beginning or ending

so many times I have shared with my friends about the end and beginning. I can never deal with ending well but I love beginnings, it always gives me something to look forward to. We can never be separated from these two, as it is always... the end is just another beginning ! The Yin must have the Yang, black with white, they are to complement each other.

Some friends always say I am so optimistic about things; I am not, I am also very afraid of ending, but most the time I ignore the ending so that I can look forward to the beginning. This will be my last post of the decade. I still remember when the century ends I was in Lombok with Brigitta, then I was alone looking into the horizon waiting for the beautiful sun to set on the beach looking in Bali's Mt Agung. That was one of the most beautiful moment I have had, alone ! Then I was only journaling in my "blue book" (blog ? what is blog then ? I was just being introduce to emails.. hahaha) which I still keeps the habit of writing. The 'blue book' gathers some of the most private of my thoughts, the most heart wrenching of all thoughts; may be one day when it is right I will share it.

I always hurry to end because I am afraid to face the moment it ends. This time I am slowing down totally to let it comes. Exercising the patience I am still learning to master. A lot of times during year ends we make resolutions and wishes. But how often do we really execute our resolutions ? Resolutions will always remain resolutions. I prefer to look at the beginning and works toward the end. But I do wish, because in wishes I just let the universe helps me to make my actions real !

It really shock me that '09 draws the end of another decade. Not the past one year, but the past 10 years; well the past 10 years had been a decade of excitements, personally and professionally. My spiritual journey begins then and now I am more awaken about who I am. I hope the next decade will marks the maturity of my spiritual well being together with my soul. I hope when the next decade ends, I am already home and enjoying the warm and coziness of being at home.

see you next decade .. carpe diem !

** just as I off my reading lights 5 mins ago, I was attracted by this little ray of light on the floor and I know it comes from the window, so I thought its some neighbors light. But to my surprise it's the moonlight ! ! yesterday was full moon ... the last time I saw sucha bright moon in the middle of the night is I remember when I was in Perhentian island, I was not feeling well I woke up and went to the washroom and upon return to my bed, and as usual I always let a window or the door balcony door opens to allow me to see the sea ... I saw the most beautiful setting moon in the horizon .. the sea ! it's so mystical that I just sat there for like 10 mins admiring the moment before I went back to bed (cause I remember that time I was having food poisoning weak stomach) **

and now ...

after looking back at what had happened in 2009, what is for now ? What is next ? You tell me.

Sometimes I don't know whether you feel it or not, you just go go go and go. You are so focus and all you see is the destination. But when you are there, you suddenly touch it... and you collapse ! You are all worn out. It had consumed up all your energies and might.

This is what happens towards the end of the day. It is happening to me now. The past 2 years I see nothing but the destination, I hear but I did not listen. I see but I did not feel. Only now I allow myself to stop and rest; and evaluate, to check and balance up my life. To see whether I have gone off the track, to check the condition of my soul and body .. this is time for 'maintenance' work. Just to keep the 'engine' working and not needing for major overhaul.

No hurrying anywhere, no rushing .. this is part of the process to be. To evaluate and to take a rest ... let the body and mind ample rest for the battle ahead. If I hush my body and puff my mind to carry on with out caring to give it a break, then the long term damage will be beyond repair. Whether there's anything to be change or repair; is the heart in good condition and still functioning. is this nerve and senses still functioning ! hmmm hope nothing major .. hahahaha :D

It is nice to do nothing, feel nothing and let all things settle down.

Let the calmness be it.

2009

This year had been a year full of extremes and actions. I was blessed in many ways and also stress in many others too. I had alot of fears and also successes along the way too. Some recognitions as well as failures.

Professionally this year had been a year that tests me the most in my whole working life. But I am glad I survived, I have had many moments and now 2010 is going to be my year, intuition is telling me that.

Most of all in 2009, I get to see a lot of faces, those who constantly wear masks, those who are real. I mean when you are in good times or bad times you get to see a lot of people in different masks. And this is how we will remember who is who and which is which. Screening through and filtering out some.

