Life and death

When My mum was warded at the emergency room last week, next to her bed was a woman of late 30s. She wanted to take her life, for what reason I would have guess is related to her husband and financial. Keep saying that she have only RM40 in her bank, well I think at some point in our life we will be thrown to the bottom so that we can triumph and return a much better person. She was sent in by her sister and father in law. Husband whereabout ? no idea. While here we are, my mum trying very hard to live on. Struggling to continue breathing. 

That moment I was really very confuse my mind keeps asking why would the creator create such a scene ? Here we are very worry about her life being taken away, there she wanted to give her life away.

With my mum's leaving, I truly felt the pain of losing. The moment of losing is very hard to accept when it is not meant to be yet. Most people would say it a battle lost without a fight, but to me I only want her to leave without any suffering. She have had enough suffering and pain in her life. She deserve to die painlessly.  

Everyday in our journey, things come and go in our life be it a human or a material. We tend to have feelings of like or hate. When we put in our deepest feelings into a person or an item, the time to part will be or tremendous hurt. It is like piercing into our core ! Losing my mum recently had melt my strong character down alot. I was brought up to be like a boy, as dad was not at home all the time and elder brother is always running away from problems leaving me the no.2 to handle most things. I learn to be strong and take over whatever my mum can't handle. I shut my emotion from the outside for a long long time until the zahir appeals and break ALL the concrete and metal walls that had been wrapping around me for years. I thank the zahir for allowing me to feel AGAIN. And now I can truly feel and express myself a little better; spiritually and emotionally. Though I am still a verbal cripple. I hope to learn this lesson soon enough to allow me to express freely.

I had always said that the communication between humans are very important that we need to open up to let all the flows in and out. But in cases, I know is easier said then done. Like the woman who had committed suicide, she is still very much verbal on expressing her mind and feelings, but in the case of my mum, she can't express what's in her as free as she could have. She is in a semi conscious state of mind. 

A 'special' friend posted a song in her facebook ' in the arms of the angel' .. I hope that my mum too is in the arms of the angel, and being guided to her final resting place where she belongs to.

May you rest in peace, mum. 

 

Ma, Dou Cheh

I want to make this post dedicated to my mum who passed away on her birthday 19th Dec. 

Thank you mum, for standing by me through good and bad times.

Thank you mum, for caring after me all these years without any complains.

Thank you mum, for letting me see the most powerful love of all, just by being there ALL the time.

I come to experience another stage in my current journey on the true meaning of LOSING. Everything, materials wise, is worthless when the heart is so grief stricken and so heartfelt on the lost of a most important person in one's life. In this case, my mum had been 'that' person standing by me all along be it that I am happy, sad, joy or sorrow. More so when I am in deep mulling and worry about what the future lies, she just keep standing there by my side .. not wanting to interfere with my decisions nor change it, just quietly standing behind me ever ready to step up when I need her. She is the traditional thinking lady who will be keeping at side and not voicing anything but will stand up immediately with my very first call for help, no questions no complains; this is her greatest trait and her strongest power of love, supporting me, her only daughter, without blocking objecting to any of my decisions. To let your love one goes and experience everything that is awaiting but keeping at side to hold her when she falls.

I am the most rebellious and outgoing of my siblings and also the one that makes her worries to most as I fear nothing to reach out to my adventurous nature. I am the one that got sick the most, I am the one that visit the hospital the most during childhood, I am also the one that is the daredevils, I am also the one that speaks my mind as compares to my 2 brothers. Her traditional thinking of my lifestyle and career choice had been too much to bare, she had overcome her fear of letting me go. Then again she did it, she did let me go and let me fly as high as I aim though she knows that nothing can stop me from doing what I have set forth, I am as stubborn as she is. Though I always won over whenever I am not happy, my silence is her killer tools. She is my safety ground, though I know I have taken advantage of that for along time now. I will certainly miss her 'advises' and 'gossips'; it is my nature that I never like to gossip but will be 'updated' constantly of what happens among relatives and family members.

Mum is the one who had endure so much of pains to bring up the 3 of us siblings when dad is not at home all the time, excuses of work in overseas. Mum is the one who took over the role of dad, she is just an extraordinary woman from a poor family who doesn't read or write much, but she never fails to keep herself reading newspapers to learn more and updated of the current affairs. Though she has been laugh at on her illiteracy, she never fail to give us the best lesson in life; to be a better person, a responsible and hardworking human. 

I had always blessed any animals that got killed on the road whenever I pass one, or any death that I come across but this time I don't know who will bless my mum's. Seeing her condition deteriorate, all that comes into my mind is to take her pains off her, to let her go without much suffering. She had suffer much her life from an irresponsible husband and much pain in her as she did not receive the love that a partner should have given, she keeps it all to herself and raise us without any complains until the day every of us are ready for ourself.

Deep down I know that she worries of me the most if not the second. I can't give her a son in law nor any grandchildren. I am still her responsibility as long as I am still single, that is her traditional thinking, that is her conservative belief that a woman should be taken care by a man. But she had never once ask nor question me to seek knowledge of my love life. She allows me to choose the right time for myself. This, I remain and felt deeply sorry that I cannot fulfill her hope. I had wanted so much to give her and share my happiness in finding a partner, but fate has it that I can never fulfill this. It had been troubling and making me guilty that I did not realize her sickness sooner, from coughing. It was my fault for not taking good care of her. I could have been more alert of her conditions.

When I see her condition at the ICU without the ability to breathe on her own , I ask the most powerful to relieve her from the pain that she is suffering; if you are going to take her away let her be spare of all the pain. Let her go without pain and suffering.

Mum, I will miss you forever. May your soul rest in peace and I hope that when you read this you can give her a wish  ' Bless your soul'

Adversity

I was trying to find something to write and was observing what is happening around me of late. They are a lot of things that is happening actually; a friend from the finance industry got retrench, another was staging a mass resign, one was having an old sickness comes back to haunt her, there are many other things that is evolving around us. The universe, God in accordance to your religion, is ever testing our perseverance and patience to rise above our problems and misfortunes. Everyday there tend to be disaster, be it nature or man made, in some corner of the world, everyday there tend to be dead, everyday there tend to crime committed voluntarily or accidently. Everyday among the many of us, things happen, misfortunes never stops, be it a sick family member, lost of assets, lost of life, lost of job. It is never ending but how each of us handles these adversities in life makes us who we are and what we evolve to be. 

All these are our lessons and tests, testing our ability to rise above these occasions or fall on the occasion. These are lesson for us to learn to be strong and not give up who we are. My young niece was asking why would anyone commit a crime of cheating, why would anyone kidnap a young girl; molest and kill her ? Why would anyone do such a thing of cheating ? and killing ? I can't answer her immediately, all I can advise her is what ever you do ... take into your HEART as consideration that you can face ourself and be true to your heart. Everyone of us are born pure and innocence, we embark on a journey with lot of high hopes and dreams but along the way we taint ourself with sins and guilts that at the end of the road we awakes and learn to repent our sins hoping that it will not be too late. 

In our everyday lives, or may be as in my life, there are many many things happening and evolving that makes me realize and connects with the spiritual side of me. I have been blessed with my own awakening on certain issues and sights that needed my attention or lessons thrown to me so that I learn from it. I have learned to listen instead of hearing, I have learn to be a little more patience instead of rushing in, I also learn to let my heart rule rather then allow my head decides. I accept that things happens for a reason and are a lesson for me to prepare me for the bigger issue that is on the way ! I am trying to learn from adversity, that all the misfortunes are just trials and as in any journey the bumpier it is the more fun it will be. Instead of a life that is plain and dull.

Preparation; I come to realize and accept that all crisis are blessings in some ways that it prepares us for the next chapter in our life, the next journey that we are to embark on. That we should not be weaken by what had transpire and any misfortunes that had bestow on us. 

How much you can take adversity ? How would you come out of it ?

Where is your child now ?

