celebrity who have not much privacy but lotsa publicity's. And it makes me wonder, what kinda life that could be ? To be always in the limelight, just like a dive buddy of mine. Being with her in the public can be a little pressure when the attention and fans attack can be shocking at times. Anyhow, no worries no sweats .. its all part of the game and part of the rule !!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

pure and innocent ...

One of those days ....

I sneak home early to try to avoid the traffic and also my mind is empty and couldn't do much in office. So I watch Henin / Dementieva 2nd round match at Australian Open. Well the 'rascal' of the family, youngest among the cousins (17 months), I call him 'Di Di' or little brother. Was alone playing by himself when I reached home ...

He is soo happy .. play mate is home ! !!! all smiles and calling out my name though mumbling single syllabus vowel but can be understood. He is like a tape all glue to my back and boy he was really fast ! right at my back in the kitchen, right behind me in my room and out the living ....

and even when I sit down to watch the tennis match ... he is right next to me but with food so that he don't get moving around the only way to get him to stop running up and down. Well I was cheering for Dementieva .. the weaker opponent and losing one. I raise my hand and 'yes' when Dementieva score a point .. he looks at me stunned ! ! what am I doing ? a BIG question mark on his face .. so pure and innocent then a BIG smile and cheering .. moving his body up and down .. happy !! priceless moment

again when I cheer for Dementieva .. stops his action, stunned again looks at me, smile and again moving/shaking his body up and down .. happy to see me smiling, he follow suit !! precious moment

have you ever tried to see beyond the crying and tantrums ? kids have the purest of all expression and fearless of feelings. No danger, no lying, no cheating, no fear, no failure, no nothing .. except smiling and crying !

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Dream

in just a short 2 days ... I read and I hear more people talking about dreams and ambition than the past one year, keep the struggle and be determine to realize it, make it happen. no matter what ! !

Is this YOUR way if telling me to keep dreaming ? I have a dream perhaps that is also my destiny. I will work towards it .. the journey is still on.

For short term now, I want to focus on the most important and crucial part that is to plan. And once its planned no one nor any force will stops me from reaching my destination.

Before today, just now, I was lost and I couldn't tell myself even during my "silent retreat" end of last year, what my dream was. I guess my compass was being expose to a very strong magnetic field that had me off my course for a while. Then again losing my way could be fun, as I was able to see another side of the road. Now that I am back on track, and stay focus I want and I know where I should be heading, could that be my destiny ? We shall see.

How many times have you lost your way ? and how often that you found it back ? We will be thrown off guard, got lost, fall downs every now and then ... BUT most importantly we must know how to find our way back, pick up ourself, dust off and walk on ! Never ever allows ourself to be cripple or hurt by the fall, and never ever give up on ourself either ! This is just part of the lesson.

A lot of people see that I am being shallow, always looking on the good side and not the other side; this is not a problem. Sad day, happy day .. we still have to go on living, why would you carry a sad face then ? One can be sad inside, but do not infect it into others ! And never be the one to leave the gaps open because no one likes to fill in the blanks !

Just when you think that you have lost hope in realizing your dream, its okay to stop and rest. Dust off some, unload some, close some windows even doors if you need to then pick up yourself and move ON !

freedom of choice ..

I have a few questions that is disturbing me and mine


a. the use of Allah by non Muslim; now I must confess here that throughout my years of traveling, when ever i start a journey into the islands of malaysia I will wish  Bismilla-hir-Rahman-nir-Rahim, the start of my safe journey. Does this mean that I am not Buddhist ?


b. NEVER ever mix politic and religion for personal mileage; this is sure way to HELL and not HEAVEN !


c. do not do unto others when you want others do unto you; don't start the fire, because it will be come back burn you !


d. religion and faith when met with fanatic can be the most deadly of all weapon !


All religion teaches one to be good and all roads lead to Rome ! 

Saturday, January 16, 2010

in search of wholeness ..



In search of wholeness .. how many of us can truly claim that they are whole ? if not complete. I for one has been searching and dreaming of that day to feel whole and complete. And what does that mean to be whole and complete ? Different people have different explanations to what they define as whole and complete.


To be whole and complete, in my humble opinion, is the feeling of fullness, content and joy from the inside out ! When the core of our being is being full and filled with joy that is what makes it WHOLE. The cycle had been completed. Some find it in their journey of love, some find it in their process of achievements, some simply find it in just being.


