beginning or ending

so many times I have shared with my friends about the end and beginning. I can never deal with ending well but I love beginnings, it always gives me something to look forward to. We can never be separated from these two, as it is always... the end is just another beginning ! The Yin must have the Yang, black with white, they are to complement each other.

Some friends always say I am so optimistic about things; I am not, I am also very afraid of ending, but most the time I ignore the ending so that I can look forward to the beginning. This will be my last post of the decade. I still remember when the century ends I was in Lombok with Brigitta, then I was alone looking into the horizon waiting for the beautiful sun to set on the beach looking in Bali's Mt Agung. That was one of the most beautiful moment I have had, alone ! Then I was only journaling in my "blue book" (blog ? what is blog then ? I was just being introduce to emails.. hahaha) which I still keeps the habit of writing. The 'blue book' gathers some of the most private of my thoughts, the most heart wrenching of all thoughts; may be one day when it is right I will share it.

I always hurry to end because I am afraid to face the moment it ends. This time I am slowing down totally to let it comes. Exercising the patience I am still learning to master. A lot of times during year ends we make resolutions and wishes. But how often do we really execute our resolutions ? Resolutions will always remain resolutions. I prefer to look at the beginning and works toward the end. But I do wish, because in wishes I just let the universe helps me to make my actions real !

It really shock me that '09 draws the end of another decade. Not the past one year, but the past 10 years; well the past 10 years had been a decade of excitements, personally and professionally. My spiritual journey begins then and now I am more awaken about who I am. I hope the next decade will marks the maturity of my spiritual well being together with my soul. I hope when the next decade ends, I am already home and enjoying the warm and coziness of being at home.

see you next decade .. carpe diem !

** just as I off my reading lights 5 mins ago, I was attracted by this little ray of light on the floor and I know it comes from the window, so I thought its some neighbors light. But to my surprise it's the moonlight ! ! yesterday was full moon ... the last time I saw sucha bright moon in the middle of the night is I remember when I was in Perhentian island, I was not feeling well I woke up and went to the washroom and upon return to my bed, and as usual I always let a window or the door balcony door opens to allow me to see the sea ... I saw the most beautiful setting moon in the horizon .. the sea ! it's so mystical that I just sat there for like 10 mins admiring the moment before I went back to bed (cause I remember that time I was having food poisoning weak stomach) **

and now ...

after looking back at what had happened in 2009, what is for now ? What is next ? You tell me.

Sometimes I don't know whether you feel it or not, you just go go go and go. You are so focus and all you see is the destination. But when you are there, you suddenly touch it... and you collapse ! You are all worn out. It had consumed up all your energies and might.

This is what happens towards the end of the day. It is happening to me now. The past 2 years I see nothing but the destination, I hear but I did not listen. I see but I did not feel. Only now I allow myself to stop and rest; and evaluate, to check and balance up my life. To see whether I have gone off the track, to check the condition of my soul and body .. this is time for 'maintenance' work. Just to keep the 'engine' working and not needing for major overhaul.

No hurrying anywhere, no rushing .. this is part of the process to be. To evaluate and to take a rest ... let the body and mind ample rest for the battle ahead. If I hush my body and puff my mind to carry on with out caring to give it a break, then the long term damage will be beyond repair. Whether there's anything to be change or repair; is the heart in good condition and still functioning. is this nerve and senses still functioning ! hmmm hope nothing major .. hahahaha :D

It is nice to do nothing, feel nothing and let all things settle down.

Let the calmness be it.

2009

This year had been a year full of extremes and actions. I was blessed in many ways and also stress in many others too. I had alot of fears and also successes along the way too. Some recognitions as well as failures.

Professionally this year had been a year that tests me the most in my whole working life. But I am glad I survived, I have had many moments and now 2010 is going to be my year, intuition is telling me that.

Most of all in 2009, I get to see a lot of faces, those who constantly wear masks, those who are real. I mean when you are in good times or bad times you get to see a lot of people in different masks. And this is how we will remember who is who and which is which. Screening through and filtering out some.

This year I went to a few places, I re-visited these places whom I have been but after a long gap, I am back .. to Shanghai, Mataking, Phuket and Manado. Shanghai and Phuket was like hmmm ... at least 15 years ? SO many changes and these places are like brand new to me. Though once I frequent these places like my second home. Mataking is like 5 years and Manado, is only 6 years gap. Still it's new to me. I like returning to places I like, because when we visit a place either work or leisure we meet people, we see new things, new cultures and if we like the place, we want to be back for more. Thats exactly why I like to return, to see the warm and familiar faces again. And I also went to Taipei; a new place, new culture and new people. I will be back.

Of all the diving trips I have had, Lembeh Manado is the most satisfying. I saw so many critters that I normally need a year to see. Lembeh is still very rich with marine critters. Every dive is a surprise dive ! I must admit that I am disappointed with Mabul and Kapalai. They seems to lost the touch on me.

Early this year also see me having vegetarian diet until end of March (100 days). Being a vegetarian, is quite interesting. Its not actually so much of the food intake. In the initial stage, the first week of the diet. The mind is powerful that it keeps giving signals to my stomach that the meal just now is not enough and I will be hungry soon, no meat ! Its so wrong. Our body may not need meat to survive, just enough energy for us to move around. Healthier food consumption and also this year I stop taking beef. So next will be chicken. Also this is the first year I will go for vegetarian on every Dec, a small vow to remember Mom. And my plan will be in 10 years, I'll be a full vegetarian.

2009 also see a year that tests my perseverance the most in work when travel industry overall was affected by the financial crisis and H1N1 outbreak. I have to thank who ever is out there, giving me so much of courage to shoulder on. I am still around. I survived. We survived.

I also want to mentioned that a few people came into my life as a surprise. There is a couple that I dived with and I have never seen such a good underwater buddy before. And this reminds me of my buddy, who is now in Berlin living happily ever after, just like a fairy tale. This couple, they share almost everything that they see underwater. And I remember a British dive buddy once said ' to find a buddy underwater and on land is not easy' its true ... to find a compatible buddy both on land and under water is difficult. But when I saw them, it fills my heart to see that they share everything they see, pointing out to each other, showing what they see ! Perhaps its time for me to stop diving alone and find a buddy to share my thrills instead of with the divemaster 0_0

There is one more person I met in 2009 that had a deep profound impact on me. Its a sense of deja vu you may call it. I use to have this kind of deja vu with things, with scenes or places but not with a person. I went through some of this person's photos and a sudden sense of ' this face looks so familiar, have I seen it somewhere before' .. we have never met in this life I am 100% sure of this and when we met, just that one brief encounter of less then may be 20 sentences. But the feelings of closeness, I simply calls it 'click' just comes to me. I wasn't sure about what the other party feels. Never really tells me. But its kinda scary, somehow I guess we were related or our soul met in our past life. Or that we are really soulmate in past life. I don't know.