It is now school holiday and the kids at home are so free and bore that they try to find time to do something more useful rather then staying at home watching TV or playing computer games.

My elder niece is trying to fill in time by helping me update my database contacts in exchange for a meal and a minimal pocket money. Other kids are going for holiday camp and indulge in some relaxations.

Just now I was sending a friend back home after lunch when my eyes caught these 2 little girl sitting next to the dump bins. I thought they are playing around, but I was a little shock to see that they  (I assume are sisters as they look alike) are running through every piece of bottles; plastics and glass. Sniffing the contents and separating them ! The first thought came to my mind was where are their parents ? How is the family condition ? As a child they lose their childhood, perhaps by helping their mum to feed their younger siblings. It always trouble me to see that kids have to help out parents or being in an abusive family. 

Kids nowadays are expose to being street smart rather then being academic smart. A lot of parents encourages their children to stop school if the they don’t do well; why less parentsare encouraging their kids to finish school ? Then again there is always the debate of what’s the point of having a master’s degree when a street smart guy can earn double the graduate ? Well that’s always the debate. To me it doesn’t matter how much a person earn either in monetary or degree, if he is a scoundrel or con he is NOT worth a single dime in character and respect. A degree holder can be earning as low as he don’t deserve BUT if he earn it through his efforts and hard work, he well deserve every single cents. If the street smart guy earns thousands via vice and drugs he is worth nothing !

I would rather teach my kids to be a better person then to have them holding a doctorate but earning money through scams and laundering ! Likewise though the kid is not smart enough to finish college, at least I’ll teach him to be an honest person. Being honest to oneself though can be seen as stupid by others is not a sin. The universe have eyes and are aware of whats happening; there was a chinese saying 'the kind hearted will be bullied by fellow human, but not by the universe'

We come into this world without a single cent in our body, nor do we wear any branded cloth with us. When we live, we can never bring what we gain from this journey with us like we come but we can live behind memories and a name to people who had share our journey. If in your lifetime you can touch at least 5 people, your life is not a waste.

Children, I read somewhere, is like flour. It is so pure and white, it is the baker that molds the shape of the bread, bun or cake and tops it with coloring and icings that it change to become hard, soft, colorful or plain. If we simply put the responsibility to the oven or cooker to decided what shape and color for the bread or cake or bun then it will turn out to be nonsense and useless; its neither here nor there and you have to throw it away. So please do not let your kids be thrown away, when you can simply spend little more time to mold them. Please do not let go of your responsibility to the teachers at school, they have no responsibility to remind your son or daughter to clean their plates after dinner or wash their feet before sleep nor wish their grand parents.

Where is your child now ?

Against Nature

I was away last weekend taking my niece, Jerry and my good friend with her son, Nicholas. It was school holiday and I have promised Jerry to take her for a snorkeling trip since most island in the eastern coast is closed for the monsoon season we went to Pulau Payar in Langkawi, but stay in Penang to meet up with another friend for some nice hawker food.

We went for a day trip snorkeling during the weekday and it was cloudy and drizzling whole day while we were there. We were left alone to snorkel around the platform / pontoon area, staff was friendly and helpful enough. Well perhaps we are the only locals on the platform.

However the moment we are in the water I was so disappointed, not because of the water or marine life but by the ethic of the diving/seasports staff ! Breads were thrown into the water to feed the fishes, so that tourist/ snorkelers will go 'huuuu haaa' when the fishes come for the bread ! Feeding animals of any nature is against its natural instinct. Animal is born to live and find food on their own, so do human. We grow to live and find food for ourself, we will not depend on food from our mother and do nothing to find it ourself.

Fishes feed on planktons, algaes and coral to survive, as in human we eat bread, prawn crackers and other edible items deem fit to our sensitive digestive system (stomachs) ! We don't eat what fish eats, nor do fishes feed on our food ! Moreover our act of feeding them will change their instinct as fish, they will not look for food except to feed on the bread !

Most importantly if you see the video, the sharks was fed so near to the tourist that it may mistaken the toe as food and bite on it. By then when things happen, who are to be blame ? The staff who feed the shark ? the marine park ranger who was standing there overlooking the whole feeding process or the ignorant tourist from Russia, Korea, England etc .... 

Everyone has a responsibility to protect the environment and animals that share our 'home'. The platform operator as a profit organization should know very well about responsible and sustainability tourism. If they do not held responsibility to their own business environment they will not be able to sustain for future income.

And as the local authority from the government, Marine Park should make a responsible stand and code of ethics to prohibit feeding of shark or any kind of fish ! Instead they only prohibit fishing in the marine park area :(

Last but not lease, my friend's explanation to her son when asked why we should not feed the shark  "if we continue to feed these sharks/fishes they will not grow, they will depend on our food to feed them. Just like you, when you grow older you do not get food from mummy as like when you are baby, mummy spoon feed you'

It is most important that we do not break the most harmonious symbiosis, be it marine or land, that God had created for us. Please DO NOT break the cycle of LIFE !

Bless his soul .. the 9's again

Yesterday I received a call from my ex staff informing me that another ex staff of mine had passed away. I was thinking of one Instructor that had work with me and he is someone whom I don't quite like his character, he's about 45 - 48 years old. But to my surprise it was not him, its another one who had the same name but much younger. At 29 years due to heart complication and block vein that affects his limb needed to be amputated but his refusal to amputate his leg makes the condition worsen. 

Again another one which is younger with a heart complication and again the corner 9, a Chinese believe. The corner luck of the 9's. As I recall and remember him, he was a very hardworking young man who is very enterprising. But to this tragic end from his journey, it had really taken me aback. My mind kept wondering off and thinking about this loss. He is so young ! He is a hard working boy, I say boy as he is my staff 7 yrs back when he first starts working. Fresh but not slow, fast learner and hard working. Having 2 jobs, day and night, he is so focus in earning more money to support his family and his dream ! My deepest sympathy to his family members.

I certainly hope that his soul will be bless and that he did live his life instead of passing it. His leaving had me in deep thoughts again, what had I miss, what had I hold back on doing ? I could be leaving this journey the next hour, the next day. I wanted to do quite a lot of things. But one of the most important thing now is to care for my heart, the core of my being. I had wanted to do something but due to certain other factors I just can't act according to my feelings, I have to act to my senses and not nonsense that is. I certainly hope that I can act sensibly and make it happens. Then again life is not as such easy as it looks like. I certainly hope that life is that simple and easy. I really want to live it ! 

Have you live it this far ? I would say I have no regrets so far with life's ups and downs, all the lessons am still learning and attending classes everyday.  I did evolved as I aged, I used to be a fearless person when comes to action and decisions however age does make a difference now,  I have learn or put it that I am learning to be in control of my feelings and not to rush into anything. I need to think of the consequences of my behavior rather then what I am feeling alone.

Then again, I hope their souls are bless !

Did he live life or just pass through it ?

I met up with a long time friend, ex-colleague over lunch recently. We were talking casually when she says that she is busy sorting out some legal proceedings and looking for a new computer guy to service her since her brother passed away. I was shock to hear that her brother had a heart blockage at the age of 39 and the doctors says the blockage is could not be the main reason that kills him as it was only 50% blocked. Other older people who have their artery blocked 60% or 70% still survive a heart attack !

The doctor say it was due to his tension and stress that could have kill him when this mild heart attack came. At the age of 39, some old Chinese believes that the 9's are the danger zone as that is the end of the decade and all our lucks/fortunes will turn around ! and most people would avoid lotsa of risky investments/situations etc etc. So she was telling me that her brother could be one of those. But let me tell you, she is not Chinese, she is an Indian married to a Chinese (Christian). Anyway believes are believes and there is some theories behind every believes. 

I too am in the 9's corner luck (direct translation). I do notice that when I am at the other 9, 10 years ago, I had change my job / give up my stable career totally and start something fresh. Well to me life is of no regret. I may had chosen the wrong timing to start but its worth it. If I can survive this worst of timing, I will be a true champion ! Not only surviving as I always like to address my situations whenever asked. 