This year I went to a few places, I re-visited these places whom I have been but after a long gap, I am back .. to Shanghai, Mataking, Phuket and Manado. Shanghai and Phuket was like hmmm ... at least 15 years ? SO many changes and these places are like brand new to me. Though once I frequent these places like my second home. Mataking is like 5 years and Manado, is only 6 years gap. Still it's new to me. I like returning to places I like, because when we visit a place either work or leisure we meet people, we see new things, new cultures and if we like the place, we want to be back for more. Thats exactly why I like to return, to see the warm and familiar faces again. And I also went to Taipei; a new place, new culture and new people. I will be back.

Of all the diving trips I have had, Lembeh Manado is the most satisfying. I saw so many critters that I normally need a year to see. Lembeh is still very rich with marine critters. Every dive is a surprise dive ! I must admit that I am disappointed with Mabul and Kapalai. They seems to lost the touch on me.

Early this year also see me having vegetarian diet until end of March (100 days). Being a vegetarian, is quite interesting. Its not actually so much of the food intake. In the initial stage, the first week of the diet. The mind is powerful that it keeps giving signals to my stomach that the meal just now is not enough and I will be hungry soon, no meat ! Its so wrong. Our body may not need meat to survive, just enough energy for us to move around. Healthier food consumption and also this year I stop taking beef. So next will be chicken. Also this is the first year I will go for vegetarian on every Dec, a small vow to remember Mom. And my plan will be in 10 years, I'll be a full vegetarian.

2009 also see a year that tests my perseverance the most in work when travel industry overall was affected by the financial crisis and H1N1 outbreak. I have to thank who ever is out there, giving me so much of courage to shoulder on. I am still around. I survived. We survived.

I also want to mentioned that a few people came into my life as a surprise. There is a couple that I dived with and I have never seen such a good underwater buddy before. And this reminds me of my buddy, who is now in Berlin living happily ever after, just like a fairy tale. This couple, they share almost everything that they see underwater. And I remember a British dive buddy once said ' to find a buddy underwater and on land is not easy' its true ... to find a compatible buddy both on land and under water is difficult. But when I saw them, it fills my heart to see that they share everything they see, pointing out to each other, showing what they see ! Perhaps its time for me to stop diving alone and find a buddy to share my thrills instead of with the divemaster 0_0

There is one more person I met in 2009 that had a deep profound impact on me. Its a sense of deja vu you may call it. I use to have this kind of deja vu with things, with scenes or places but not with a person. I went through some of this person's photos and a sudden sense of ' this face looks so familiar, have I seen it somewhere before' .. we have never met in this life I am 100% sure of this and when we met, just that one brief encounter of less then may be 20 sentences. But the feelings of closeness, I simply calls it 'click' just comes to me. I wasn't sure about what the other party feels. Never really tells me. But its kinda scary, somehow I guess we were related or our soul met in our past life. Or that we are really soulmate in past life. I don't know.

2009 overall gave me a lot of lessons and teachings. I think I am more spiritually enlightened then before and I have also learn to persevere better. An ex-superior and a friend once, offer me 2 words when I goes to her to complain about work; patience and perseverance. I guess its not only applies to work but to life as well. In every event, there is a process to follow, and never to jump the cue for any short cuts. We will just have to go back and start the process all over again if we do jump in.

I certainly hope 2010 will be my year and yours too; patience and perseverance.

mind reading

I was trying to finish this book I started about 4 months back. I have to admit that with the internet ever so advance and convenience I am having problem in finishing a book. Internet provides me so much of reading materials anywhere anytime; news, magazine articles, informations etc etc. To finish a book for me now takes months. And the only time I will do much reading is when I fly or travel. Now this book I really wanted to finish it before year ends.

Ok not to talk about my slack in reading books, while reading this topic came into me, mind reading. I am sure every of us at some stage in our life have try to read the other person, what is that person thinking, why is he / she acting in a sucha way. Is our reading and analyzing right or wrong so on and so on .. bla bla bla.

Well have you ever come across as reading wrongly ? I used to be very self centre and couldn't be bother what people around me are like. You know that kind of me is me I don;t care who you are or what you are feeling. But then again, lesson thrown into me that I want to care more about people around me so I pay more attentions to what people around me, what happens to them their facial expressions etc etc. Still I am no good at it because I don't use my head to read instead I learned a better way for me to understand people around me more. I prefer using my heart to see what is the other person feeling and why reacting such.