2009 overall gave me a lot of lessons and teachings. I think I am more spiritually enlightened then before and I have also learn to persevere better. An ex-superior and a friend once, offer me 2 words when I goes to her to complain about work; patience and perseverance. I guess its not only applies to work but to life as well. In every event, there is a process to follow, and never to jump the cue for any short cuts. We will just have to go back and start the process all over again if we do jump in.

I certainly hope 2010 will be my year and yours too; patience and perseverance.

mind reading

I was trying to finish this book I started about 4 months back. I have to admit that with the internet ever so advance and convenience I am having problem in finishing a book. Internet provides me so much of reading materials anywhere anytime; news, magazine articles, informations etc etc. To finish a book for me now takes months. And the only time I will do much reading is when I fly or travel. Now this book I really wanted to finish it before year ends.

Ok not to talk about my slack in reading books, while reading this topic came into me, mind reading. I am sure every of us at some stage in our life have try to read the other person, what is that person thinking, why is he / she acting in a sucha way. Is our reading and analyzing right or wrong so on and so on .. bla bla bla.

Well have you ever come across as reading wrongly ? I used to be very self centre and couldn't be bother what people around me are like. You know that kind of me is me I don;t care who you are or what you are feeling. But then again, lesson thrown into me that I want to care more about people around me so I pay more attentions to what people around me, what happens to them their facial expressions etc etc. Still I am no good at it because I don't use my head to read instead I learned a better way for me to understand people around me more. I prefer using my heart to see what is the other person feeling and why reacting such.

To read a person is too complicated and needs lots of attention, I prefer just to be there and let the other person tells me what they are feeling. Because if we are sincere enough to show or let our guards down ... without any wall between us they is no need or no place to hide our feelings. This way we can be true to ourself and others.

So what's the point of reading mind ? Sometimes we just have to be lil ignorant and stop reading too much into any situation. I have tried many times to read many people in my life. In my work, I travel and meet thousands of people, they come and pass through my life, some never comes back, some I will remember forever, some I use to hate but learn to forgive or sympathize. If I have to read so many I would be an expert by now. But I choose to ignore and let the feel comes naturally. Some may say I am ignorant, some may say I am the last to get it. But then again, why trouble too much when some people wants to hide it. No point of reading through them, there may be a reason to hide the feelings. If they are sad just accept that they are sad, they will come around when they are ready to expose voluntarily without force.

And even if that person have the intention of lying, so be it. I am willing to be lie to. He who lies, live a life full of lies ! Many times people warn me of such and such person, beware of this or that person. I find it too complicated to keep aware of who's real and not. It's just too much of effort to always be on guard. My walls use to be solid with perfect heights but I let it breaks down completely just like the Berlin wall, I let my guards off completely, all thanks to zahir who had thought me a very valuable lesson. And I find that now a life without wall is much happier and lighter. I become who I am and there is no needing to hide anything from anyone.

In the first place why do we need to read into people's mind ? Are you afraid to expose yourself ? So that you have to read into the others first ?

be in nature

* before I start I must say that my gastric is getting worst everyday; arrrghhhh .. heart burn; can gastric kill ? urrhh, blurp so many gas in my stomach ! Heart is burning, chest is full .... lesson is before you get gastric eat proper NOW ! *

That aside, I was in a good friend's place for Christmas lunch just now. I like to take a slow drive to their place in Cyberjaya about 50 mins drive from my place. The driving as I always love to drive, during driving i have more time for myself with myself being with nature. Some says I am crazy, driving in the city ? Then again i have learn to try and enjoy every minute of being alone with myself with no one around me ie within the 4 walls of my car ! And often during this time in my car driving to some where within KL, I take the opportunity to reflect on things and try to step out of the box and see what's the logic. Most the time I normally don't like to see logics but only when I am slower and alone that I will try to logic things out. Which sometimes is useless too cos I don't like being too logic.

*hmmm I think I will die of gastric ulcer when I am old if I don't keep a strict diet, it is getting worse as I grow older *

So while I was driving to their place just now, as usual it naturally gives me the chance to think and reflects. Just the day before, I was thinking so much of a problem and worrying too much of something that I can barely sleeps. But it's so amazing that when I let go of the thought; this morning it solve by itself. Its better, though not what I want it to be. I am blessed.

I think I am kinda lucky in a lot of aspects in life as general and that lady luck had been with me on a few occasions. I know I had done my best and I can't worry too much of the outcome as it is beyond my control. I just let it unfold. Things happen. I really want to say thank you for helping me, giving me a chance or whatever the universe is trying to weave around me. I am glad that you helps. But one thing always keeps eluding from me, HOME. I want to find home, I want to be in peace with my heart and find home.

I always like to bargain with the universe, and its funny sometimes you just want to voice out what's in your chest so that you leave your burden off it. That you don't carry the weight too much on your shoulder. And what's the best way to do it when you are driving and you look at the sky and start your 'negotiating' with whom so ever out there looking at you ? I always do that, and I enjoy doing it the sky is where we should be looking at when our problems are just so little compare to the hugeness of space out there from our front window !

When is the last you look at the sky from your front window ?

* surprisingly when I took a few deep breath my gastric is better now; deep breathing is the method for meditation so do diving. Aha, it is a cure for gastric, just as we relaxes our muscle we allow for it to being. STRESS is the mother of all sickness *

count your blessing .. 8 days to 2010

1. I am blessed with so many good friends around old and new

2. I am blessed with good health though I am a diabetes

3. I am blessed that I have 2 supporting siblings and family members

4. I am blessed that I have enough to share with everyone; happiness and joy !

5. I am blessed that 2009 had given me so much of opportunities to expand personally and professionally

6. I am blessed that I met you .. one who opens up a past of my journey !

7. I am blessed that I was given a chance to be my mom's daughter

8. I am blessed that I am given a chance to live another day

The blessings will never stops it will goes on ... start counting your blessings now ! And not your angers nor hatreds.

Tung Jeh (Winter Festival)

Well its time of the year where I will be extra and extreme inspire to write as this is time of the year where so many things will boils up to the surface just like these dumplings (one of my favorite food for winter)... hahaha call it time to unwind, rise up and settle down for the year.

I am in the writing mood now as so many things are playing around my head and keeps me awake throughout the nights and also days. This I sometimes dislike being a Gemini, our minds are so powerful that we can go on and on thinking non stop ! hmm if I am not in diving and travel .. I can be a good writer ;) hahaha

Its festive season everywhere and lots of parties and celebrations going on however for the past 2 years I have not been able to feel any during this period. Perhaps its age perhaps its situations. I use to get away at least twice a year ie during my birthday and new year. To make these 2 occasions memorable. But I have not been doing it for 2 years now. My professional life changed, I mean I have my own company which I have invested a lot in so financially speaking these 'luxuries' that I use to have, have to make way temporarily. But then again, my work is my pleasure in some way so though I didn't get to go places I like to be but I still get to dive around.