Back to my friend's brother, the way he pass away reminded me of another friend too. Both men are young ad they died without anyone realising it. One passed away in his own apartment and the other in his own room ! One only days after his body was found, one is luckier the next day. My deepest sympathy to both families. They are just too young to finish this journey. They should have go a little further, to live life. I hope they did live life, that they did not pass their life !

Bless their soul !

Aggression or Submission

I was reading a very interesting book that provokes the mind, The Warrior of the Light. I have always like these kind of books that challenges our mind and our thoughts. The New Age !

If you are being thrown with a crisis over and over, one after the other, will you keep charging or you will breakdown and give up ? First you are not happy with your job, you resign, now in the midst of starting your own business with limited paid up, your mum is sick and needs full attentions, you are juggling between here and there to meet ends need. All this, you are being continuously reminded by the bank to settle your card debts, your loans, insurance etc. Your health were also at risk. You hardly can barely to survive, you just got 2 parking summons, your life is now at the rock bottom so to say ... will you still charge on or will you surrender to adversity and run away ? 

Another case, your soul continuously searching for the mate, only to come back each time with a no, a BIG no. You defeat over and again to the nasty rejection of love. You think thats it, this is the one BUT it turns out not meant to be ! Your whole world collapse, will you still be aggressive and keep going or you submit to the defeat and never to go for it again ? Once beaten twice shy. You would rather be alone then being rejected again. Will you still aggressively go on searching or you submit to fate ?

Its funny how each of us will react to each scenarios and experiences. Some are ever optimistic or put it that their fear of showing compassion in the public, their refuse to give up by showing that they are strong when they are not. Again there are those pessimist who are weak and will blame fate of our temporary set backs in life.

However I must or I come to realize one very important aspect of life, our journey, is that its a curve. Its never a smooth line in the chart of our life. The curve's steepness depends on our fate/faith, how we tackle and handle each steepness when we climb or fall will be the factor that is to determine the next curve's steepness. Every lesson/crisis/obstacle thrown to us everyday, every minute is meant to polish us for the next class/lesson. I also read somewhere that, every failure comes with it 2 victories ! so let us all those who have failed, prepare for ALL the victories that is coming your way now. 

Part of Life is about preparing ourself for the next ... what we learn today helps determine our next course. So whatever the situation is never submit to it ... keep the fire burning, keep it going ! Only those who failed greatly will succeed greatly in life.

Komodo Diving .. a dream come true !

                                   Ooi, Teh, Dolphin our Dive Monster, Irene and me 

                                                     posing infront of the boat, Sunset

Komodo dragon in Rinca National Park; note that this is a 

World UNESCO site and there are only 2700+ of dragons 

in the whole world. 

the whole group 

Ooi, Dolphin, Phileo, Saiman, Teh, Toru (partly hidden)

Irene, me, Kaneda and Tex in front.

Labuan Bajo the harbour of West Flores, the nearest airport to Komodo.

I just came back from this mystical place in the West Flores of Indonesia. This is the UNESCO World heritage site of the Komodo dragons. We can see them in 2 islands, Rinca or Komodo Island. I was staying in Bintang Flores Hotel the only star category hotel in the whole of Flores and trust me its really nice and comfy after a whole day full of activities. You certainly want to have a nice warm bed and a good hot shower with some nice food choices in the town of Labuan Bajo. OR I just opt to stay at the hotel for a nice and relax dinner. Well sometimes this is what we call adventure with a little comfort in a remote destination.

I have written earlier about this place that I have dreamt of going for a long time now. It's now over and no disappointments. A dream comes true without me working directly, consciously towards it BUT it happens ! The diving was fantastic and of course what's more important is also the company of other divers that makes the trip complete. Our experience with each other and during the dives, all the jokes and tales of missing divers in currents to new divers trying to compare airs with the more experience to the many jokes of having the best pose !

I must say one more time, though I have said it numerous times during my trip, I am blessed. I thank the universe for giving me this opportunity and realising one of my many dreams. I know more dreams of mine are on the way, I have a hunch about it. Anyway, this Komodo trip I would like to share some nice pics here. though this may not be the best group I have ever had, BUT its a FUN group though none are below 30s.

I am certainly hoping that I will be able to keep the faith and continue dreaming, for without dreams we are no where, we are just drifting in the big wide ocean without any directions. In our life, the journey of lessons and learning, we are being thrown numerous failures and successes however most importantly I believe in continuing the journey irregardless of  "Is this worth it ?" I use to ask myself this question but I have changed. Nothing is worth or not worth, 

we will only knows it when we arrive at the destination. SO before the destination, JUST KEEP GOING !

Subconscious mind II

I was talking about subconscious mind earlier, about my going to Komodo Island. Well again you can call it the universe is conspiring to make things happen for me just when I leave it to the universe to do so. I have always wanted an underwater camera. But have not the chance or financial stability to do so. I guess by now I have started to push myself too hard or pulling the rubber band too tight. I am allowing things to evolve one by one. I had done sooo much things and wanted soo much things to work out the way I WANT it to be. But there are times, many times that we cannot force it to happen.

I am not saying I give up, I am still doing it, Keeping myself moving I did not OR will not stop doing what I am doing. Never, but I come to learn about worrying less of the outcome rather enjoy the process and let is evolve and unveil the results. I take every outcome in peace and accepts every failures that is bestow upon me. Again I will come back but in other ways that I will get back what is belong to me. I will not give up, I will come back.

My subconscious mind had been working hard on this part to keep me moving. Keep me going, I always believe that what happens NOW is what I have ask for earlier, much earlier on. The will is strong and the message of wanting is also strong. I still remember a friend once says, that million dollar is not here yet may be because now you are not ready for it ! It will be here for you when you are ready. I agree totally with him. We are preparing ourself for the next chapter, for what is to come next. 

Its making me feeling more and more spiritual when I realize what is happening around me. This is awakening to me and its really feeling nice. Believing, having faith and keeping hope ! 

Are you experiencing the same as me ? Have you encounter such ? Without your efforts in working for that thing to happens, it just happens !

Lesson on love

A lesson of love from a child …

I read an email from a friend about love from the child’s point of view. Some of it makes me laugh at their innocent, some makes me stop and think but one particular one makes me eyes teary.

‘An old neighbor just lost his companion and he was sitting on his porch crying, the lil boy climb over the fence and sit on his lap. And when he returns home mum ask him what did he say to the old man. I did not, I only help him to cry.’

Sometimes words are not needed, by just being there our action speaks louder then anything. Our presence is the best love that can be.

A lot of times we thought by having beautiful words we can help to make the situation better BUT most the times all we need to do is just by being there !

This also reflects the purity and honesty of the child we once are. Before we are being tainted by the moving world, before we are being influence by the community that we live in. I notice that life’s journey is all about returning to where we are, where we once starts from. The ultimate destination is back to where we come from; the origin of where we are once ... pure and honest, no pollution of what so ever form the world outside. As we grow we are being thought to protect our selves, learn ways to treat people (good or bad). As we grow we become more and more tainted as more and more acids being thrown into our mind when we are being challenge.

Somehow when we grow older and realize that we have reach our 'peak', the universe will tells us that we are tainted and it's time we start our journey of discovery back to where we come from. And by this return journey we have completed our duty of learning and picking up lessons along the way. For those who have not learn the lessons, then the next life is waiting ... for your return to continue learning. I totally believe in re-birth and karma, what goes around comes around. This is the way of life and the way universe do things.

What is your lesson in love ? 

