pure and innocent ...

One of those days ....

I sneak home early to try to avoid the traffic and also my mind is empty and couldn't do much in office. So I watch Henin / Dementieva 2nd round match at Australian Open. Well the 'rascal' of the family, youngest among the cousins (17 months), I call him 'Di Di' or little brother. Was alone playing by himself when I reached home ...

He is soo happy .. play mate is home ! !!! all smiles and calling out my name though mumbling single syllabus vowel but can be understood. He is like a tape all glue to my back and boy he was really fast ! right at my back in the kitchen, right behind me in my room and out the living ....

and even when I sit down to watch the tennis match ... he is right next to me but with food so that he don't get moving around the only way to get him to stop running up and down. Well I was cheering for Dementieva .. the weaker opponent and losing one. I raise my hand and 'yes' when Dementieva score a point .. he looks at me stunned ! ! what am I doing ? a BIG question mark on his face .. so pure and innocent then a BIG smile and cheering .. moving his body up and down .. happy !! priceless moment

again when I cheer for Dementieva .. stops his action, stunned again looks at me, smile and again moving/shaking his body up and down .. happy to see me smiling, he follow suit !! precious moment

have you ever tried to see beyond the crying and tantrums ? kids have the purest of all expression and fearless of feelings. No danger, no lying, no cheating, no fear, no failure, no nothing .. except smiling and crying !

Dream

in just a short 2 days ... I read and I hear more people talking about dreams and ambition than the past one year, keep the struggle and be determine to realize it, make it happen. no matter what ! !

Is this YOUR way if telling me to keep dreaming ? I have a dream perhaps that is also my destiny. I will work towards it .. the journey is still on.

For short term now, I want to focus on the most important and crucial part that is to plan. And once its planned no one nor any force will stops me from reaching my destination.

Before today, just now, I was lost and I couldn't tell myself even during my "silent retreat" end of last year, what my dream was. I guess my compass was being expose to a very strong magnetic field that had me off my course for a while. Then again losing my way could be fun, as I was able to see another side of the road. Now that I am back on track, and stay focus I want and I know where I should be heading, could that be my destiny ? We shall see.

How many times have you lost your way ? and how often that you found it back ? We will be thrown off guard, got lost, fall downs every now and then ... BUT most importantly we must know how to find our way back, pick up ourself, dust off and walk on ! Never ever allows ourself to be cripple or hurt by the fall, and never ever give up on ourself either ! This is just part of the lesson.

A lot of people see that I am being shallow, always looking on the good side and not the other side; this is not a problem. Sad day, happy day .. we still have to go on living, why would you carry a sad face then ? One can be sad inside, but do not infect it into others ! And never be the one to leave the gaps open because no one likes to fill in the blanks !

Just when you think that you have lost hope in realizing your dream, its okay to stop and rest. Dust off some, unload some, close some windows even doors if you need to then pick up yourself and move ON !

freedom of choice ..

I have a few questions that is disturbing me and mine


a. the use of Allah by non Muslim; now I must confess here that throughout my years of traveling, when ever i start a journey into the islands of malaysia I will wish  Bismilla-hir-Rahman-nir-Rahim, the start of my safe journey. Does this mean that I am not Buddhist ?


b. NEVER ever mix politic and religion for personal mileage; this is sure way to HELL and not HEAVEN !


c. do not do unto others when you want others do unto you; don't start the fire, because it will be come back burn you !


d. religion and faith when met with fanatic can be the most deadly of all weapon !


All religion teaches one to be good and all roads lead to Rome ! 

in search of wholeness ..

In search of wholeness .. how many of us can truly claim that they are whole ? if not complete. I for one has been searching and dreaming of that day to feel whole and complete. And what does that mean to be whole and complete ? Different people have different explanations to what they define as whole and complete.

To be whole and complete, in my humble opinion, is the feeling of fullness, content and joy from the inside out ! When the core of our being is being full and filled with joy that is what makes it WHOLE. The cycle had been completed. Some find it in their journey of love, some find it in their process of achievements, some simply find it in just being.

Most often we human measure wholeness in physical or mental achievements some may include spiritual. For me I want it all … I want to experience as much as I can along the road so that I do not waste time this life and repeat the same mistake I may again be thrown in my next life.