This is one thing I like about festive seasons and also sunset; the end is coming. Its always full of thoughts and everything is boiling up from deep within. Counting blessings and also flashing back what are the lessons along the way, through out the year.

I certainly have lost the feeling for Christmas or Winter Solstice .. may be there is not much to celebrate anymore. To me now every day seems the same; meaning everyday is a good day to celebrate, why only limits for the festive season ?

So are you partying everyday now ?

how many you have ?

I was with a friend from Sabah last night and while we were chatting the night away with another good friend from Singapore. I remember one topic we did share earlier.

She was telling me that she pick up the wrong cup when she want to drink her coffee and pick up the water mug instead ! SO I ask her how many cups/mugs you have ? Errr she was answering me like 3 or 4 ! Wow surprise me ... why would she needs so many ? ahahaha 1 for coffee, 1 for tea, 1 for water and 1 for whatever ! !

Greedy or variety ? Well at home or at work I only have ONE (01) cup. So simple as that and yet human can be so different in ways ...

So how many cups you have at home and at work ?

judgement

A friend just made a snap decision that he regrets and are now worrying how to reverse back that decision, asking me for advises, well all I can offer is, follow your heart and never deny what your heart is feeling. To me it always applies to life no matter how bad or good the situation is. One must be truth to one's feeling.

Me ? As usual, not offering any, I never like to tell people what they should do. Because they can never do what I want them to. So they should decide for themself ! Me can only support him all the way, and actually no way is a better way nor best recipe for overcoming a situation. All we need to do is act upon it and let the result tells us whether it's right or wrong. Until we reach the end of the path only will we know this is the right path. So mean while just enjoy process lah.

Some people take it ever so seriously of every single steps they made and as if it's the most important. Some takes it one at a time and let things unfold one by one. I don't know, sometimes when we feel its right then why hesitate ? If we have already decided then just go for it; because it is ALWAYS that we never knows what happens tomorrow ** I want to mention here too, Brittany Murphy ( I don't even know who she is, apparently she is famous) died of cardiac arrest at 32 yesterday ! **

I do not say that the decision he made is right or wrong. One can view it as wrong from one point, but there again that he may have made that decision at that time as right ! and if he choose to reverse back his decision, I mean we are no one to say he's wrong or right, that he deserve a second chance. WHO can judge him that he made a right decision or wrong decision ? I can't, you can't neither.

So why is he so worry ? This makes him one of kind, him self ! Anyway no judgements pass on him. He is very capable young man who are suddenly thrown into unfamiliar and uncharted waters that he lost his judgements temporarily. He is NOT this person when I first met him .. he is the most confidence of any person his age with a very good professional qualification up around his belt.

How do you judge ?

on this day ..

There are a few things I want to write and as usual I am trying to sum up further inspiration to expand my thoughts. One being today is my Mom’s birthday unfortunately we are unable to celebrate her 67^th birthday with her last year. She left us on the morning of her birthday. Some people or some stories could be true, some may not believe it but this one is real. She come and leave on the same day same month. And she left without much suffering further, though she had endure more before this.

I want to dedicate this paragraph and sum up everything to officially close this chapter ( I certainly hope to but I can’t force my heart) of my mourning. There’s already much being said about her, and me being me; has kept so many things inside and not sharing with anyone nor acknowledging the pain. I will always remember and love her, she will always be in my heart. No other love … I miss you and I will be strong to carry on, though my life has never been a smooth sailing before this. I hope things will only get better when my heart is at peace and found home.

Well just as I was having a quite Saturday afternoon not knowing what to do or where to be; television can be the best company one could have. “Holiday in Handcuff” don’t really know who’s the lead but decided to just watch anyway. As the story continues , a thought came. The things that we want so much or already had, are they the things that we REALLY want ? Every so often, our conscious mind manipulate our thoughts and keep assuring us that this is what we want, and there is where want to be … so on and so forth. But when we are there, had what we wanted, may be some will think. IS this really what I want ? People can be blinded by a blur vision of desire and not really seeing things as it should be. Its amazing when we allow ourselves to stop for a while and let the heart see instead of the eye, our heart can see much more clearer then our eyes. Some of us lives in a perfect world without any hitches; some of us works hard for our future and some are just content with what they have. Which are you ? DO you know what you want ? and are those you have now, are what you want in the first place ?

I am still working hard for what I want and will never feel contented because a life with contentment is too smooth sailing for me.

time will come when it is right

Today I visited a long time friend from another resort, Martinus had been a long time friend. And every time he sees me he never fails to invite me over to his place, and every time I will have reasons not to go. It is me if I don't like taking things for free, because there will be responsibility to come. This is me and its not easy.. I values commitment and credibility.

It's easy to take free things but it is not nice to owe people favours and simply not repaying them in return. Martinus is so so happy to see me, but it is just out of courtesy that i pay him a visit and not staying at his resort for free. And they are actually many more people that is they are aware of my presense in Manado will surely invites me over to stay at the properties. For once, I felt so welcome but also too much of attentions.

What I really want to say is, it really has been a long long time and Martinus never fails to invites me every time we meet for the past 4 years. I have been post-poning my trip to Manado over and again. So perhaps the time now is right for me to visit. And I know I will be returning to Manado soon again, because I really fell in love with Lembeh Hills Resort.

Its also funny that at the airport I met Mario, my divemaster during my last visit to Manado at Gangga Island Resort, an Italian owned resort. Its really funny how people will cross path again when its not done yet. Just this year July I met Mario back during the dive show in KL and never would I thought to see him again. Yet our path crossed and may cross again in the future as I am really interested in his place at Halmahera, with beautiful white sand beach.

This trip to Lembeh has been long overdue and I am so glad that I made it. And I have a strange feeling that it will be my 'home' for next year. I will be going again and again and again. But I will never get bore of it, the view is not only spectacular but magnificent !

Time will certainly come when it is right ..

not a normal Sunday ...

This morning was not my usual Sunday morning. I was waken up by the unknown ‘force’ no alarm nothing, just woke up naturally though I slept just after midnight. Took a peep at the door and the sky is on the way to slowly lit up. The night before I was contemplating whether to wake up early for a morning walk or not, so I set my alarm at 7am for the walk to the village nearby.

But when I woke up, it was only 5:05 am. Wanted to go back to the warm bed since there is another 2 hour to the set alarm, but the temptation to see the sky brighten up is just too much to pass. So I quickly wash my face, didn’t even brush my teeth and out I go. The sky is blue and the first orangey light came through the sky.