Most often we human measure wholeness in physical or mental achievements some may include spiritual. For me I want it all … I want to experience as much as I can along the road so that I do not waste time this life and repeat the same mistake I may again be thrown in my next life.


I was very very frustrated with myself the past month, everything seems to be not moving. And it makes me feel so restricted. I want to rush and speed up the process but I fail. Obviously I failed badly in this lesson. But it is funny when we want to search for that wholesome feeling we just have t let it unfold and not force open anything in the process. Me the ever curious child always wanting to take a peep before its being reveal. Always want to have the first hand information, too fast pace.


Slow down and be patience my child, it will unveil upon you once you are ready for it ! !


I want to cap this from the book I am reading ( A year by the Sea) It’s an except from Emerson “ Successful people live well, laugh often, and love much. They’ve filled a niche and accomplished tasks so as to leave the world better than they found it, while looking for the best in others and giving the best they have.”



Wednesday, January 13, 2010

stranger strangely strange ...

I was not in the right mood the past 2 days. And I guess universe have a very unique way unfolding things bit by bit, allowing people to come in to reminds us that we are still alive.

I had a very good chat with a friend from Italy; she is not someone I know deeply we are just casual friends who share some good thoughts and trusts each others intention in this friendship. I can say that we are almost strangers as we have not met each other, we had not spoken to each other. But we can relate and pours out freely.

This is how amazing human are being link, we are all inter link some how or other though some of us knows one another deep enough to know what the other is thinking but then again we are not their brain. On the other hand, there are some of us who can connects and opens up to the other without fear and consequences.

Being a stranger sometimes allows us the fearless feelings of being judge for right or wrong.  That a stranger can be our best sounding board because they come clean without prejudices and pre-condition nature. This had happen to me twice. I guess a lot of you would disagree and think that I am crazy for trusting strangers. Is this wrong to be trusting ? Human are all inter related and we should love one another the same. And I have learned to gives honestly without holding back anything, because lessons thought me to open up freely and not to be vary or doubt anyone in particular. Because I lose nothing in being real the other person will lose his or her identity in holding up.

It is strange very strange that stranger can see us better then ourself or anyone around us. As I say they come clean !

I was glad that this stranger from Italy came into my life and enlightens me when I was in the darkness of what had happened the last 2 days. Though it is not a quick fix but it is always good to share what's in our mind with someone because the more we think of the answer to our questions the more questions will pops up. And there is always no quick answer, time is certainly and always the best answer possible.

Strange ...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tearful testimony on discrimination at Prop. 8 trial - latimes.com

Tearful testimony on discrimination at Prop. 8 trial - latimes.com


The above article can only happen in North America or western and more develop and open countries. It can never happen in our conservative Asian culture.

Will this one day be reported in Asia ? Not to say to fight for the most basic of human rights of each individual being .. you me he or she.

snap ...

Sorry for locking the blog, if those of you have try to come in. This is me, I rise very fast and I fall fast too. My emotions are open always, my books are open. Because this is me, I am straight forward.

A few days back I snap, I snap at the slightest thing that happened. I wasn't sure, I regret or is it the correct word ? I did not do the right thing. I over reacted. I was, may be at the wrong moment when things happen and I just snap. I locked this blog, I shunned totally which I don't know what to do at that time.

I am mad, I am sad. I see things happens and I can't do anything. When you care too much you fell the pain. But I lack the patience. This is one very important lesson that I am still learning after 4 decades, patience.

When we know someone that we care so much is struggling, we will be a part of that struggling, share the 'chi' that is circulating around. Hence we absorb the 'chi' into us. Hoping to balance up the negative chi as we will became eaten up by it.

I was in that situation and I snap. It is not about me or the other party. It is both of us that the negative chi is spreading and infecting. Perhaps the moment is not right and things happen.

This is the first time ever that I snap on someone and it's not good ! SO the next time you want to snap ... make a quick blink and breath deeply  ! ! STOP all things ...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

blank empty hollow

for one moment in my life, my mind is blank empty and nothing specific came in .. I don't know what to write tonight because I snap this morning. I am still very upset and sad over something that I thought is but is not.

A lot of times when we thought we knew it and that it should be that way and we have expectation of the outcome, most often that it don't ! It may have a very high possibility that your expectation will never come. This is it, things happen and most the time can catch anyone of us off our guard, no matter how strong or well planned you are. Things just happen.