Subconscious Mind

Our subconscious mind whether you believe it exist or not, is there ! It occasionally, often happens to me that when I did something, I told myself ‘ Hey wasn’t this I wanted to do sometime back when I was younger’. A LOT of times .. this kinda comments come right into my mind. And I always brush it off/ away, until I read this book call ‘The Power of Your Subconscious Mind’. It is so true that our mind so ever powerful that what we wanted is planted in a corner of our brain and that it is constantly working for us without our knowledge. I am realizing that things are happening to me. Things that I have had once thought of going or doing either when I was a girl or some random thoughts that had some significance to me, its beginning to come true one by one. And our mind is really that powerful. I am sure most of you would have read about the power of the ‘The Secret’. What is written in that book is also correct, what is wants is attracted to us by our thoughts. A man (here I refer to mankind, and not being gender biased) is what he thinks.

Our mind are so powerful that when we are is the right frequency it can be so deadly. Our focus is total into making it being, making it real, making comes true. When we are in the right mind, no obstacle is able to stop us. When one is determine to win over, the mind will signal out will to keep going. When we are thinking of achieving, our mind has only achievement to think of.

Our mind, always work on what we have think either consciously or sub consciously without our realising that we are signaling out to the universe. And some of you may not realize that its happening. But the experience accumulates, you will realize what I have encounter before ‘ hey this . isn’t this is what I wanted to do when I was younger ? ‘ Trust me, you can say its spiritual but its true. Your mind is that powerful !

Have you ever had that experience before ? This thing that you are doing, is something that you wanted to do sometime back and you are doing it NOW ! I had, I wanted to visit Komodo Island when I read through a magazine introducing Flores Islands in Indonesia and I told myself how nice if I can visit these islands. And now I think after may be 15 years, I am going to Komodo Island in 2 weeks time. Also I have come across Christmas Island, almost the same time, AND guess what if all things goes well, I will be in Christmas Island in one and half month’s time.

IS this the power of the sub conscious mind ? 

Repeated lessons

A lot of times we are being thrown lesson repeatedly. I was being tested repeatedly on patience and perseverance. Everyday in my life, there are decisions that I need to make to go ahead now or to just wait a little longer. On a lot of occasion I follow intuitions but a lot of other cases I follow my heart, then again one or two times I allow my radical mind rule.

Most the times when it comes to being radical and logic in my daily work, I can  perfectly identify and decide without procrastinating as mine is the left brain who are excellent with analyzing situations. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I can hardly decide and most the times I rushes in on things. May be this is what we call follows one’s heart. By following our heart, does not mean that we should do as we like. There’s always this debate in me. To follow my heart but not to hurt those I love will be ideal. If by following my heart I hurt my love one in the process, its not so ideal. Then there is this question, I need to take care of my feelings before anything else (confusing isn’t it ?)

In the previous chapters of my life, I have made numerous decisions base on logic as well as following my heart. Then again though some are right and some are not, I have never regretted any. Those are the right here and then as It may not be now when I look back. This is MY lesson in patience, to wait a little longer as I should not hurry life, noting is so life saving urgency.

Perhaps the many crisis’s and obstacles I have gone through provides me the platform to see things from a different perspective now. Not only we should see things from a different angle but on different level as well. The wise saying ‘ only fools rush in’ could be right after all. Then again, sometimes we need to grab that chance that may not come a second time.

Life is really so ever complicated and confusing when it comes to lesson at least to me, just when to take that chance of a lifetime or wait a little longer 

who are you ? who am I ?

I was reading this article about McCain asking ' Who is Obama ?' 

Well precisely, who are WE ? Who are YOU ? who am I ? Have we ask this question before ? I guess we ask it everyday, who is so and so; he is so good looking, he is so rich, she is so beautiful, she is so smart. But have we truly ask who that person 'is' ? 

A lot of times we allow people to see who we are from the skin but carefully covering our other side, protecting our true self and our true feelings, from what ? from fear, from the potential of being hurt ? From being tag as a softy when we should be a toughie, our elders teach us to be tough in facing the world. But they always forget that by ignoring the true self we are denying ourself, who we are. When we deny our true feelings and face the world, we are not living.

I recently read Osho's comments about selfishness. We are thought to be unselfish when we are young, to be kind and giving. But it is true what Osho says about selfishness, FIRST we must think of ourself so that we know how it is to give, and to be kind to others. If we do not know how to care for ourself how do know to care for others ? Most often people only think about being unselfish as in order to give, but do we know what we want ? Or do we actually learn who we are ? before we start giving out wrongly.

I have been through some changes in my life for the past few years. I am sure everyone did, its a phase in life that everyone is thrown lesson about life. I think only about the other side/party instead of what I want, who I am. Which is not right, which does not address the core of being, indeed it ended that I creates more resentments in me. One must understand oneself in order to give, and not to give blindly. To know ourself and seek what is best for ourself IS NOT being selfish. It is essential to know who we are so that we know how to deal with others, it is important that we must know / love ourself in order to spread love. If we are not sure who we are, then how are we going to spread the message to others ? Everything comes from one CORE, the center of YOU ...  not your navel .. but your HEART !

who are you ?

A mix mind.. loss, cheating and compassion

I am again looking for a topic to write. Actually a few came up as I idle along the path, too many things in mind…  all mix up ! have no direction, have no focus, can’t concentrate. It’s floating, its drifting. So I  just go along as it comes, being in a state of confusion. Some wise man says “ Confusion is a wonderful state before clarity “ I say just let it be, no forcing of what comes next. The universe will let it unfold when the time is right. All we need is just prepare our self to the ecstasy that comes.

I did thought about talking on loss, a TV clip about Sichuan survivor makes my heart ache when I saw this old lady survive the quake with all her relative, children, may be grandchildren loss in this heart wrenching disaster. Living old age without any close one by your side, the trauma of surviving .. I am thinking what is she feeling now ?

And the other topic I want to talk about is con / cheat …. I am wondering when these conman carry out their act do they have in mind that what goes around comes around, or they are totally blinded by what happens next that they care only what happens NOW ! The victim lose only money BUT they are truth to themselves, oh no the ‘victim’ I should say is the perpetrator whom had loss their ‘self’ when they carry out their act. They lose their identity and dignity !

It took me a few days to come up with this post, I was having a struggle in me trying to absorb so many feelings and thoughts all at once. Ever since started this blog I became aware of my surroundings and hence I am absorbing everything good and bad. It is soooo hard to digest everything all at the same time. Guess this is part of the urban disease that we try to be everywhere doing everything and very so often forgetting to be just HERE ! Right at the moment digest and absorb what is NOW ! We hurry with life, hurry with conclusion to things happening around us, hurry with traffic, hurry with everything that’s going on !

And when all these happens, I was reading this book by Osho about compassion, hence I quote ‘When passion becomes alert and aware, the whole energy of love comes a refinement, it becomes compassion’ Compassion is love comes of age. 

Darkest period.. rock bottom ?

In every one of our lives, we will go through ups and downs, a roller coaster ride, the yo yo effects, the cycle of life; however mean you wish to call the journey. In this journey at some moment, we will go on sabbatical, silent retreat to enlighten their spiritual and find the other meaning of life that we thought we are living in until things start to fall apart or fall out. Its when we believe so much in but never turn out the way we want it to be, our believe and faith shaken, our vision turns a little blurring. This is when we lose our focus and caught off guard, rolling down hill.

I too was there before, the period on silent retreat was the lowest in one's life. The universe continuously run tests on your will power, on your inner strength, on your perseverance and patience in carrying on. One must always tell ourself that its always too soon to quit, we must carry on the journey even though the path is of muddy and full of rocks when we are walking on bare feet. Soon it will be over. And one will know it when it is over, the universe will gives you hint that the climb is in front and its once again to put our concentration on the wheel and steer our way to the top. 

The rock bottom is for us to hit so that when we rise, we know how it is to be once down there. In order to know how sweetness taste, we must first know what sour means. In order to know how it feels to be love, we must first learn how to love ! There is always a true cycle on effects, the cause of effects. How do you know sadness if you have not been to happiness ? How do we know this sweet if there is no sour ? Vice versa ... this is what I believe in, the Karma. There is always this saying what goes around comes around. As in life, we will also goes through ALL the ups and downs the universe is charting for us, it doesn't matter that we start early or late it will be lessons and courses along the way. We will have our times in our lives, be it the peak or the valley ! We may hit the peak at 20 and drop to the valley by 30, or we may only hit the peak at 50 and lead a suffering life when we are 60. The curve is there, it is out karma that will determine the sharpness of the turn point.