And the walk down to the village of Makawedeh is not as quiet as I thought it is. Most residents, mostly the females / mom / housewife had woken up and are sweeping their gardens of leaves or rubbish. They are most surprise to see me the outsider Chinese looking female to come walking pass their house. Some wishes 'pagi' (morning) some return a surprise smile when I smile at them. I have no idea where I want to go but just to keep walking until the road ends. I walked pass the village, up the hill to the next village and ends in Kasawari Resort, another resort whom the owner, Khun Poo, I have known for quite some years now. And each time I met him in Bangkok, he never give up inviting me to his resort. And yet until today I have not been to his resort at all. Not even his liveaboard Aqua One which he had sold off since the first time he invites me his dive operation.

Though it is less then 4km (erm no to and fro is more then 4km) the early morning walk uphill’s and down steep slopes was refreshing, it allows me the chance to re-connect with reality and nature as well as being in the moment with myself. It’s always nice to be able to live in the moment. Only thing is it will only be whole and complete if I am living in the moment, walking with the soul that is a mate to mine. Then will it be whole and complete !

And I asked myself too, will that day comes soon in the near future ? I never know, you never know and no one ever knows except the universe, except the mighty one out there who keeps testing us, fine tuning our soul, preparing us every day every minute to be a better person.

3 things that makes my heart smile ....

with its antenna tune up, mantis shrimp is paying attention to my lens !

the last 5 days while in Lembeh Hills Resort diving, there are 3 things that really makes me smile from my heart.

The first was the wrasse that keeps swimming in front of my camera lens trying to pose or being playful when I want to shoot the snout pipefish. The wrasse follows my camera and when I move it away it keeps swimming infront of the lens. I laughed when I saw it keep trying to follow my camera, chicky little wrasse.

The other is my divemaster’s smiling eye … I want to see 2 things which I keep repeating and asking to see ! Flamboyant cuttlefish and blue ring octopus. So on our 2^nd day diving, he was showing me this little cuttlefish when I saw the flamboyant ! and I pointed to him no not this cuttlefish .. THAT cuttlefish ! and to my surprise I see the biggest smiling eye that I have ever seen underwater ! His eyes were wide and big. Again his eyes were wide smiling when he spotted the blue ring this time as we descent and its like ok now I spotted the blue ring and we equal each other, he was so happy to show it to me as a proof of he can do better then me in spotting the small stuff ! ! We laugh so loud underwater, having equal each other. John is his name !

The other thing that melts my heart is the cute mantis shrimp that stick his head out and ever curious with its antenna tune UP to receive the signal. This guy is so cute and funny that it again put a smile to my face.

It is so funny how the universe use so many ways to allows us chances to see the beauty that is everyday, to be in one with it, and being in it. To appreciate all the little things that comes into our life. And most often things happens for a reason, it is up to us whether we are able to see the signals and hints that is given to us.

If I am not opening up my heart to see, I would not have seen the flamboyant and see that wide smiley eye ! if I am not allowing myself to see things from a bigger picture I would have shoo the wrasse away for blocking my lens, instead of playing with it for a while. If I did not really ‘see’ the mantis shrimp I would not have seen it having its antenna up and paying attention to my lens !

All these I am grateful that I have learned to see with my heart, having a heart that is able to see and feel at the same time is much better then having a heart that only know how to beats.

what is your heart doing now ?

boiling ..

** sudden urge to let this post out trigger by you **

I am afraid when December arrive, I am afraid to once again expose myself to vulnerability and pain. I did not really allow myself to mourn the death and deal with the pain a year ago. I should have but I did not, I keep myself so busy that I didn't allow any room for tears to flow in. I hurried my life, to get into the actions and bury all my sorrows and pains. I guess this is me, I was 'trained' to be strong, to protect myself from being hurt, not to be weak. And weakness must not be shown, but to be kept inside. Thats is the life of hunter that I was once train when young, a hunter must be strong and always stay strong. This I have to thank my dad which I despise so much now for having no emotions and always a loner. A hunter only knows how to hunt without mercy and pitiless, no feelings.

And from that I have never weep in front of anyone, not even a single tear of joy nor sorrow. But I was completely dismantle when Mom left .. my heart stops beating when I saw her lying motionless ! The moment I assure her that we will be fine, we are all grown ups and we will take care of ourselves that she don't have to worry about us anymore but to go in peace .. she took her last breath !

I am not going to forget how she will disagree with me but still stood by all my decisions, though I have made numerous mistakes in life she stood by, when I was at my darkest she stood by, she tried so hard to accept me the most rebellious child in the family, the one that worries her the most, the one black sheep of the family, she stood by ! The day I was born she start to live in fear (it was during the racial unrest period where curfews are implemented) and worry until the day she leave. Her duty as a mother is to worry about all her children but one that worries her the most .. just came back from the silent retreat, one that had taken a huge leap in a career change, one that have yet to settle down, one that is still searching and drifting out there ! One that still keeps her worry ...

I will be ok, Mom, I am more independent than your other children though sometimes the path that I take are not the normal path most people would go, but this is me the rebellious child that never cease to venture out ! I have your blood in me, the outspoken one and always leader of pack, always the ever curious one. The normal path is not for me and you. We are born during the war and times of unrest ! We both survive .... you do not want me to lead a hard life, when you try to delay my birth (Chinese believe that hard life will for those babies born during full moon or new moon) after Buddha's birthday on the 15th ! but it is destine that I will have to lead a hard life that is full of ups and downs. I had never regretted any, a life that is full of actions will be a life worth living in, rather then a dull passage/journey. I always tell myself, I am a survival, but this time I want to be more then a survival. I want to be a winner. And I will be a winner, I will prove this to you. It is my promise to you that I will take care of younger ones at home and myself. You can rest in peace !

* the hunter had since repent and awaken from the game and are waiting to allow all the emotions submerge beneath that strong identity to flow freely *

Risk taker, are you ?

I was chatting with an Italian buddy just now, sharing some of lives' intriguing moments updating each other news from both sides. She throw me a sentence that rings the bell.

Love and life is always a risk .. we risk our love and life to vulnerability ! To pain, sorrow, joy and happiness ! She is a risk taker as in me, we are both risk takers in a way that we both seek out what we believe is right. Only to experience it that we will know whether it is truly right or the other way.

Taking risk is all part of live and love; we never knows whether we will be the winner or loser until it ends, pre-maturely or it really survive till the end. By risking, our life path, our career choice or our heart we take the steps to seek out the truth what lies beneath our curiosity. I had always believed that a life that swing the fullest is a life truly liven and there's a saying, I live life rather then I pass through life.

Then again,if we try to see things from another angle, not everyone of us are game for it. Some of us are very careful not to risk as they may feel that it is better to be safe then sorry. That we should calculate every steps taken and not to make mistakes out of it. Not to hurt ourself nor other people along the way. Well again, life is to be live and lessons are to be learn, every one have their way of approaching things. We can never say this is the best way nor the ideal method.