Then you will be feeling .. anger, frustration and disappointment; why such things happen ? Why when you have work and plan things so finely and from all angles and all corners it still comes out not as your expectation.

Well this is it, this is life. And thats how magical it is that every day new things happen, new challenges, new obstacles and new encounters. We can never plan too well, just welcome them with open arms. I remember a friend, I forgot who, once said welcome adversity with open arms. Because whether we like it or not, it is here. You can't reject it, you can't just ignore it nor write it off. So under such circumstances, deal with it.

Deal with it, most the time we refuses to deal with things that is sad, that is happening but not what we want it to be. We avoid, we delay, we let it be thinking that it does not matter, we procrastinate on our decision. We hide because we fear ! This is normal even the most logical person will do the same when they snap !

I just snap ! thats it ...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

love loving losing learning lessons .. re-loving

Once a while I like to pull out some old but nice and enriching books that helps me to reconnects, re-evaluate and realigns me with my soul with my being. It helps to bind me to reality.

Dr Cherri Carter Scott had a few good books and one is related to Love, in her summary I copied here
"in the game of love I have won, I have lost, I learned how to open up and love again when I thought I never could ... experimenting and growing from the pain of a broken heart and shattered dreams" I think in every of us we walk this path too, just that the experience we go through are not the same because every of us is unique and different in our own way and have our own path to maneuver.

She also ends it with "loving, losing, learning the lessons and re-loving, I am pleased to open the door and share it with you. I cannot say the journey has been easy but it has been worth it, learn your  love lessons and treasure your partner each precious moment you are fortunate enough to be together" With this I am uncertain myself, because I have found someone that I am attracted to very intensely, and a mate that my soul had been searching for all this while. Universe allows us to meet and connects in a very unique way allowing me to see things differently. Then again I leave it to fate whether I am able to find "home". I am tire, I am a worn out warrior. The burning flame of desire is growing stronger and wilder inside me. I am trying with all my might to de-flame it, to slow it down. I called this karma, I was once being advise by a Guru that I have to repay a lot of romance debts in this life. In my past life I have hurt many women, I was a famous opera singer in China * in Chinese cultures, opera singers moves from town to town, city to city to perform and every place they stop they have new love and then when its time to move they leave, no lasting relationship, no real love, no real feelings *

I never believe in such before this, I was always a fighter, a pursuer and always go for what I feel is right ( I still do) but may be my meeting with this Guru is a fate that he enlightens me of why my lack of luck in this aspect. However I did win some even though I lost a lot before this. I pick up, I learn and I brave myself to open for love again.

I find Dr Carter's summary to be enlightening, encouraging and optimistic enough for anyone of us; be it loving or losing or re-loving.

I have not been in good luck in the area of romance all my life mainly due to fear, my whole life have been full of fear. Fear of expressing my feelings freely, fear of committing myself to a vow, if I did promise I will do all my might to fulfill it. I have learned and I am still learning to be a much better person. I can only say that I am a much better person now compare to a decade ago. I am more prepare to take on the next phase of my journey. And I am certainly looking forward to the next decade, if I am lucky enough to live on for we never knows what will happens tomorrow.

Love is reaching out when you don't want to, communicating rather than assuming, asking questions rather than jumping to conclusions. Most of all love is about staying committed when you feel like wanting to walk away.

If neither of the above then love certainly is not deep enough for us to make the effort. Then may be its time to move on to the next chapter as it is not destine to be !


Away from the topic, I always like dusk, and here the beautiful horizon just now from the window of 7th floor ...


Friday, January 8, 2010

The Journey ..

A fellow tweeps from US asks me whether I believe in destiny. I do believe in destiny for without destiny my soul will never knows where it is heading. Though of course rationally and physically I would have no idea where I'll end up in the end. But visions and dreams will lead me to where I belong and wants to be. Recently there are alot of things had been boiling inside me, and I can feel that its almost dry up, I need to put in some juices so that it will not get overcook. And that I can keep the process rather then ending things pre-maturely.

However through the years on earth and after 4 decades, I guess I have finally learn to accept. Accept what is and accept what is not as well. This journey, this time I felt that my soul had been enlighten by all the lessons thrown to me with or without prior notice.