To hit the rock bottom, everyone once in our lifetime, I believe, will goes through it at least once. If not then life is boring ! It's monotonous, its just too plain smooth to live in. No lessons learn, no new experience to share, no wisdom growth, no compassion learn. Dull !

Only those who have fail greatly will achieved greatly, I do not need to repeat the many times Eisntein, Ford or the many other inventors that had failed the first second or hundreadth times in order to achieve greatly in the history of invention. So does Walt Disney who have gone through bankruptcy to become a legend himself. They know what it is like to fail greatly ! And what the feelings are to achieve greatly too.

A person will treasure the sweet success more for she/he who had been there knows how it feels like !

Where are you now ?

 

Gender Equality

I read from the recent news about a female candidate for USA Republican VP election, a female candidate for Japan's PM. If these two ladies succeeded in becoming the VP and PM, then it is truly time for CHANGE ! Oh no they have changed in certain part of the world before this, Margaret Tatcher, Indira Gandhi, Merkel, etc etc .... 

In every corner of the world people are crying for CHANGE, but how much change is happening ? People still see that women's role is still of minor as compare to men. In this country where I live in, one MP even criticize women 'leaking every month' in comparison to informations leak by a fellow MP. This is such sexist of him being a Member of Parliament, hurling such derogatory words.

I was talking with a fellow industry player about women in business when she was commenting on other business owner bad mouthing behind her by saying that all her businesses comes from making out with her male guests. This is absurd of human when they are unable to match up to skills and business capability, will find blames and reason to criticize another. 

I think it truly is high time for the world to look at women, who are more tolerance and patience. Who are more capable in leading and managing, who are more patience and persevere. Who will not procrastinate and more affirmative in decision making. 

Is Malaysia ready for that ? To have a female Deputy PM ?

Power in transition

Transition of power plan that we are having now at the local front, makes me wonder, is there such a system in any country or association in other parts of the world where democracy is being practice. That the successor is being chosen by the predecessor rather then the members of the party ? Wow..  amazing achievements of a new ruling for new era of CHANGE ??? 

A leader of an association will hand over to the Deputy in a said period irregardless whether the member approve to it or not ! Isn't a president being elected rather then hand over to ??? This really puzzle me and seems like none of the members in the association is voicing any doubts or legibility of this transition. Its funny, and its a slap in the face for us Malaysian who had been independence half a century ago ! 

Anyway, I find it very comical and cartoon to have such a system at work in political party. The next amazing thing that gives me another good laugh is the 41 members (or so, such a big group of MPs traveling together to break fast in a foreign land ???)  agricultural studying trip to Taiwan by the mass non industry related MPs. Very comical and A WASTE of tax payers money !!! Someone be better to check these expenses and justify the purposes. Or did I miss anything that the trip is self sponsor by the MPs themselves ? 

Hmmm I wonder if Bush will also hand over the power to McCain in Nov ? Or Samak to Takshin ? May be Kuan Yew did to Hsien Loong ! So it too can happen with Pak Lah to Najib.

Identity

It was highlighted in the paper recently that a women aged 22 was detained 11 months for failure to show proof of citizenship after she lost her ID card. She was 6 months pregnant then and recently she was release with her infant boy in tow after a nurse take pity on her and report her case to the local Youth group leader who then took up the case and pursue to trace her background and help her seek the overdue release she so much deserve as a citizen of this country !

I am sure there are many such cases happening in every corner of the world. Just that it bothers me, 2 things come into my mind; how could anyone forgot her/his ID no ? And why wouldn't anyone care to find out or investigate who she is ?

I am trying to figure out why did the woman, not bother to even remember her own ID ? Is it that she had more better things to fill her mind with; such as money to buy food, a roof to cover her body and soul, or a husband to take care of her needs. How could she have just gone missing without anyone's knowledge ? Family, friends, relatives ? The past 11 months, she just pass through life and no one ever knew of her existence, her whereabout .. she is just like a ghost or spirit that does not exist at all. No one would care or take notice to look for a missing friend/relative/daughter/sister/ who is 6 months pregnant. 

It is sad that the authority did not even bother to investigate nor care to find out if this person is really a citizen or otherwise. Is the immigration officer so hands full ? Or this is one of the many thousand cases of illegals in the country that is meeting dead end solutions ? This is truly sad that such cases happen, especially more so for the kids who are neither here nor there, without any citizenship if the parents are alien !

Protection ?

I was having my lunch at my favorite local stall one afternoon. There comes a couple, I assume as they are sharing food though they certainly don't look like a couple to me, by the way their body language says. Anyway thats not the point I am going to talk about.

Well I know I shouldn't be eaves dropping but they are sharing the table with me since I am alone. They are talking about this mantra/chakra which a friend accidently put into the washing machine and that whether the chakra still have 'power'. The guy was saying as long as it's laminated and not wet, it should be ok. Just goto a place or temples where there are praying take it out and it should have the power back ?

Do we need this for protections when the most and fiercest thing to fear is HUMAN them self ? What is more fearful when you are sleeping with the enemy ? What is more fearful when you are being betray by the most trusted person ? How do you protect yourself from these ?

When the world is moving into a global crisis ? how do we get ourself protected ? When we are in depression is there any method to protect us ? When our heart are broken is there any chakra to meant a broken heart ?

Protections of such like the amulets of Thailand, catukham can fetch to thousand of dollars, of course I cannot question the power of this religious symbols. Then again, how many people have been cheated to get a false catukham ? Often at times, we are being drawn to protective amulets and mantras to keep the evils away from us. But how many times have we really look into our self that the evil is within us ? Our thoughts, our actions and our feelings ... is it from the purest and most sincere of our core ? Are we being REAL to the external surrounding ? I always believe what goes around comes around, life is after all a huge cycle !

What are you wearing to protect yourself ? I wear my heart with me all the time !

Framily

The last 2 weeks had been lotsa traveling on my side, one after the other on short notices. I tried to sit and write but inspiration are not there as I am trying to be in the moment and try not to be too self centre.

I was away on a short break with a very good friend, we were primary school mate and it has been 32 now. Its kinda like it or not we are stuck with each other kinda relation. This is one of the friends that is for life. And we met with 2 more friends whom also are our primary school mates. Its so amazing that sometimes without realizing it we had been friends this long !

These neither is people that will never crossed my professional path nor will I crossed theirs. We are already someone in our own industry. Each of us had gone through that phase when we struggle in our own field for recognitions and the climb up the ladder.

I certainly felt blessed to have these people around me that will never judge me for who I am or what I am. These are the people that will make you real and allows you to be you.

Then again, this are also the people, either you like it or not, that will be there for life ! You hate them, you like them, you will there with them, you leave them, you come back to them.

They, without any doubt, are your framily !

 

Upholding the rule of law (religion ?)

I do not like to write anything politically influence, however recently reading the news about politician / victims of sodomy swearing on the Holy Quran that they are innocent makes me wonder whether the court will then take that they are really innocent !

Using religion to determine whether a person is wrong or right really takes us back to 'stone age'. Are we not rule by law ? Are we not practicing democracy and all citizens are bind by the court of law ? And innocent until proven guilty ?

It is too absurd, in my humble opinion, that using the religion to determine whether that person's is guilty or not. It has become a trend now that the ruling party is sorting to swearing in the Quran to get away with what they did. Does that prove anything at all in the court ? Well it could in the Syariah court, but we are talking of the court of LAW that is drafted by our Judicial team irregardless of race or religion !