To read a person is too complicated and needs lots of attention, I prefer just to be there and let the other person tells me what they are feeling. Because if we are sincere enough to show or let our guards down ... without any wall between us they is no need or no place to hide our feelings. This way we can be true to ourself and others.

So what's the point of reading mind ? Sometimes we just have to be lil ignorant and stop reading too much into any situation. I have tried many times to read many people in my life. In my work, I travel and meet thousands of people, they come and pass through my life, some never comes back, some I will remember forever, some I use to hate but learn to forgive or sympathize. If I have to read so many I would be an expert by now. But I choose to ignore and let the feel comes naturally. Some may say I am ignorant, some may say I am the last to get it. But then again, why trouble too much when some people wants to hide it. No point of reading through them, there may be a reason to hide the feelings. If they are sad just accept that they are sad, they will come around when they are ready to expose voluntarily without force.

And even if that person have the intention of lying, so be it. I am willing to be lie to. He who lies, live a life full of lies ! Many times people warn me of such and such person, beware of this or that person. I find it too complicated to keep aware of who's real and not. It's just too much of effort to always be on guard. My walls use to be solid with perfect heights but I let it breaks down completely just like the Berlin wall, I let my guards off completely, all thanks to zahir who had thought me a very valuable lesson. And I find that now a life without wall is much happier and lighter. I become who I am and there is no needing to hide anything from anyone.

In the first place why do we need to read into people's mind ? Are you afraid to expose yourself ? So that you have to read into the others first ?

be in nature

* before I start I must say that my gastric is getting worst everyday; arrrghhhh .. heart burn; can gastric kill ? urrhh, blurp so many gas in my stomach ! Heart is burning, chest is full .... lesson is before you get gastric eat proper NOW ! *

That aside, I was in a good friend's place for Christmas lunch just now. I like to take a slow drive to their place in Cyberjaya about 50 mins drive from my place. The driving as I always love to drive, during driving i have more time for myself with myself being with nature. Some says I am crazy, driving in the city ? Then again i have learn to try and enjoy every minute of being alone with myself with no one around me ie within the 4 walls of my car ! And often during this time in my car driving to some where within KL, I take the opportunity to reflect on things and try to step out of the box and see what's the logic. Most the time I normally don't like to see logics but only when I am slower and alone that I will try to logic things out. Which sometimes is useless too cos I don't like being too logic.

*hmmm I think I will die of gastric ulcer when I am old if I don't keep a strict diet, it is getting worse as I grow older *

So while I was driving to their place just now, as usual it naturally gives me the chance to think and reflects. Just the day before, I was thinking so much of a problem and worrying too much of something that I can barely sleeps. But it's so amazing that when I let go of the thought; this morning it solve by itself. Its better, though not what I want it to be. I am blessed.

I think I am kinda lucky in a lot of aspects in life as general and that lady luck had been with me on a few occasions. I know I had done my best and I can't worry too much of the outcome as it is beyond my control. I just let it unfold. Things happen. I really want to say thank you for helping me, giving me a chance or whatever the universe is trying to weave around me. I am glad that you helps. But one thing always keeps eluding from me, HOME. I want to find home, I want to be in peace with my heart and find home.

I always like to bargain with the universe, and its funny sometimes you just want to voice out what's in your chest so that you leave your burden off it. That you don't carry the weight too much on your shoulder. And what's the best way to do it when you are driving and you look at the sky and start your 'negotiating' with whom so ever out there looking at you ? I always do that, and I enjoy doing it the sky is where we should be looking at when our problems are just so little compare to the hugeness of space out there from our front window !

When is the last you look at the sky from your front window ?

* surprisingly when I took a few deep breath my gastric is better now; deep breathing is the method for meditation so do diving. Aha, it is a cure for gastric, just as we relaxes our muscle we allow for it to being. STRESS is the mother of all sickness *

count your blessing .. 8 days to 2010

1. I am blessed with so many good friends around old and new

2. I am blessed with good health though I am a diabetes

3. I am blessed that I have 2 supporting siblings and family members

4. I am blessed that I have enough to share with everyone; happiness and joy !

5. I am blessed that 2009 had given me so much of opportunities to expand personally and professionally

6. I am blessed that I met you .. one who opens up a past of my journey !

7. I am blessed that I was given a chance to be my mom's daughter

8. I am blessed that I am given a chance to live another day

The blessings will never stops it will goes on ... start counting your blessings now ! And not your angers nor hatreds.