I just find her statement to be so true for me, because we don't live for the past nor the future, we live in the present. And if the present moment is right then why hesitate ? But of course in every situation there must be a process, and that process have to be follow and not jump queue !

Oh wow .. amazing I gotta put this down. I was watching CSI Miami, it its amazing that someone did a party to celebrate singlehood, divorce ceremony ! *jaw drop* but well this is life. People do all sorts of things but yeah this is life, happy sorrow joy and pain. We go through it ! By risking we take steps to make our life better, feel better and venturing out of that comfort zone to experience things.

Are you a risk taker like me and my Italian buddy here ?

Pain

I was trying to find a topic to write, one did comes up. I was about to write about stalking but suddenly I want to write about pain. I thought I had written about pain before, but when I click back on my posts .. none ! I omitted this topic so much when I was no stranger to it at all.

I always say to myself "life is about how much we can endure, and still comes out unspoiled of it". It took me 3 years to come out of the 1st 'silent retreat'. Life gives us so much of pain and sorrow, and for us, those who can come out unspoiled of it are the learned one. Those who can over come the pain and sorrow will know what joy and happiness are. Coelho, my favorite writer, did asks whether we want happiness or joy ? Joy is everlasting, happiness is the surge of a moment ! But most often we end up in pain and sorrow before we can really find the everlasting joy !

Physical pain is healable but mental pain is lifetime. It will leave a lifetime memory and a scar deep enough to reminds us never to enter the trouble water again. But then again how many of us do really absorb the lesson and never enter into trouble water again ? We are not seeking pain but we are seeking what believe in, and most the time very often it happens that we maneuver the wrong corner and ended up in the wrong place and got ourself once again enduring the pain again. Such is life, the repeating lesson until it is learned.

Pain is inevitable in our life for without pain we don't know what happiness is about, without suffering we don't know what joy is ! It is all inter-related. When in pain we have to allow it time to heal be it physical or mental. If we push too hard for recovery it will snap and the wound may just continues to deteriorate and gets worse. We must allow time for the wound / pain to be over so that we can continue our journey !

Now are you in pain ? Have you allow your wound ample time to heal properly .. don't leave a deep scar !

touching base

Dinner tonight with the gang, people that I have known for more then 30 years, was relaxing and also a way for me to come back to reality and being myself. The quiet me. It's so natural that you know you can be yourself with them, there is no need to wear any kind of mask; they are my anchor just when I think I am floating away, just when I need to stay balance, just when I think I just need some company. The girls are as usual ever talkative and complaining but that's the fun part as well as the string that pulls me back when I am drifting out in the open sea.

It's not a very spectacular night, just some plain and simple dinner, seeing the faces and happily chatting away, with the little boy getting all the attentions *_* these are the people I can be myself and need not be weary of any hidden agendas. These are the people that do no care who I am in the society, what I am. They are just there for life !

And during the chat, my mind kept flying far away in the universe. Patience and Mom .. the 2 words that rings ! A friend had problems with patience with her Mom who is diagnose with breast cancer and are undergoing chemotherapy, I use to be exactly like her. Losing my patience, but now I don't have that chance anymore. Mom left a year ago on Dec 19th ... we did not have the chance to celebrate her birthday cause she left us on her birthday. My mind had been flashing back what happens a year ago... the pain of losing her on the morning of her birthday ... I did not allow myself enough time to mourn and heal, cause I want to offer myself as example to everyone that its ok and we should continue to be strong and live on ... but I am not inside here. It still hurts me alot. And soon her birthday is here again. I don't know whether I can be that strong to let things pass and to truly move on.

But I am glad today I am able to be myself infront of the girls, listening to them complaining about their husband, mom and son ! It's just simple, pleasant though none concerns me.

how long did you touch base since ? perhaps its time now .. don't you think so ?

Grateful that the heart still feels

When I read this sentence from a fellow twitterer just now, it struck me instantly ! I too am being grateful that after so much of obstacles and failures, lessons and classes, my heart is still able to feel. Isn't it amazing ? That after so much of what had happened to my heart that I am still feeling ! !

I am not immune, I am still alive ! I also want to share a little here. Recently 2 persons that is from the circle of my life is having their marriage problem and I don't know to consider myself honour or otherwise. They share their sadness with me, their problems and also their sorrows. Of all the people, ME ? This is certainly the joke of the century.. I of all the people have been searching all my life about LOVE; suffering, passing, avoiding, fearing from it and still it is eluding from me.

Of all the people, how could I be qualify to advise them ? In fact I didn't, all I did was just assuring them that what they have chosen to do now is right .. is what is best for them. Because in actual fact there is not right or wrong to what is now. I learn from all my pain and sorrows that we cannot fix a certain formula nor recipe to the current situation. Me, you and her are all different we are not clones to each other and we are not genetic. We are not the same our feelings and situation are not.

No way is the best way out of any situation when matters of the heart are involve. We just have to let our heart decide what we feel and what feels right ! To deal with heart let the heart decide, never allows the head to over rule ! And I cannot give them a specific directions to do this or do that, because they themselves have to decide what they want for themselves, NOT me. And in a deep corner of their heart, they would have decided already what they want to do or will do. Human is all stubborn, until we do it we will never listen or believe what is say. SO when the heart have tried, it will know when to leave and throw the towel.

For me I guess I am still puzzle why they came to me, I mean pour out to me. Clueless 0_o

saddened ..

One of the reason why I have alway refuse to read papers are either its suicide or rape or abandon children. This morning the news of Daul Kim had me still pondering why at her age of 20, she ended her journey pre-maturely ? The depression and stress for someone who is at the helm of her work. From the vlog she shot of herself and fellow colleagues, she seems to be a smart gal, but perhaps she is a misfit. In the worng place for the wrong reason. She should be pursuing other interest that can satisfy her interest and needs rather then staying in the fast track.

I don't know Daul but I feel very sad and sympathize her; her suicide at such a young age is making me thinking why what is actually behind her mind and why ?? the big WHY ! ?, why would a gal her age, a tender 20, wants to end her life ? What is she thinking ? Life is so precious and those who a critically ill fight with all their might to take that extra breath of air .. everyday is a new day, a learning day, an adventure that is never ending.

I do agree on a certain extend that when we are alone and felt out of place, being alienated and alone have no love one nor close one to share the joy and sorrow, all sorts creepy ideas come up ! And also I understand that not all of us are mentally strong ..

What about you ? have you thought of ending your journey pre-maturely ?

Most educative trip ever ...

I just had a trip to Mabul island staying with Borneo Divers. This trip brings together alot of people that had touched me in a lot of aspects, Clement Lee, my ex-boss from the Borneo Divers, Tengku Adlin, which I still remember our first meet during Mabul marine day where we share a light chat, a person that I simply admire for his passion in what he is doing, he leads and inspire.

Clement and Jamhariah having a light moment ...