It is very dangerous to mix religion and politic as it will mislead the party followers. We should be moving towards the new era and talking about globalizations rather then keeping ourself in the fight for Malay rights, Chinese, Indian nor Kadazan etc etc. We should be uniting in our fight for Malaysian in the global economy and business ! The world is moving ever faster ahead now, with female Prime Ministers, Chancellor, President taking over and sharing responsibility. With Prime Minister who are of another race ruling the country .. Alberto Fujimori in Fiji, Kevin Rudd who speaks fluent Mandarin, Obama who is black running for Presidency. 

The world is changing and evolving ... let's not get stuck in the Malaysia 50 years ago. Let's get moving in the present ! We have had our independent half a century ago yet we did not move fast enough to catch up on globalization.

Another reason why I felt the need to write is, I was having lunch today eavesdropping on the table behind me. These group of seniors was talking about National Day celebration, that its now less then a week to our National Day and there are NO mood of celebration at all. Unlike last year where lotsa of focus on unity and celebration everywhere. This year the ruling party is tooo focus in their effort of putting one particular person down that they forget about National Day !

This is sad, very sad politic and very desperate move to hang on to power ! However it will be determine today .. the by election in Permatang Pauh !

Feels like home

I was away for a few days without any ‘trace’ … I re-visited the place I used to work in 10 years ago as a Divemaster, the ever beautiful Perhentian Island; so much of sweet and fond memories brings me back through the time tunnels. Meeting up with old friends whom had crossed my path and touch my heart in a very special way. It reminds me how much change the place had gone through as well as the people themselves.

Every corner of the island every step I trace back was full of sentiments and memories. I went through some of the toughest test of physical challenge as well as the mental survival. My days spend in the island are only about fishes and more fishes. Making friends from all over the world as well as absorbing their experiences and making them into mine. Those days are spent only on physical aspects rather then mental.

Upon my departure from the island 10 years ago, I went through a lot of changes in my life and looking back, I have come a long way. I am not the person I am yesterday, I had grown to become wiser in my choices and I have certainly achieved what I have set forth when I first leave the island.

I set a vision of what I want to achieve and I had achieved that, when I came ‘ home’ two days back .. I knew this would not be the last time. I’ll be back again soon, I really miss the place a lot and who knows my 10 year plan of retiring could just be here !

Every human will had a time when we go sabbatical and taking a BIG break from our journey in this world to figure out and find back the pace. Perhentian literally means stopping or half way; this is the place where most fisherman upon return from the sea making a stop before they go back to the shore with their catches. It’s a stopping place. As with me, its also my stopping place to re-connect with my inner soul and to touch base.

Where is your base ? And how often you touch it ?

 

a new life ...

On this date 18.08.08 a new life was added to our family tree, the arrival of beautiful baby boy, my 6th nephew, Kah Seng. Every time I see a new born, a new life comes into this beautiful taking a part in the universe, it always allows me to see that I was once so pure, so innocence, so soft, so white. We are born into zero pollution, nil nothing blank. It is how we the adults, parents will mold them, polish them, teach them, guide them and educate them to be obedient, smart or knowledgeable OR a spoil brats, infidel, dishonest, and lack of respect. 

It is us as adults, as parents who will determine how they will grow up to become. And it is the most important part of a person's life during childhood how they are behaving or what life they are going to lead on in their adulthood.

I am in no position to determine how each of the kids will be mold by their parents, all I hope is every parents will put their kids before them. However most parents nowadays in this every demanding, ever fast moving and ever talking of individualism, adults are putting their own needs ahead of their children ! This is sad, and this is growing fact. 

I have 6 kids now at home ranging from new born to teenagers of 15 years old, however none is mine :( but they are all lovely kids, pure and innocence. I do hope I am always there with them, being a part of their growing up. Sharing every moment of their life with them. To complement their parents duty as the enforcer, me will be the conspirator ;)

Recently I was in discussion with a group of friends talking about pride ! It strikes me instantly that children is the pride of their parents. Now that is if the parents guided their child to the right path and mold them to be a good and righteous human being with integrity otherwise it is their own shame at the same time. 

Are you taking time to talk to your kids using your heart ? or head ? by sharing love or anger ?

Did you teach them to express their feelings and not to let them feel surpress ?

an examined life ?

I was reading at a forum that a friend started. And there was a thread about quotes that she recently added. She also posted a quote from Socrates " The unexamined life is not worth living'. So how many of us really do examine our life and make progressive adjustments to make it better ? 

Will you get your mind and thoughts together to make positive changes on your life when you are face with the many hurdles and test being thrown to you ? Or you just live it, let it pass and let life pass through you as well. I also read about a story of a man in Japan. He died in an empty building, only when the workers went in to clear the building for demolishing that they found his skeletal remains. No one knows who he is, where he comes from, who are his next of kins .. nothing. And the question here is how can anyone live without love from relatives and friends ? How can anyone live without having any 'identity' in this world ? Could he be just a passer by in this life, that he did not live in it ?

I would want to live a life that is full of roller coaster ride rather then just pass it. I welcome all the adversities that the universe throws to me, so that I pick up the lesson and move on to the next 'hell' ride.  I have only this life NOW to live, I will mourn but I will not let it pass. I will be very sad and depress when I am defeated, I will not deny it. I accept it as an encouragement for me to be better the next time around.

If we do not examine our own life, God will not do it for us. God will only award those who have the initiative to examine their own life.

The sea is alive when the wave are high, the sea is alive when the swells are chasing one after another, the sea is alive when the winds stirs up all the excitements ! The sea is Alive !

Mak Nyah, Katoy, Gay ...

I read this article in the paper today which triggers my left brain, its a very interesting topic and a very good question to start with, and I pick this question from the article. A transvestite asking 'Since Islam rejects people like me, may I leave Islam ?' 

Homosexuality either man or woman in any religion is not being accepted. If thats the case, then what religion is left for them who choose to live a life that is truth to their feelings, truth to themselves ? Societies keep derogate them and living them little space to move but into a dead end. Most would choose to swing either to the extreme left or extreme right. Only those who choose to live under the eyes of the world will be accepted, this is saddening.

This article talks about how some transvestite being deny working opportunities and force to the street to make ends meet. In every society, every corner of the world there are lotsa and lotsa such cases happening, not only to the man but as well as to the woman. In some western society which are more tolerance and acceptance of human rights, a person is allow to have domestic equality in partnering. Yet it is still not enough, I watch a movie that touches this ever sensitive issue. When 2 person of the same sex decided to spend their live together till death do us part. Its sooo wonderful isn't it when 2 souls found each other, BUT reality is ever so cruel when one party died. The other party is left with no what so ever rights over the other's properties, belongings,assets etc. Think of it, if you just want to keep that house that both of you had been spending 30 yrs together so that you can live in that memory though without the other's presence. Or you just want to keep that piece of sofa that both of you have been sitting all these year. You CAN'T, no law binds you to it ! And it will be given to the 'legal' next of kin which is not the soul mate. Isn't it sad to be deny such a right ? 

It is saddening that a person's right is deny when it is obvious that he/she is aware of his/her feelings. The bonding of 2 souls is such a wonderful experience that can only happen and to share this journey together, bonding in unison and caring for each other, is the ultimately triumphant destiny !

Why are society in so much of hatred and denial, biases towards same sex relationship when one person chooses to live in true and honesty ? 

one moment ...

This moment, I was looking out at my window and saw that the moon almost full is lighting up the whole sky in the middle of the night and there is always this little star by the side of the moon lady. The outerspace is always ever so mysterious, but we must not also forget that the innerspace offer the same to us curious human.

I can be consider blessed numerous times again, to witness a lot of beautiful moments that nature and universe provides. One of my memorable moments is while driving up with one of my good friend, ‘matahari’ to the East Coast of Merang, it was just before midnight and I was on the wheels. We were on the old road before the highway was built, passing ‘kampungs’ and trunk road. Suddenly right infont of us … the moon is rising as if from the center of the road !! both our jaws drop … such a beautiful sight. The moon is full and bright yellowish .. with the kampungs on our left and right it adds to that MOMENT ! I slow down the speed to admire the MOMENT.