Tung Jeh (Winter Festival)

Well its time of the year where I will be extra and extreme inspire to write as this is time of the year where so many things will boils up to the surface just like these dumplings (one of my favorite food for winter)... hahaha call it time to unwind, rise up and settle down for the year.

I am in the writing mood now as so many things are playing around my head and keeps me awake throughout the nights and also days. This I sometimes dislike being a Gemini, our minds are so powerful that we can go on and on thinking non stop ! hmm if I am not in diving and travel .. I can be a good writer ;) hahaha

Its festive season everywhere and lots of parties and celebrations going on however for the past 2 years I have not been able to feel any during this period. Perhaps its age perhaps its situations. I use to get away at least twice a year ie during my birthday and new year. To make these 2 occasions memorable. But I have not been doing it for 2 years now. My professional life changed, I mean I have my own company which I have invested a lot in so financially speaking these 'luxuries' that I use to have, have to make way temporarily. But then again, my work is my pleasure in some way so though I didn't get to go places I like to be but I still get to dive around.

This is one thing I like about festive seasons and also sunset; the end is coming. Its always full of thoughts and everything is boiling up from deep within. Counting blessings and also flashing back what are the lessons along the way, through out the year.

I certainly have lost the feeling for Christmas or Winter Solstice .. may be there is not much to celebrate anymore. To me now every day seems the same; meaning everyday is a good day to celebrate, why only limits for the festive season ?

So are you partying everyday now ?

how many you have ?

I was with a friend from Sabah last night and while we were chatting the night away with another good friend from Singapore. I remember one topic we did share earlier.

She was telling me that she pick up the wrong cup when she want to drink her coffee and pick up the water mug instead ! SO I ask her how many cups/mugs you have ? Errr she was answering me like 3 or 4 ! Wow surprise me ... why would she needs so many ? ahahaha 1 for coffee, 1 for tea, 1 for water and 1 for whatever ! !

Greedy or variety ? Well at home or at work I only have ONE (01) cup. So simple as that and yet human can be so different in ways ...

So how many cups you have at home and at work ?

judgement

A friend just made a snap decision that he regrets and are now worrying how to reverse back that decision, asking me for advises, well all I can offer is, follow your heart and never deny what your heart is feeling. To me it always applies to life no matter how bad or good the situation is. One must be truth to one's feeling.

Me ? As usual, not offering any, I never like to tell people what they should do. Because they can never do what I want them to. So they should decide for themself ! Me can only support him all the way, and actually no way is a better way nor best recipe for overcoming a situation. All we need to do is act upon it and let the result tells us whether it's right or wrong. Until we reach the end of the path only will we know this is the right path. So mean while just enjoy process lah.

Some people take it ever so seriously of every single steps they made and as if it's the most important. Some takes it one at a time and let things unfold one by one. I don't know, sometimes when we feel its right then why hesitate ? If we have already decided then just go for it; because it is ALWAYS that we never knows what happens tomorrow ** I want to mention here too, Brittany Murphy ( I don't even know who she is, apparently she is famous) died of cardiac arrest at 32 yesterday ! **

I do not say that the decision he made is right or wrong. One can view it as wrong from one point, but there again that he may have made that decision at that time as right ! and if he choose to reverse back his decision, I mean we are no one to say he's wrong or right, that he deserve a second chance. WHO can judge him that he made a right decision or wrong decision ? I can't, you can't neither.

So why is he so worry ? This makes him one of kind, him self ! Anyway no judgements pass on him. He is very capable young man who are suddenly thrown into unfamiliar and uncharted waters that he lost his judgements temporarily. He is NOT this person when I first met him .. he is the most confidence of any person his age with a very good professional qualification up around his belt.

How do you judge ?

on this day ..

There are a few things I want to write and as usual I am trying to sum up further inspiration to expand my thoughts. One being today is my Mom’s birthday unfortunately we are unable to celebrate her 67^th birthday with her last year. She left us on the morning of her birthday. Some people or some stories could be true, some may not believe it but this one is real. She come and leave on the same day same month. And she left without much suffering further, though she had endure more before this.