I was very very frustrated with myself the past month, everything seems to be not moving. And it makes me feel so restricted. I want to rush and speed up the process but I fail. Obviously I failed badly in this lesson. But it is funny when we want to search for that wholesome feeling we just have t let it unfold and not force open anything in the process. Me the ever curious child always wanting to take a peep before its being reveal. Always want to have the first hand information, too fast pace.

Slow down and be patience my child, it will unveil upon you once you are ready for it ! !

I want to cap this from the book I am reading ( A year by the Sea) It’s an except from Emerson “ Successful people live well, laugh often, and love much. They’ve filled a niche and accomplished tasks so as to leave the world better than they found it, while looking for the best in others and giving the best they have.”

stranger strangely strange ...

I was not in the right mood the past 2 days. And I guess universe have a very unique way unfolding things bit by bit, allowing people to come in to reminds us that we are still alive.

I had a very good chat with a friend from Italy; she is not someone I know deeply we are just casual friends who share some good thoughts and trusts each others intention in this friendship. I can say that we are almost strangers as we have not met each other, we had not spoken to each other. But we can relate and pours out freely.

This is how amazing human are being link, we are all inter link some how or other though some of us knows one another deep enough to know what the other is thinking but then again we are not their brain. On the other hand, there are some of us who can connects and opens up to the other without fear and consequences.

Being a stranger sometimes allows us the fearless feelings of being judge for right or wrong.  That a stranger can be our best sounding board because they come clean without prejudices and pre-condition nature. This had happen to me twice. I guess a lot of you would disagree and think that I am crazy for trusting strangers. Is this wrong to be trusting ? Human are all inter related and we should love one another the same. And I have learned to gives honestly without holding back anything, because lessons thought me to open up freely and not to be vary or doubt anyone in particular. Because I lose nothing in being real the other person will lose his or her identity in holding up.

It is strange very strange that stranger can see us better then ourself or anyone around us. As I say they come clean !

I was glad that this stranger from Italy came into my life and enlightens me when I was in the darkness of what had happened the last 2 days. Though it is not a quick fix but it is always good to share what's in our mind with someone because the more we think of the answer to our questions the more questions will pops up. And there is always no quick answer, time is certainly and always the best answer possible.

Strange ...

Tearful testimony on discrimination at Prop. 8 trial - latimes.com

Tearful testimony on discrimination at Prop. 8 trial - latimes.com


The above article can only happen in North America or western and more develop and open countries. It can never happen in our conservative Asian culture.

Will this one day be reported in Asia ? Not to say to fight for the most basic of human rights of each individual being .. you me he or she.

snap ...

Sorry for locking the blog, if those of you have try to come in. This is me, I rise very fast and I fall fast too. My emotions are open always, my books are open. Because this is me, I am straight forward.

A few days back I snap, I snap at the slightest thing that happened. I wasn't sure, I regret or is it the correct word ? I did not do the right thing. I over reacted. I was, may be at the wrong moment when things happen and I just snap. I locked this blog, I shunned totally which I don't know what to do at that time.

I am mad, I am sad. I see things happens and I can't do anything. When you care too much you fell the pain. But I lack the patience. This is one very important lesson that I am still learning after 4 decades, patience.

When we know someone that we care so much is struggling, we will be a part of that struggling, share the 'chi' that is circulating around. Hence we absorb the 'chi' into us. Hoping to balance up the negative chi as we will became eaten up by it.

I was in that situation and I snap. It is not about me or the other party. It is both of us that the negative chi is spreading and infecting. Perhaps the moment is not right and things happen.

This is the first time ever that I snap on someone and it's not good ! SO the next time you want to snap ... make a quick blink and breath deeply  ! ! STOP all things ...

blank empty hollow

for one moment in my life, my mind is blank empty and nothing specific came in .. I don't know what to write tonight because I snap this morning. I am still very upset and sad over something that I thought is but is not.

A lot of times when we thought we knew it and that it should be that way and we have expectation of the outcome, most often that it don't ! It may have a very high possibility that your expectation will never come. This is it, things happen and most the time can catch anyone of us off our guard, no matter how strong or well planned you are. Things just happen.

Then you will be feeling .. anger, frustration and disappointment; why such things happen ? Why when you have work and plan things so finely and from all angles and all corners it still comes out not as your expectation.

Well this is it, this is life. And thats how magical it is that every day new things happen, new challenges, new obstacles and new encounters. We can never plan too well, just welcome them with open arms. I remember a friend, I forgot who, once said welcome adversity with open arms. Because whether we like it or not, it is here. You can't reject it, you can't just ignore it nor write it off. So under such circumstances, deal with it.