OK I have to insert here a scenario, while watching this movie based on a true story in Florida, "What Makes a Family" here

a.     One is dying of a chronic disease; leaving behind a beautiful daughter and her lover
b.     One is seeing her lover dying of chronic disease

Which one is enduring the pain more, the leaving one or the staying one ?

I always have this thought and keeps reminding myself that I will not be the first one to die first, I will always be the one to live longer because I cannot let my lover suffer and mourn over my leaving !

And most often the one who stay behind are the one who suffer the most, then again we have to all deal with it and move on. Because there are other people who love us equally to want us to be happy !


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

4 minutes

I just finish a German movie titled 4 minutes *damn no subtitle but its powerful acting*. Its about a prisoner, young and she is a natural talent with her fingers and was given a chance to learn the piano. But as the story goes, obstacles and fellow prisoners bla bla bla .. her mentor and teacher take the greatest risk by smuggling her out of prison to perform in the philharmonic !

Her teacher pleaded 4 minutes to the prison Director, and she played the most beautiful and enlightening piece yet of her life to a full house standing ovation. She had her moment in life.

Given a 4 minutes in your lifetime to do something great or on grand scale, what would it be ? Me ... hmmmm good question. I guess may be in that 4 minutes I will tell the whole world how much I love you and if I can choose a place I want it to be in the Taj Mahal, the monument of Love. I am not a great person, I am just another ordinary human experiencing and going through all the lessons bestow upon me, good or bad. So that I do not waste this journey at all.

Then again, I am a greedy person, I want 4 minutes everyday to be whole and complete !

And what would yours be ? What do you want of your 4 minutes moment to be ?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

first day ..

Today is the first day at school, first day at work ... so many people are hurrying to start life; the 7 years old kids as in my smart nephew is first day in school learning to be independent. Learning to take in as much knowledge as he can. Parents are getting anxious to prepare the little one to be ready for school. The excitements every where .. its in the air !

And now what happens after that ? Most often humans get started to things, eagerly to get things in order and ready for the big day there after what happens ? There after what's next ? Will the excitements end there ? Will the preparation ends there ? And when other mattes settle in, most often we tend to tune down. Children as I always equates them with baking. They are the flour and dough .. we mix all the ingredients into the flour to become a dough and from there on how we want to mold the dough to be buns, cakes or simply doughnut is entirely up to us. The same goes, the child is pure and innocents what we teach and input into them is what makes of the child later on. If we use too over heated oven it will burn, if we use lower degrees it doesn't turn out ... it is important for us the 'chef' to be careful of what we want to bake out of the flour. With flavoring and a little patience the cake can be a most pricy item or a crap dough ! The choice is our to make, the chef / the parent !

Do you still remember your first day at school ? It was very exciting to see so many new friends and being in a place where I know no one in my class. Mom's wanted us to go master our English rather then  enroll us in a Chinese school. English is the international language of the world. Then again it is funny how that during my days we will naturally converse with our teachers in English rather then our national language, Malay.

Seeing my nephew came back home with stories of how he buy food during his recess is a joy ! He on his first day in school learning to purchase food for the first time .. short given the canteen operator aunty and aunty asks him to pay additional 10 cents ! He was very anxious as well as so excited that there's so many choices of food to choose as compare to pre-school all set menus !! He was also extremely excited about his first learning dvd science text book and wanted to install it immediately ! I can see in his eyes the sparks and the glow.. of new adventure in school !

I too am eagerly awaiting for his new adventure to start hoping to be there for him in every of his encounter.

Monday, January 4, 2010

only if ...

only if I am able to change destiny; can I ?
only if I can dictate the course of my journey; I will go far and deep
only if I am able to see the future; I will change now
only if I am allow to express myself without fear and consequences ; I will confess to you now !
only if I do not need to held responsible; I'll just do it
only if ......

Sunday, January 3, 2010

is it worth it ?

wow I can't believe it when I allows myself to be in total peace, I can have so much of inspiration to write ! I write so much *doh* bragging. hmmmm the silence and peace in my heart preceding an important battle ahead.

At the end of the day is this worth it ? If anyone asks about this, I will ask the person to stop whatever he/she doing.  Because when you doubt yourself, your action. You are most likely to end up not worth it ! Because the mind only knows how to keep asking and thinking about worthiness and not succeeding in whatever that is entrusted upon you. Your are NOT focus in making it worthwhile but rather focusing on calculating.