I want to dedicate this paragraph and sum up everything to officially close this chapter ( I certainly hope to but I can’t force my heart) of my mourning. There’s already much being said about her, and me being me; has kept so many things inside and not sharing with anyone nor acknowledging the pain. I will always remember and love her, she will always be in my heart. No other love … I miss you and I will be strong to carry on, though my life has never been a smooth sailing before this. I hope things will only get better when my heart is at peace and found home.

Well just as I was having a quite Saturday afternoon not knowing what to do or where to be; television can be the best company one could have. “Holiday in Handcuff” don’t really know who’s the lead but decided to just watch anyway. As the story continues , a thought came. The things that we want so much or already had, are they the things that we REALLY want ? Every so often, our conscious mind manipulate our thoughts and keep assuring us that this is what we want, and there is where want to be … so on and so forth. But when we are there, had what we wanted, may be some will think. IS this really what I want ? People can be blinded by a blur vision of desire and not really seeing things as it should be. Its amazing when we allow ourselves to stop for a while and let the heart see instead of the eye, our heart can see much more clearer then our eyes. Some of us lives in a perfect world without any hitches; some of us works hard for our future and some are just content with what they have. Which are you ? DO you know what you want ? and are those you have now, are what you want in the first place ?

I am still working hard for what I want and will never feel contented because a life with contentment is too smooth sailing for me.

time will come when it is right

Today I visited a long time friend from another resort, Martinus had been a long time friend. And every time he sees me he never fails to invite me over to his place, and every time I will have reasons not to go. It is me if I don't like taking things for free, because there will be responsibility to come. This is me and its not easy.. I values commitment and credibility.

It's easy to take free things but it is not nice to owe people favours and simply not repaying them in return. Martinus is so so happy to see me, but it is just out of courtesy that i pay him a visit and not staying at his resort for free. And they are actually many more people that is they are aware of my presense in Manado will surely invites me over to stay at the properties. For once, I felt so welcome but also too much of attentions.

What I really want to say is, it really has been a long long time and Martinus never fails to invites me every time we meet for the past 4 years. I have been post-poning my trip to Manado over and again. So perhaps the time now is right for me to visit. And I know I will be returning to Manado soon again, because I really fell in love with Lembeh Hills Resort.

Its also funny that at the airport I met Mario, my divemaster during my last visit to Manado at Gangga Island Resort, an Italian owned resort. Its really funny how people will cross path again when its not done yet. Just this year July I met Mario back during the dive show in KL and never would I thought to see him again. Yet our path crossed and may cross again in the future as I am really interested in his place at Halmahera, with beautiful white sand beach.

This trip to Lembeh has been long overdue and I am so glad that I made it. And I have a strange feeling that it will be my 'home' for next year. I will be going again and again and again. But I will never get bore of it, the view is not only spectacular but magnificent !

Time will certainly come when it is right ..

not a normal Sunday ...

This morning was not my usual Sunday morning. I was waken up by the unknown ‘force’ no alarm nothing, just woke up naturally though I slept just after midnight. Took a peep at the door and the sky is on the way to slowly lit up. The night before I was contemplating whether to wake up early for a morning walk or not, so I set my alarm at 7am for the walk to the village nearby.

But when I woke up, it was only 5:05 am. Wanted to go back to the warm bed since there is another 2 hour to the set alarm, but the temptation to see the sky brighten up is just too much to pass. So I quickly wash my face, didn’t even brush my teeth and out I go. The sky is blue and the first orangey light came through the sky.

And the walk down to the village of Makawedeh is not as quiet as I thought it is. Most residents, mostly the females / mom / housewife had woken up and are sweeping their gardens of leaves or rubbish. They are most surprise to see me the outsider Chinese looking female to come walking pass their house. Some wishes 'pagi' (morning) some return a surprise smile when I smile at them. I have no idea where I want to go but just to keep walking until the road ends. I walked pass the village, up the hill to the next village and ends in Kasawari Resort, another resort whom the owner, Khun Poo, I have known for quite some years now. And each time I met him in Bangkok, he never give up inviting me to his resort. And yet until today I have not been to his resort at all. Not even his liveaboard Aqua One which he had sold off since the first time he invites me his dive operation.