Deal with it, most the time we refuses to deal with things that is sad, that is happening but not what we want it to be. We avoid, we delay, we let it be thinking that it does not matter, we procrastinate on our decision. We hide because we fear ! This is normal even the most logical person will do the same when they snap !

I just snap ! thats it ...

love loving losing learning lessons .. re-loving

Once a while I like to pull out some old but nice and enriching books that helps me to reconnects, re-evaluate and realigns me with my soul with my being. It helps to bind me to reality.

Dr Cherri Carter Scott had a few good books and one is related to Love, in her summary I copied here
"in the game of love I have won, I have lost, I learned how to open up and love again when I thought I never could ... experimenting and growing from the pain of a broken heart and shattered dreams" I think in every of us we walk this path too, just that the experience we go through are not the same because every of us is unique and different in our own way and have our own path to maneuver.

She also ends it with "loving, losing, learning the lessons and re-loving, I am pleased to open the door and share it with you. I cannot say the journey has been easy but it has been worth it, learn your  love lessons and treasure your partner each precious moment you are fortunate enough to be together" With this I am uncertain myself, because I have found someone that I am attracted to very intensely, and a mate that my soul had been searching for all this while. Universe allows us to meet and connects in a very unique way allowing me to see things differently. Then again I leave it to fate whether I am able to find "home". I am tire, I am a worn out warrior. The burning flame of desire is growing stronger and wilder inside me. I am trying with all my might to de-flame it, to slow it down. I called this karma, I was once being advise by a Guru that I have to repay a lot of romance debts in this life. In my past life I have hurt many women, I was a famous opera singer in China * in Chinese cultures, opera singers moves from town to town, city to city to perform and every place they stop they have new love and then when its time to move they leave, no lasting relationship, no real love, no real feelings *

I never believe in such before this, I was always a fighter, a pursuer and always go for what I feel is right ( I still do) but may be my meeting with this Guru is a fate that he enlightens me of why my lack of luck in this aspect. However I did win some even though I lost a lot before this. I pick up, I learn and I brave myself to open for love again.

I find Dr Carter's summary to be enlightening, encouraging and optimistic enough for anyone of us; be it loving or losing or re-loving.

I have not been in good luck in the area of romance all my life mainly due to fear, my whole life have been full of fear. Fear of expressing my feelings freely, fear of committing myself to a vow, if I did promise I will do all my might to fulfill it. I have learned and I am still learning to be a much better person. I can only say that I am a much better person now compare to a decade ago. I am more prepare to take on the next phase of my journey. And I am certainly looking forward to the next decade, if I am lucky enough to live on for we never knows what will happens tomorrow.

Love is reaching out when you don't want to, communicating rather than assuming, asking questions rather than jumping to conclusions. Most of all love is about staying committed when you feel like wanting to walk away.

If neither of the above then love certainly is not deep enough for us to make the effort. Then may be its time to move on to the next chapter as it is not destine to be !

Away from the topic, I always like dusk, and here the beautiful horizon just now from the window of 7th floor ...

The Journey ..

A fellow tweeps from US asks me whether I believe in destiny. I do believe in destiny for without destiny my soul will never knows where it is heading. Though of course rationally and physically I would have no idea where I'll end up in the end. But visions and dreams will lead me to where I belong and wants to be. Recently there are alot of things had been boiling inside me, and I can feel that its almost dry up, I need to put in some juices so that it will not get overcook. And that I can keep the process rather then ending things pre-maturely.

However through the years on earth and after 4 decades, I guess I have finally learn to accept. Accept what is and accept what is not as well. This journey, this time I felt that my soul had been enlighten by all the lessons thrown to me with or without prior notice.

OK I have to insert here a scenario, while watching this movie based on a true story in Florida, "What Makes a Family" here

a.     One is dying of a chronic disease; leaving behind a beautiful daughter and her lover

b.     One is seeing her lover dying of chronic disease

Which one is enduring the pain more, the leaving one or the staying one ?

I always have this thought and keeps reminding myself that I will not be the first one to die first, I will always be the one to live longer because I cannot let my lover suffer and mourn over my leaving !

And most often the one who stay behind are the one who suffer the most, then again we have to all deal with it and move on. Because there are other people who love us equally to want us to be happy !