Only losers will ask when they are not confident, only the pessimist will assure them self that it is NOT worth it. Whatever you aspire to do now, is what you want to do to make the dream come true. Even if you end up in the middle of no where, neither here nor there, it is still worth it. Only the blinds and deaf will not see what the journey is about, only the empty heart will not feel what it is like to be in the journey. Even if you fail this time, your effort is worth it as you have the courage to participate rather then being a coward and not to compete at all. Most people would have forgotten the most basic of all fundamental that is thought in school by our teacher, that sport is a competition as in anything we do in our life later on that we MUST all have the sportsmanship spirit in us. And what is that ? Lose or win is just a part of the competition, you lose this time you gain lessons, you win does not mean you be winner for life. Nothing is eternal, this too shall pass, but lessons and experiences stay !

I remember I once asks myself this question too, then I know its time for me to move to the next phase. So when my partner asks this to me, I know I have lost him as a business partner, it is time for him to go. I am sad for I thought I have gotten me a capable and confident young man but he is not yet up for the battle ahead ... China.

We can not measure whether its worth or not, what you see as worth may not turn out to be, same goes what you see as not worth may actually be worth the effort after all. There is always 2 side of a coin, when we start to see things from different angles and perceptions then will we be able to know the answer of worthiness. The journey is so interesting how can it be not worth it ? The lessons behind every encounters are more worth then any material rewards one can gather, be it a business venture or a any other actions for that matter.

For me everything is worth it, even if one day I fail as a person or work / career even love; that whatever I  have now chosen, it is worth it ! because I know I will enjoy the journey and lessons it prepares me for.. failure or success I will gain all the lessons given.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

love, hate, deadly .

I am contemplating whether to write something grand, something that I have been mulling over for some time now but I think it's not the right time yet. I will keep it in my "blue book" for now.

pheww I manage to finish the book that I started 4 months. And reading a new one now, Outliers by the same author Gladwell. Well I wanted to get The Winner Stand Alone by Coelho but but I don't because I have a bad habit that I will buy and buy but takes years to finish. I didn't even start reading the Monk who sells his Ferari ! ! I still have one of Austen and Grisham's, don't know when I will get them started.

Anyway, I wanted to share about Charlie Sheen and wife. It always puzzles me when couples argue. I do not know how it feels like or what it is like that could make a person be in such anger that a weapon, in this case a knife can be weep onto your love ! How could such a thing happen ? Well even if he is drunk, there stood there a person that he vow to love her till death do us part ! ! Unless the relationship is in trouble you start to hate each other. But if you are still a couple how could this happen ?

When we commit ourself to love this person till death do us part, its a vow and yeah I do agree that some may not really grows old, some parted ways. BUT when you are still a couple and loves each other, I can not possibly think that violent is the way ! Violent can only be get violent. The more force you enforce the more rebel the rebellion.

I really don't know how it feels like to be in such heated quarrel but to want to kill your love one ? hmmm it must be out of mind. This .........

I don't know whether I should continue ...... on the contrary ; I have had a gun pointed at me before !

Friday, January 1, 2010

welcome to my new look ....

watch out ! ! !

I may do something crazy for I am a dreamer.. a warrior.. I will fight for what I believe in ....

hahahhaah do you believe me ? 0_o

a new decade of excitements ...

Hi I am BACK ^.^

it's new year, it's a new decade

Just 5 hours before that I receive a not so good news from my biz partner. However I am not faze by it, as I say I am always a survival , a strategist and this time I will be a winner too. My mind is extremely focus when I want it to be. However, now I am on 'silent retreat' enjoying the silence before the battle starts again, so things can wait. I am not hurrying !

This year, this new decade I want to secretly make a little wish. hahahah na na na ... I am not going to write it here otherwise it will not come true, it will be in my "blue book" later. I wish that ....................

I hope you too will make the best of this new decade, new era, make your heart whole and let peace be with your soul ! Reach for the dream and make it happen, follow your heart don't only think of it, action always speaks much louder then words. If not now when ? Don't think of whether it is worth it because when you start thinking whether its worth it or not then it is always NOT WORTH it. Because it is always not worth it when you are now in a comfort zone. Just go for it, only when you end the journey will you know that it is worth it ! !

Dreamers are always crazy ... Happy New Year !