Though it is less then 4km (erm no to and fro is more then 4km) the early morning walk uphill’s and down steep slopes was refreshing, it allows me the chance to re-connect with reality and nature as well as being in the moment with myself. It’s always nice to be able to live in the moment. Only thing is it will only be whole and complete if I am living in the moment, walking with the soul that is a mate to mine. Then will it be whole and complete !

And I asked myself too, will that day comes soon in the near future ? I never know, you never know and no one ever knows except the universe, except the mighty one out there who keeps testing us, fine tuning our soul, preparing us every day every minute to be a better person.

3 things that makes my heart smile ....

with its antenna tune up, mantis shrimp is paying attention to my lens !

the last 5 days while in Lembeh Hills Resort diving, there are 3 things that really makes me smile from my heart.

The first was the wrasse that keeps swimming in front of my camera lens trying to pose or being playful when I want to shoot the snout pipefish. The wrasse follows my camera and when I move it away it keeps swimming infront of the lens. I laughed when I saw it keep trying to follow my camera, chicky little wrasse.

The other is my divemaster’s smiling eye … I want to see 2 things which I keep repeating and asking to see ! Flamboyant cuttlefish and blue ring octopus. So on our 2^nd day diving, he was showing me this little cuttlefish when I saw the flamboyant ! and I pointed to him no not this cuttlefish .. THAT cuttlefish ! and to my surprise I see the biggest smiling eye that I have ever seen underwater ! His eyes were wide and big. Again his eyes were wide smiling when he spotted the blue ring this time as we descent and its like ok now I spotted the blue ring and we equal each other, he was so happy to show it to me as a proof of he can do better then me in spotting the small stuff ! ! We laugh so loud underwater, having equal each other. John is his name !

The other thing that melts my heart is the cute mantis shrimp that stick his head out and ever curious with its antenna tune UP to receive the signal. This guy is so cute and funny that it again put a smile to my face.

It is so funny how the universe use so many ways to allows us chances to see the beauty that is everyday, to be in one with it, and being in it. To appreciate all the little things that comes into our life. And most often things happens for a reason, it is up to us whether we are able to see the signals and hints that is given to us.

If I am not opening up my heart to see, I would not have seen the flamboyant and see that wide smiley eye ! if I am not allowing myself to see things from a bigger picture I would have shoo the wrasse away for blocking my lens, instead of playing with it for a while. If I did not really ‘see’ the mantis shrimp I would not have seen it having its antenna up and paying attention to my lens !

All these I am grateful that I have learned to see with my heart, having a heart that is able to see and feel at the same time is much better then having a heart that only know how to beats.

what is your heart doing now ?

boiling ..

** sudden urge to let this post out trigger by you **

I am afraid when December arrive, I am afraid to once again expose myself to vulnerability and pain. I did not really allow myself to mourn the death and deal with the pain a year ago. I should have but I did not, I keep myself so busy that I didn't allow any room for tears to flow in. I hurried my life, to get into the actions and bury all my sorrows and pains. I guess this is me, I was 'trained' to be strong, to protect myself from being hurt, not to be weak. And weakness must not be shown, but to be kept inside. Thats is the life of hunter that I was once train when young, a hunter must be strong and always stay strong. This I have to thank my dad which I despise so much now for having no emotions and always a loner. A hunter only knows how to hunt without mercy and pitiless, no feelings.

And from that I have never weep in front of anyone, not even a single tear of joy nor sorrow. But I was completely dismantle when Mom left .. my heart stops beating when I saw her lying motionless ! The moment I assure her that we will be fine, we are all grown ups and we will take care of ourselves that she don't have to worry about us anymore but to go in peace .. she took her last breath !

I am not going to forget how she will disagree with me but still stood by all my decisions, though I have made numerous mistakes in life she stood by, when I was at my darkest she stood by, she tried so hard to accept me the most rebellious child in the family, the one that worries her the most, the one black sheep of the family, she stood by ! The day I was born she start to live in fear (it was during the racial unrest period where curfews are implemented) and worry until the day she leave. Her duty as a mother is to worry about all her children but one that worries her the most .. just came back from the silent retreat, one that had taken a huge leap in a career change, one that have yet to settle down, one that is still searching and drifting out there ! One that still keeps her worry ...