Terengganu meets Sabah ..... an exchange of inspiring topics and discussion that had enlightened the person in between !

Tengku Adlin presenting Sabah ..

Tengku Adlin sharing his story when he first arrive Sabah .. a Kelantan prince in Sabah !

karma

Do you believe in karma ? What goes around comes around if not in this life perhaps it will in your next life, one day it will comes back. All religion teaches us about this, so that ALL of us will do good. But sometimes it is beyond our control that we do unto another soul something bad, or hurt someone indirectly.

It is funny how all religion in this world keep reminding everyone of us to be good and act good, but all these teachings and messages are always mend to be ignore and broken. Many goes against what is being taught and did most the opposite.

Now I am not going to touch on this topic. What I want to talk about is how funny the world is that it has a way of its own in writing a story. Karma connects all of us, we are all tied up in a string, I just watched CSI last night where Crimson talk about the String theory. Every object human or otherwise are tie to a string, and all are inter-related, everyone of us are inter-related, one leads to the other.

I met someone recently and we have less then may be 20 sentences in total of chat time in 5 days ? But the feelings is like we have known each other through a strange feeling, its not that we physically know each other before but may be our soul known each other from a different life. I went through her facebook and I saw a picture of her that makes me feel like I have seen this face before, its familiar ! Its strange and it feels like we have come a long way. Then again I know nothing much about her judging from our few sentences of mere greetings rather then a real conversation.

This again, makes me ponder about the topic of soulmate I have just finished on a book by Coelho; soulmate when met in next life can instantly felt a closeness of each other but may not be united in this world as each have evolved, may be one have found a new soul mate and keep evolving. But somehow the feeling of closeness is there. And instantly you know that this person you can trust fully, that you can be safe with this person. And you can instantly connects.

Have this ever happens to you before ? You meet someone and you have a strange feeling of that person and its really like you have known each other from somewhere. But yet this life you know nothing about that person at all until now.

the end ..

It suddenly comes to me .. do you know when the end is coming ? I mean we could have been engage in doing a job, to a person, or any thing in that matter; but do we know when the end will comes ? OR do we know that it will lasts forever on the other hand ? A marriage of 10 years, 15 years could just end ... anything could just end tomorrow; our life, our job, our relationship !

I guess the answer is no, we don't know and never will know. The End. It seems lies on the hand of the most powerful universe or we can say God, the creator of the universe. And since we never know when the end is coming, why are we still procrastinating on making our life a happier and more meaningful one ?

I know I want to live each day as if its the end, and make the best of it without being intoxicated by poisons and darts from all over. When we don't know when the end is near, why would we want to keep ourself busy with hurting more people instead of helping them out ! Why do we still want to be wary of people .. why can't we just live a true and meaningful life ? Well of course I am having wishful thinking hoping for the ultimate honesty which is not going to happen !

Since we don't know when the end will comes, why don't we just do it ?

When the new is here do you get rid of the old ?

I had posted this in my face book recently and would like to re-post it here

" The recent months/weeks/days .. I was lucky enough to make friends with many people from all over north south east and west ; some are fun, interesting, cool, warm, cute, and some are uptight and some are just few hours encounters ! BUT ALL walks into my life with a very unique way ...

These may be people that will walk with me the rest of my journey on earth, some may be just casual acquaintances no matter how they came into my life at this moment. Perhaps teaching me or giving lesson on human relationship. Some how everyone of you OLD and NEW are people that I valued in my life and wants to keep for the rest of my life !

Friendships OLD or NEW is never and not meant to be rid of, unlike any material belonging that we own, when the new one comes we have to get rid of the old stock ! FRIENDSHIP is NEVER too old to keep ^_^ thank you for being my friend and remain my friend "

I want to add in a few ... that at this moment in my life suddenly there are so many people coming into it that I was so blessed with each new encounters. Thank you.

Phuket re-visit

It has been 17 years since my last visit to Phuket island. I can't even recognize the airport nor Patong beach ! Totally no idea how it is like before and now after tsunami.

And yet this trip to Phuket I have not much time to really walk around and meet people from the road. It was so rush that I hardly really have time to take a breath.

Nonetheless it was fun, kinda reminds me of those days, leading tours having fun and also reunion with some old friends like Grace and Dorrell. On the 1st day of departure, I shock myself with a little nervousness. Jump up and thought that I left my passport behind ! But it has been my habit that I put my passport in the bag the night before, the rest is not important ! Kinda nervous as I have not lead any tours for 15 years now ! !

Here the whole gang that the gala dinner a success !

The waiters / waitress are so sporting and play to our tune...

This one is especially playful ...

I couldn't believe myself that I return to my old days of wild wild fun ...

Its really nice to be a part of this team though there are some hiccups here and there but personally for me, its what goes around comes around. Somehow is our journey we tend to be brought back to things that we left behind and thought that it will never comes back to us. BUT universe always have a way of its own, if it is unfinished it has to be finish ! And now its done and over with ! I did have fun and felt at home, it reminds me of my days leading tour with Marco Polo Holidays. And now it is finally over and done with.

some random pics from my recent trip ...

mataking island's ship wreck ... Jee, Martin, Ed, Jan and ME ! !

Ed descending the wreck... my camera wasn't the high end one, so I fail to capture the silhouette, yet this is one I like most ^_^

Nemo is always the cutest fish around and I saw this white anemone in South Point Sipadan ! its the perfect match of color contrast ...

Nudibranch my favorite object from the sea !

I have more but these are those that I like most ... feast your eyes la !

Thai food in Mataking !

Well here's my recent encounter with friends from Bangkok who goes on a diving holiday to Mataking Island ( I will post another blog pictures on land and underwater)

Here's is Jum with our Malaysian chef working on fried keow teow ala Thai.

And here is Koi babysitting little Milan, they were at the jetty just went we surface from the house reef ...

This is very very nice northern Thai delights which I don't know the name .. it consist very basic and simple ingredients, erm I don't know whats the leaf is well there's onion, ginger,fried peanut, dried shrimp, tamarine sauce and of course chilli

Jee preparing the 'leaf'

And again Jee preparing the Thai dip sauce which consist of chillies, garlic, lemon/lime, fish sauce, sugar; its for our 7kg mantis shrimp cooked with salted and chillies ! duh I forgot to take pictures of it as its just too tempting and I go straight in !

Well here are just some of the food prepare by my Thai friends, and I just love to travel with them ! Its always food, food, food and more food ! !

finding home

I always travel to places that I have been before .. only occasionally I venture out to new places. Reason being when I like a place I want to go back again and again to truly see the culture and people. I want to know and understand a place in depth. What changes have it gone through, as I grow how had the place growth !