Then there is this one more moment that I will always remember .. in the island of Perhentian .. in less then 5 minutes the sky changed from bright to dark and darkness brings winds and wave, follow by storm from the horizons ! I was sitting in the restaurant of Sunset Bay Resort in Perhentian Kecil. The storm comes form the horizon .. it was another sight to behold ! Such power and rush of adrenalin .. winds blowing into my face and the sky is all dark !

And one of my best moment yet is when I was immerse in the innerspace, just me and  the seahorse, she too was looking at me as if we are trying to communicate to each other … it was total calmness and peaceful. No wonder I am so in love with the sea  getting connected to the creatures that lives in it and also loving it.

Well I can go on and on with so many moments that I have had with the universe, being in sync with and it never fails to let me see how beautiful it is ! I wake up everyday longing for more moments in my life and thanking that I am still able to share it with you and perhaps the mate that the soul had been searching for.

What is your moment with the universe ? How had it inspire you spiritually ?

Ambition and Destiny ?

Have you every think of your destiny ? I remember when I was young, this primary school teacher asks the whole class  about our ambition and then what is our destiny ? I know what I want to be but I don't know where my destiny is ! Then again I end up doing something that is totally out of my ambitious line, I wanted to be law enforcer; but as I grow I find that its not as what we see it to be and there are so much of imbalance in our local system. To start off with to get into the academy, there is a quota system from each race and once the quote is over for your race, you will have to wait for the next intake. I was like WHAT ? I never know such thing about race quota system. So forget about it I am not going to fight over this ridiculous quota. And I was in the merry go round as with all other teenagers just left school and not knowing where their passion is, hopping from one course to the other. Until I finally found deep passion in my current job. 

But then when my teacher talk about destiny, I really had no idea where I'll end up. As we walk in this path of life, we pick up dreams and drop off some emotions. Then we pick up again and drop off again, to finally reach our destination well polished and well trained. I am now walking, keep walking towards a blurry destiny which I think I can only see shadows of my destiny. Then again I know the direction and the course so I am not lost, yet ! I hope to be able to finish the journey where it is meant to be and having the universe guiding me, with patience and perseverance allowing me to learn the lesson one step at a time on the road to my destiny !

The price of winning !

I was attending Nikki's (he is my so call favorite boy, Godson; my good friend's son; a brilliant and smart boy) sports day this afternoon. We were there to give him moral support, wearing GREEN, to compensate/replace Joe's place, me, Sarah and her niece, with Nikki's uncle Calvin, my biz partner. Its at an indoor stadium in Titiwangsa Lake, a place that is close to heart. I basically grow up there; outdoor sports, jogging and tennis. It certainly have changed alot, and better building though still the same courts :( poorly maintain.

Anyway the idea is not that, I wanted to talk about 2 things that bring close to my heart. The first, Joe was away in Singapore to attend a wedding (biz ? I think so). If Joe were here today he would see how great his boy is and would be there to give him ALL the support he needs. Nikki was sitting there waiting for his turn, but every now and then he would steal a glance at our direction seeking support and attention. So every time he looks, I will give me a high five on air or an OK sign or a BIG smile :).  These are the attention kids wants from adults during their growing stage. This very often, parent or parents fail to see it. Perhaps maybe I am the 3 rd party and will be able to see it more clearly from a different angle. But then again, this is also the biggest mistake some parents make, when they thought they have given their kids all their attention, some thought by providing materially is more then enough rather then physically or mentally. We adults always, always fail to see it from the kids perspecive. I  have 5 kids at home, 2 nephews and 3 nieces ranges from 2 - 15 yrs of age. They all have a separate mind of their own and different needs too. Very unique and very lovely kids. OK back to the sports day, at the end of the kid's games, the father n son game came in. Nikki wanted to play BUT who is he looking at ? Uncle Calvin of course ! But Uncle Calvin thought no I am not his father. But when I see Nikki taking up his hand basically begging to Uncle Calvin, both our hearts melt. Uncle Calvin goes to Nikki. His face lit up with joy .. YEAH ! 

Now the other thing I want to talk about is this particular Dad, it was a game for father and son, father and daughter ! So girl girl with daddy tie up. And when I was shooting Nikki and Uncle Calvin, I suddenly saw the little girl's SCARY face ! She was almost flying in the air ... the daddy is practically lifting her with one hand running all the way to grab the sand bag (try imagine your daddy's step and your step who would be the faster or bigger ?)  SHE.. obviously can't fly and landed on the floor .. sprawl ! She was crying and when I look at the daddy' face ... all I can see is determination to WIN ! The girl was crying and SHOCK ! but well of course the team won ..the RED team won the game. Well that is the price of winning at any expense ?

Congratulation ..  a win I would rather pass for the spirit of sportsmanship, this is not what I am being taught in school nor at the University of Life. I would pass without a second thought ! 

What is your price of winning ?

08.08.08

Is there any significant to this numbers ? Every corner of the world today, especially the Chinese is doing something to mark this date in their life ! But do we need this as an excuse to do something special to our loved one ? Professing our love, marriage registration, doing something something .. well it is really a good gimmick for doing something BUT .. do we really need to have a certain date to do so ? 

Everyday is a good to shower our loved one with all the love we gather in us. Well for the Chinese who believe in the luck of the feng shui, some may not be able to enjoy the good omen of  08.08.08, your born sign or your date of birth may not be in line with this nos 08.08.08. It may clash, who knows. 

Every corner today I hear people talking about 888 .. especially at this time of the economy situation the more auspicious these nos are the better. Its a hope for better luck to come, but if we don't proactively works towards in getting more sales, how would the sales comes to you ?

So let me ask you what did you do on 07.07.07 or 06.06.06 does this date have something significant that happen to you ? Well this year perhaps will goes down the history and be remember as it is the Beijing Olympic. Otherwise, I think I will not be having any significant memory to last in my life.

So what about yours ? 

Just when you think you are alone

Just when you think you are alone out there, shouldering all the pain and sorrows that had just bestow upon you by the universe in testing your patience and perseverance, YOU are not. You are never alone, there are many people out there who share the same feelings as you, or may be worse then you are. I was 'mourning' and my feelings are very low and moody, I saw a friend go online and since we have not chatted for a long time so I buzz her. She was a bit reluctant to share in the beginning but as we chat more, we both started to open up to each other. And hey, we then realize we are NOT alone ! So we comforted each other and encourages each other which I think is unique and amazing; judging from our age differences, our culture differences and our time differences ! She is half a globe away from me almost half my age :) and yet we can relate, I find it so amazing that we can share similarity in our feelings and our thoughts because we are human ! and we are all the same irregardless of age, race or gender.

And every so often when we are in trouble or facing problem we almost instantly and quickly go for plan B. Quick quick move away, what is the fastest way to get out of this situation and move on ! Don't stay .. get on ! move it ! But we always forget to let things sink before we stir it up again. WE have never let our feelings sink in and let it recover before we move on. We hop from one to another almost instantly ! Well I am talking about our feelings, just when we think we are hit we make all sorts of plan to get out as fast as possible, we are wrong. Or even immerse ourself in other things to runaway from it, is also not the best way either. 

We should face it, let is sink, let the feelings sink in and address the pain. Yes, it is painful, agree to it, accept it. Yes, we are in sorrow and mourning, admit it, let the heart mourn ! Do not deny the loss. 

It is when we have gone through these phases that will we have truly feel and live ! Only when we come out of it will we know the sweetness of victory and triumphant over the loss and rise above it !

