boiling ..

** sudden urge to let this post out trigger by you **

I am afraid when December arrive, I am afraid to once again expose myself to vulnerability and pain. I did not really allow myself to mourn the death and deal with the pain a year ago. I should have but I did not, I keep myself so busy that I didn't allow any room for tears to flow in. I hurried my life, to get into the actions and bury all my sorrows and pains. I guess this is me, I was 'trained' to be strong, to protect myself from being hurt, not to be weak. And weakness must not be shown, but to be kept inside. Thats is the life of hunter that I was once train when young, a hunter must be strong and always stay strong. This I have to thank my dad which I despise so much now for having no emotions and always a loner. A hunter only knows how to hunt without mercy and pitiless, no feelings.

And from that I have never weep in front of anyone, not even a single tear of joy nor sorrow. But I was completely dismantle when Mom left .. my heart stops beating when I saw her lying motionless ! The moment I assure her that we will be fine, we are all grown ups and we will take care of ourselves that she don't have to worry about us anymore but to go in peace .. she took her last breath !

I am not going to forget how she will disagree with me but still stood by all my decisions, though I have made numerous mistakes in life she stood by, when I was at my darkest she stood by, she tried so hard to accept me the most rebellious child in the family, the one that worries her the most, the one black sheep of the family, she stood by ! The day I was born she start to live in fear (it was during the racial unrest period where curfews are implemented) and worry until the day she leave. Her duty as a mother is to worry about all her children but one that worries her the most .. just came back from the silent retreat, one that had taken a huge leap in a career change, one that have yet to settle down, one that is still searching and drifting out there ! One that still keeps her worry ...

I will be ok, Mom, I am more independent than your other children though sometimes the path that I take are not the normal path most people would go, but this is me the rebellious child that never cease to venture out ! I have your blood in me, the outspoken one and always leader of pack, always the ever curious one. The normal path is not for me and you. We are born during the war and times of unrest ! We both survive .... you do not want me to lead a hard life, when you try to delay my birth (Chinese believe that hard life will for those babies born during full moon or new moon) after Buddha's birthday on the 15th ! but it is destine that I will have to lead a hard life that is full of ups and downs. I had never regretted any, a life that is full of actions will be a life worth living in, rather then a dull passage/journey. I always tell myself, I am a survival, but this time I want to be more then a survival. I want to be a winner. And I will be a winner, I will prove this to you. It is my promise to you that I will take care of younger ones at home and myself. You can rest in peace !

* the hunter had since repent and awaken from the game and are waiting to allow all the emotions submerge beneath that strong identity to flow freely *