I will be ok, Mom, I am more independent than your other children though sometimes the path that I take are not the normal path most people would go, but this is me the rebellious child that never cease to venture out ! I have your blood in me, the outspoken one and always leader of pack, always the ever curious one. The normal path is not for me and you. We are born during the war and times of unrest ! We both survive .... you do not want me to lead a hard life, when you try to delay my birth (Chinese believe that hard life will for those babies born during full moon or new moon) after Buddha's birthday on the 15th ! but it is destine that I will have to lead a hard life that is full of ups and downs. I had never regretted any, a life that is full of actions will be a life worth living in, rather then a dull passage/journey. I always tell myself, I am a survival, but this time I want to be more then a survival. I want to be a winner. And I will be a winner, I will prove this to you. It is my promise to you that I will take care of younger ones at home and myself. You can rest in peace !

* the hunter had since repent and awaken from the game and are waiting to allow all the emotions submerge beneath that strong identity to flow freely *

Risk taker, are you ?

I was chatting with an Italian buddy just now, sharing some of lives' intriguing moments updating each other news from both sides. She throw me a sentence that rings the bell.

Love and life is always a risk .. we risk our love and life to vulnerability ! To pain, sorrow, joy and happiness ! She is a risk taker as in me, we are both risk takers in a way that we both seek out what we believe is right. Only to experience it that we will know whether it is truly right or the other way.

Taking risk is all part of live and love; we never knows whether we will be the winner or loser until it ends, pre-maturely or it really survive till the end. By risking, our life path, our career choice or our heart we take the steps to seek out the truth what lies beneath our curiosity. I had always believed that a life that swing the fullest is a life truly liven and there's a saying, I live life rather then I pass through life.

Then again,if we try to see things from another angle, not everyone of us are game for it. Some of us are very careful not to risk as they may feel that it is better to be safe then sorry. That we should calculate every steps taken and not to make mistakes out of it. Not to hurt ourself nor other people along the way. Well again, life is to be live and lessons are to be learn, every one have their way of approaching things. We can never say this is the best way nor the ideal method.

I just find her statement to be so true for me, because we don't live for the past nor the future, we live in the present. And if the present moment is right then why hesitate ? But of course in every situation there must be a process, and that process have to be follow and not jump queue !

Oh wow .. amazing I gotta put this down. I was watching CSI Miami, it its amazing that someone did a party to celebrate singlehood, divorce ceremony ! *jaw drop* but well this is life. People do all sorts of things but yeah this is life, happy sorrow joy and pain. We go through it ! By risking we take steps to make our life better, feel better and venturing out of that comfort zone to experience things.

Are you a risk taker like me and my Italian buddy here ?

Pain

I was trying to find a topic to write, one did comes up. I was about to write about stalking but suddenly I want to write about pain. I thought I had written about pain before, but when I click back on my posts .. none ! I omitted this topic so much when I was no stranger to it at all.

I always say to myself "life is about how much we can endure, and still comes out unspoiled of it". It took me 3 years to come out of the 1st 'silent retreat'. Life gives us so much of pain and sorrow, and for us, those who can come out unspoiled of it are the learned one. Those who can over come the pain and sorrow will know what joy and happiness are. Coelho, my favorite writer, did asks whether we want happiness or joy ? Joy is everlasting, happiness is the surge of a moment ! But most often we end up in pain and sorrow before we can really find the everlasting joy !

Physical pain is healable but mental pain is lifetime. It will leave a lifetime memory and a scar deep enough to reminds us never to enter the trouble water again. But then again how many of us do really absorb the lesson and never enter into trouble water again ? We are not seeking pain but we are seeking what believe in, and most the time very often it happens that we maneuver the wrong corner and ended up in the wrong place and got ourself once again enduring the pain again. Such is life, the repeating lesson until it is learned.

Pain is inevitable in our life for without pain we don't know what happiness is about, without suffering we don't know what joy is ! It is all inter-related. When in pain we have to allow it time to heal be it physical or mental. If we push too hard for recovery it will snap and the wound may just continues to deteriorate and gets worse. We must allow time for the wound / pain to be over so that we can continue our journey !

Now are you in pain ? Have you allow your wound ample time to heal properly .. don't leave a deep scar !