Jiwa Kita Kosong

This phrase struck me just when I was doing some deep thinking just now. “ Our life is empty” literally translated from Malay. The story goes way back, I think may be 5 years ago, when I was traveling frequently between Bangkok and KL for business. I will normally take the limousine back from KLIA and the driver will always try to strike some conversations. But this particular driver, whom had actually notice me taking their limo service a few times, try his luck and struck a conversation as to not get sleepy while driving I guess or just wanted to be friendly. He keeps asking me questions, some personal one too. Anyway, and obviously being a guy he would be interested with my frequent traveling whether I have a husband or not. I say no, I am single and jokingly say no one wants me. Of course he tries to make it more lightheartedly that I am choosy with my capability I can choose anyone I want. But he did gave me a sentence that until today, still strikes me to the core !!! He was telling me he is married with kids and how his kids are. And he ends it with, I am not rich I barely survive with this job and the irregularity of working hours. But my life is whole and full that I  am a very happy man ! He then tells me to take care of my heart, if I do not then ‘Jiwa Kita Kosong’ my life will be empty; when I return home, I am alone ! what does materials success mean to me when my inner self is not whole and complete. What is a battle won without having someone to share your success ? It strikes very hard !

My life couldn’t be any fuller with new commitments in work, new experiences and blessed with so many good friends and family around, however it is still seeking to make it whole !

some moments ...

I have no idea what to write, so I would like to share some moments with you ....

The water lily is ever so pure ...

Candle lights give us hope and faith ....

The brutal mass killing of human as if they are worst then animals ....

The serene and majestic tea plantation in the early morning ....

The framily and extended members .... 

The Present

Every so often I find myself living in the past. the past give me too much of memories that are good and bad. Most people joining me in this journey, always reminiscing the past rather then living in the present. Making the biggest mistake in living that we do not put our focus in the present. By living in the past, we neglect our loved ones and not seeing the chance in the present.

I am definitely one of them, every so often I think of the past and very reluctant to let it pass. Then again the past allows us to see who we are today and which area we should improve ourself in. I have seen around me that many people are bitter and every so reluctant to leave the past. Leaving the past and moving to the present provides uncertainty, people are afraid to move on. Still hanging in there for that little hope that things will come our way if we hang in there a little longer.

But by living in the present, we move beyond the past which will brings us a better situation by living in the now ! Living in the present, we deal with the now and by using our lesson learn from the pass we make it a better now. And by living in the present we plan for our future !

How amazing life is providing us with, so many periodic phases, the past, the present and the future ! We cannot be living in the future as we never knows where from here will leads to next ! Every minute every day changes ahead of us. There are so many possibilities that we can never predicts.

So for me, I decided that from now on I must live in the present, always keep reminding myself there are things to deal with in the present and .. hey wake UP ! its now !

The End ? Dead End ?

I was trying to find a topic to write again when I chat with this new young friend whom I met at a forum. A little story sharing, she was quite upset and worry about her studies, applications to university and college and everything seems stuck dead end ! So I told her to take it easy, leave the things a while and let it unfold by itself. Just let it be if you have no control over it. No I am not encouraging you to not take actions but when you seems to have done all that you can do and that the result is not what you want it to be, then just leave it for a moment and who knows it will unfold by itself. If then still nothing, we will then consider the alternative. She did and few days later she had all the luck on her side. One year scholarship and everything settle in less then a week. She’s all ready for the new school NOW.

It is amazing when I think back, that just when we know we are at the end of the road and knowing that we have no left or right to turn to. It’s the end, full stop. All our efforts gone into waste, God is not answering our prayer, we are doom, finish, done !

BUT every so often, just when we are to give up on EVERYTHING, that we have put so much of our efforts into making it possible and thinking that that’s it. Realize it or not, we are almost always being thrown a new light ! Suddenly God answer our prayers, Universe is creating miracles ! We saw there’s a small path hidden behind the wall and a light shines through it !!!

This is not what people say the secret or law of whatever ever … it is PERSEVERANCE and PATIENCE ! The universe or God is ever testing our will power and ability to persevere under ALL extreme circumstances. It is our journey in this universe to be tested over and again so that when we are finally given the sweetness of success we will know how to value and treasure it more then it is just being given to us without any effort spend on it ! Only those who have been through the darkest and dead-end will treasure and value what brightness and . Only those who been to the rock bottoms will treasure and value limits the skies … unlimited !

Then again the question I always ask is, what is OUR limit ? How deep or how long can we allow ourselves goes ? What is our patience and perseverance limit ? Only our hearts know … where we stand !

PRIORITY

I was reading this blog of a new friend whom I have met not too long ago yet I felt close to her and share some of her deep and profound thoughts. She has gone through the darkest of emotions and survive to tell me a very touching experience. Only those who have been there will know how it feels like when they come out of it, rise above the occasion ! 

She had this line borrow somewhere, and it does makes me think for a few minutes too (as it did to her) " Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs. " I do not agree with this tag line. Love is always better then hate. Love knows no boundaries. Though the other person takes me as an option, I will only have fate to blame but I have no regrets on my side. I have live my  love life to the fullest, what is more happier to see that person I love, happy and smiling all the time ? What makes your heart smile ? To love a person unconditionally is the hardest to do and the easiest to say. In a relationship, one will love more then the other , and I always agree that its never equal.. but it could go as near as 45 - 55 but never 50-50. 

Putting that person in your top priority list is not a wrong thing to do,  this will makes you who you are and what your heart feels. It is by giving our all out that our heart will be whole, its only when we fear that we protect our heart and not give fully. It is by loving this way that we did not resent and give our all.

If we put our love as an option then what is love ? That love is an option ? That we are not suppose to love fully ? Love should not have boundaries, no limitations. Love to me should be great and full ! Love should make us whole and not have any restriction. we should go ALL out to love who we seek to give our heart to. Loving this way, putting that person in priority, will make us whole when we know that the first time we see this person it has already make us full !

Express yourself

I was reading Asohan's article in the Sunday Star today, what captures my attention is at the end of his article he wrote " .. pierce your navel and gaze at it, get an earring or a tattoo (assuming you aren’t under-aged, that is), express yourself." 

Now expressing ourself .. in this society where we are living in ? hmmm I have a little doubt. We are, and its sad to admit that however somewhere in any corner of any where in Malaysia or Asia as a whole, being watch ! Constantly living in the eyes of the world. Then again, I do agree that this is what makes us, who we are by expressing ourself freely. We should be living lives that we choose to live and not be bother will be watching us. Because by then we are NOT living, we are just passing this life to another life that is approved by the world ! freedom of speech and freedom to choose our own path; as long as we did no harm to anyone along the way, we are living ! 

Expressing ourself .. there are a few topics that would be sensitive that I come across in the news today. Transvestites, cross dressing are they expressing themselves ? Put aside religion for this matter, if this guy is wanting to be a woman and brave enough to come out, does he have the freedom to do so ? And who are we to judge him ? Why is he not allow to do so ? Did he commit any crime in being who he wants to be ? 

Then again, may be it should be express yourself under the approved eyes of the world ! 

WHO ?

The recent case of a Qantas flight bound for Melbourne has an amazing escape from crashing with 300+ passengers and crew onboard. I was trying to visualize what happens if I am onboard that lucky flight. THAT moment in my life, when I am almost nearing death, when the plane MAY crash and not land safely, who is in my mind at that moment ? What I want to tell him/her ? 

Most the time only when we know that we are NOT going to live through the next hour, that the natural instinct will come and we want to pour out what's deeply rooted in our heart. That feelings of which our heart had delayed in getting it out to our loved. Taking it for granted and delaying the message until the last minute.

How often do we get that chance to walk out alive in such a situation and get to live to tell our loved one ? Very slim chances. But still many would have just take it for granted that we will leave it till tomorrow. I think I am one of those who delay and take things for granted. Am I ? I guess so.  

Now should I really want to put myself .. at that very moment. I have 2 person in mind. To tell my mum that I love her and thank you for being there for me ALL the times, though sometimes silently being there and not asking whether what I do is right or wrong, but by just being there ! The second person, would be my soul mate... my future soul mate ;p That I am sorry I did not live longer than you, and have to you weep over my dead, that I no longer can take care of you, that I no longer can make you that first cuppa coffee in the morning. I love you very much !