May be its my nature that I can never settle down in one place for long and travel is one of my passions. Then again when I travel I always forget myself, may be a hope of finding HOME. But I think all these years I have got it the wrong way, HOME is where the heart is. And that I have not been able to find my heart that I constantly travel and get out of the norm. I have not really stop and allow myself space and time to find HOME !

I know this very well and even advises a friend that she is lucky for finding HOME away from home. This I can't advise myself. Deep down I have always wanted to find HOME, and have been searching and looking all my life to find it.

And this time, my heart is really heavy to leave. I will be away for 10 days, before this I will always look forward to get out, get away and be free. But now, this weary traveller is getting half hearted to leave, too tire and are seriously having changed my thinking that I am looking at settling down. I have tried searching high and low all my life for that someone that can tie me down, for where HOME is, but am too afraid to be tie down and gets committed. Fear ... but perhaps with all the weariness and lessons learned before this I am more prepare to allow my subconscious to dictate and help me set forth my next journey ... of finding home.

May be age does makes a whole lot of difference when we go through life's many stages and levels, we learn we grow we become who we are not ... we mellow we change like fine wine we age !

which way ?

You see that it is wrong and you have to do something, but what can you do ? You can't do much to change it. Then again you have do something, so that it will not turn tragic. So that it will not create a bigger problem in the future, everything is a cause and effect. If we can see how things end up we will do our best to prevent it. Because prevention is always better then cure. And most often when it had happened cure is of no help, because it had already happen; the cure would only be either find away to get over it or leave it ! So before that happens shy don't you prevent it ?

Its funny, the last two days I had been dreaming of my mom, things that is related to her sickness and death ! I don't know why, may be I have yet to overcome her death and I miss her a lot. I did not dream of her directly but things that is related to her. How could I had miss seeing the signs that she is so sick and had cancer. How could I have miss seeing the signs and thought that its just normal coughing ! I wonder how long I will need to overcome this fatal mistake of blindness in me, failure to take good care of her ! and when she is not around, I find that my responsibility grows, I had always be the big sister overlooking my younger brother. The shoulder is getting heavier.

I guess I can feel how parents feel when they want the best for their kids, just that they often forgot that there are certain ways that will is better then what they think should be.

Most people will say that this is the best way for them, but have they really see or listen clearly that there is no best way at all. Everything that we do we must always remember, do it with your heart and not be blinded by it. Once our heart is blinded, we hear nothing we see nothing, all we see is evil and all we listen is anger ! If that is what we see and hear, then most often that is not the best way at all and its the only way to self destruction.

So which is your way ? My only way is by using my heart to lead me to the best way.

burning flame

Burning Flame, I have always emphasize on working with the flame. When a person wants to excel in one area, he or she have to have that burning flame in his or her heart and once the flame wade off, its also the end of the light.

When we work or commit ourselves into something we must always let the flame burn on, we may allow it to dim but never die off ! It goes the same with passion, for a life without passion and dream is a life not worth living; is a life live without knowing what it is for.

In every little or grand gestures that we do, we should do it with this burning flame ! This very same ‘heat’ comes alive when I was involved in a group tweet in support of a ‘couple’ recently. A fellow twitter was so full of ‘passion’ which I don’t think it as bad. Because when a deeply passionate person feels the frustration of a struggle, it automatically surface all emotions that has been running deep. And this is real and true emotions. This is also part of what I am trying to deal with in our Asian cultures, tons of minorities be it race, gender or religious conflicts are being surprises’ in Asia and most frustratingly is the person being suppressed is not doing anything about it to rise up ! Just let it be .. living a life without truly living in it !

I quote a little example of a casual encounter that I had recently. This person is so afraid to come out to her family citing filial piety and tons of circumstances that may rise from it. Well yes different family have different values and there’s a Chinese saying ‘ every family have it own mantras that is un-chant able’ And there goes, who is more selfish here ? The parents/family or the person itself ? If let say she choose to come out and this will makes her parents angry and says that she is a bad daughter etc etc and selfish in her choice to come out that may tarnish or make the family lose face. This could end up her parents disowning her, zero inheritance from parents, and she is totally on her own. But she live and honest life, no lying, no covering up of tales after tales, the heart is full and are able to speak the freely !

Now lets think of the other way round, that she chooses not to come out and seek happiness of her own. After all one is responsible to one’s own happiness or in this case unhappiness … she choose to be in the closet forever and not being recognize anywhere and not being able to come out in the open with relatives and friends acknowledging who she is. She live a life of deceit and lies … she makes her parents happy living in a world of deceit and make pretending that nothing happen and all is right ! And she is being tie to a string like a bird that is not able to fly away to higher ground to the sky .. something is in there that is not free.

Of the 2 choices, which would you take ?

while I was away ...

While I was away in Bali recently on a business trip with a group of divers and to meet up with a close friend associate. I for the first time felt like returning 'home'. I stayed in this resort Alam Asmara before it was open back in 2004. The birth of this resort had been through a long and winding road that is full of joy and happiness, sweet and sour ! I had witnessed this journey of this resort's growth and when I finally get the chance to stay in a sense of melancholic comes instantly when I was greeted in the middle of the night by the same person who receive me during my first stayed when it was in its final stage to be ready for opening but have yet to be fully furnish ! I was the unofficial 1st guest then with no staff, no proper toiletries nor a 'working' kitchen (basically its all empty except the one room that is with only the bed & shower).

And now after 5 years I am finally back to this resort again, as a guest ! I am speechless ... its a full cycle though its not complete because along the way, a friend did not make it to see the finishing of this resort, Anez passed away due to sickness and she left behind a dear friend who have to struggle to make their dream comes true. Anez plays a major role in this resort. I hope she can see that it has now fruit well.

A few times when I walk along the pathway when I went to the restaurant when I went in to the spa room or just passed the reception, my heart was filled ! I can feel the struggle to get this dream fulfilled the long and winding journey !

I, too, am trying to fulfilled a dream in fact I am greedy to be working on 2 at the same time. I am always multitasking and dream far & wide ! And the road had never been easy ever since I make that leap out of silent retreat ! I want I want I want ...

And also during this trip, I had venture out on my own doing one thing that I could have never thought of doing at all. I ride a motorbike ! ! this is the second time I do so, the first time was in Ko Lanta with Keiko. But this time I was alone, it's something that I could have never thought of doing after numerous visits to Bali. My adventurous side kicks in and it feels nice .. just to experience that and step out of the normal routine !

my recent Bali trip

Ok this is my recent Bali trip ... some random pictures.

At Tulamben wreck, world war II USS Liberty ...

this is the Black & White version

Mola mola gone holiday, too bore took picture of myself lor.

This the mysterious eyes of Alam Asmara ...

Nusa Penida, the Mola Mola island

Coleman shrimp of Seraya *trying my skill at u/w photography*

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

I quotes this from Mark Twain.

Of late, I find myself losing my grip on my daily life, my focus and my passions are all floating and drifting. Work matters, relationship matters are all over the places.

But what really troubles me is a new friendship ... hmmm I find myself entangle in the web of deceit and a friendship gone wrong when I touch on the most sensitive of their truth. When the topic comes out it is right on the most sensitive of the situation and that I have touch on their most fearsome taboo. I have long rise up to this kind of entanglement but somehow drawn into it unconsciously. At this moment in my life, I have walk the many path and taken up the many lessons in life that I am most too frank to touch on the taboo of honesty and being truth to oneself and the people around us especially in the minority community's issue.

Anyway, I have come this far in life to know who will walk the path with me and who I will leave behind as well as who will just be a casual encounter. I am never a person who like to spend time involve in a toxic friendship, if a person comes into my life just for a reason then I know when to end. Because I am not there to change but just to invoke a mind to think what's next ! And it is always not my choice to decide what's next for anyone to follow.

I guess along the way you and me have gone through a lot of picking up and dropping off, the process selection is always never ending. Human is also ever changing that we will meet so many types of people and characters that may or may not fits into our own ! And talk about fitting in .. some are wearing masks everyday, some are just plain ignorant and some are just too secretive ! ! If I am to wear a mask in front of a person whom I call friend then its just to tiresome and faking. I will choose to leave and opt out .. because I don't want to cover a lie with more lies, it is too tiring to have to remember what I have said !

I find it amazing that at this part of my journey I am facing some very interesting people. Some of whom choose to be restricting their true self, some are open on the surface and yet fear to speak the truth, some choose to be ignorant and dumb ! Some look fearless but are full of fear inside, some choose to live a life full of deceit when they keep accusing cheaters and liers ! It is most fascinating how human varies and how each have their own choices to live their life !

What an amazingly true life ! So what kind of mask are you wearing now ?

Soulmate

I am reading a new book called Brida and it is about Brida's journey of finding her soulmate ! from the very first few pages I read, I couldn't put it down. This is how powerful Coelho's skill of story telling is.

And it keeps me thinking when I read "But how will I know who my soulmate is ? "By taking risks, by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end" And before that, why soulmate and what is soulmate ? Accordingly, we may have many soulmate in our life as we are re-born again and again that our souls are being split into 2 and re-born. It also explains why in our live we go through a few relationships each time thinking that we have found the one but it may turns out to be not.

Do you believe in soulmate ? I am still unable to find the right words to continue this post.

Note : I have to admit that I struggling to finish this post on a few occasions but never have the inspiration to write as my mind was far away. And I don't want to delay and keep on editing this post.

Some crazy vdos ...

VDO # 01

SuperGoo

VDO # 02

SuperDog

VDO # 03

SuperFarnie

Enjoy while I sum up and finish the last post !

Are you true to yourself ?

The past few week I have been having some blocks .. too many things moving and surfacing, however one of the most disturbing is a new friendship, which I thought should be a new friendship because I am a deadly honest and frank person, I hold no reservations when it comes to friendship ! Some people are taken aback with my over warm some may be offended but we they see and opens up .. they will know who I am.

Recently I have had an encounter with a new friend, I don't know whether to take her as a friend or otherwise. When we connects, we opens up ourself to be true to each other and hence the exchange of informations about ourself, who we are, what we are. That will leads to more sharing and caring on a mutual level.

It is in my principal and my utmost belief that when we first connect to know each other, we already have the fate and destiny that if we can keep the relation opens and allows it to develop into a friendship would be ideal. Life is so short why would we need to hide and lie ? Because with one lie more lies will come, in order to cover that lie. SO it will be a change of lies. If we hide the truth then everyone will be in a web of deceit, nothing is real all are fake !

Being friend, if we open up the flow to communicate we should be sincere and trustworthy to this bonding, otherwise we are not being true to ourself and the person we are in connection with. This person that I have had the connection with really disappoint me, I am a person who holds friendship dearly and strongly, more important than anythings else besides my family ! A friend should be for lifetime, otherwise I will refer you as my casual acquaintance.

I really feel disappointed and upset when I am able to opens up to her I expect the equal and same level of honesty and respect from her. With this group of new friends. they are so warm and truth to their very own existence despite them coming from different backgrounds except one ! However one particular person I don't know whether to call her as a friend or otherwise is living in a world of her own; denial ? escapism ? Only she herself knows.

All I want to say is, to accept who you are and being true to yourself is most important. That to live a life of denial and escapism is not an act of bravery but an act of cowardice ! One must be brave enough to face what life throws to us if we are not able to face it then what is life about ? What lesson have you learn in this journey on earth ? You just passes through it, never living in it !

It will be a life full of suffering and unhappiness, why would we need to live our life in such a manner when we can lift our heads up high and be true to ourself. And why would we want to hide away from reality ? I can feel her loneliness and fear; somehow if she is not willing to open up, I will only be staring from outside into the dark little chamber there with only a hole to peep into.

I do feel sad that I am not able to help her to understand the importance of acceptance of being truth to oneself. Only if she is able to accept and be open that people around her will be able to help and assist her to see a whole new world !

I told her I have not abandon her, I am still here when she is ready to share ! Don't be an idiot and not take pro-active move .. be fair to your love one and yourself !

RIP RIP RIP

It came as a surprise that Yasmin Ahmad one of my favorite Malaysian .. passed away after a stroke and never regain consciousness. Its a sudden death at 51. Its a huge lost for the film and commercial industry of Malaysia.

I just couldn't imagine that we were talking about her just the day before that she had a stroke and still in ICu after the brain operation. Hoping that she will come out fine. And 2 hours later, she passed away. I was shock to hear the news, that life is so fragile that we can never ever predict or guess what will happen the next hour. Mom leaves us in a hurry herself, may be its destine that she waits until all 3 of us comes back and 'surrender' to God's will ! It will be a shock to Yasmin's family, and it will be difficult to ever come to accept her demise. It will be tough to accept !

I have tried to write as much as I can these few weeks. somehow too many ups and downs surrounding me such as this. I think as we grow, we become more aware and take things more into our heart as compare to when we are younger, we would just brush anything aside or being ignorant as that time while younger we may be too engross with our other life.

Where are you now ? Where is your journey ? Which corner are you maneuvering now ? Are you rushing down the hills ? Just no matter at what point you doing dealing with now, always be in this moment; BE IN THIS MOMENT ! So that when you look back there is no regret that you did not see it, feel it nor hear it !

I want to thank those of you who have came in to read .. either I know you directly or indirectly. Thank you for reading .. I hope that you will take a minute and remember the loved ones that had leave you and had touched your life before they leave. Think of them for a minute if not 2 !

some pictures

Well I have not have any inspiration to write ermm not actually there's quite a lot of things to write but don't know which one to start with.

And a friend, a new friend was complaining that my blog is bit too boring no pictures for her to see. Sooo here you are some pictures of me from my recent trips ..