4 minutes

I just finish a German movie titled 4 minutes *damn no subtitle but its powerful acting*. Its about a prisoner, young and she is a natural talent with her fingers and was given a chance to learn the piano. But as the story goes, obstacles and fellow prisoners bla bla bla .. her mentor and teacher take the greatest risk by smuggling her out of prison to perform in the philharmonic !

Her teacher pleaded 4 minutes to the prison Director, and she played the most beautiful and enlightening piece yet of her life to a full house standing ovation. She had her moment in life.

Given a 4 minutes in your lifetime to do something great or on grand scale, what would it be ? Me ... hmmmm good question. I guess may be in that 4 minutes I will tell the whole world how much I love you and if I can choose a place I want it to be in the Taj Mahal, the monument of Love. I am not a great person, I am just another ordinary human experiencing and going through all the lessons bestow upon me, good or bad. So that I do not waste this journey at all.

Then again, I am a greedy person, I want 4 minutes everyday to be whole and complete !

And what would yours be ? What do you want of your 4 minutes moment to be ?

first day ..

Today is the first day at school, first day at work ... so many people are hurrying to start life; the 7 years old kids as in my smart nephew is first day in school learning to be independent. Learning to take in as much knowledge as he can. Parents are getting anxious to prepare the little one to be ready for school. The excitements every where .. its in the air !

And now what happens after that ? Most often humans get started to things, eagerly to get things in order and ready for the big day there after what happens ? There after what's next ? Will the excitements end there ? Will the preparation ends there ? And when other mattes settle in, most often we tend to tune down. Children as I always equates them with baking. They are the flour and dough .. we mix all the ingredients into the flour to become a dough and from there on how we want to mold the dough to be buns, cakes or simply doughnut is entirely up to us. The same goes, the child is pure and innocents what we teach and input into them is what makes of the child later on. If we use too over heated oven it will burn, if we use lower degrees it doesn't turn out ... it is important for us the 'chef' to be careful of what we want to bake out of the flour. With flavoring and a little patience the cake can be a most pricy item or a crap dough ! The choice is our to make, the chef / the parent !

Do you still remember your first day at school ? It was very exciting to see so many new friends and being in a place where I know no one in my class. Mom's wanted us to go master our English rather then  enroll us in a Chinese school. English is the international language of the world. Then again it is funny how that during my days we will naturally converse with our teachers in English rather then our national language, Malay.

Seeing my nephew came back home with stories of how he buy food during his recess is a joy ! He on his first day in school learning to purchase food for the first time .. short given the canteen operator aunty and aunty asks him to pay additional 10 cents ! He was very anxious as well as so excited that there's so many choices of food to choose as compare to pre-school all set menus !! He was also extremely excited about his first learning dvd science text book and wanted to install it immediately ! I can see in his eyes the sparks and the glow.. of new adventure in school !

I too am eagerly awaiting for his new adventure to start hoping to be there for him in every of his encounter.

only if ...

only if I am able to change destiny; can I ?
only if I can dictate the course of my journey; I will go far and deep
only if I am able to see the future; I will change now
only if I am allow to express myself without fear and consequences ; I will confess to you now !
only if I do not need to held responsible; I'll just do it
only if ......

is it worth it ?

wow I can't believe it when I allows myself to be in total peace, I can have so much of inspiration to write ! I write so much *doh* bragging. hmmmm the silence and peace in my heart preceding an important battle ahead.

At the end of the day is this worth it ? If anyone asks about this, I will ask the person to stop whatever he/she doing.  Because when you doubt yourself, your action. You are most likely to end up not worth it ! Because the mind only knows how to keep asking and thinking about worthiness and not succeeding in whatever that is entrusted upon you. Your are NOT focus in making it worthwhile but rather focusing on calculating.

Only losers will ask when they are not confident, only the pessimist will assure them self that it is NOT worth it. Whatever you aspire to do now, is what you want to do to make the dream come true. Even if you end up in the middle of no where, neither here nor there, it is still worth it. Only the blinds and deaf will not see what the journey is about, only the empty heart will not feel what it is like to be in the journey. Even if you fail this time, your effort is worth it as you have the courage to participate rather then being a coward and not to compete at all. Most people would have forgotten the most basic of all fundamental that is thought in school by our teacher, that sport is a competition as in anything we do in our life later on that we MUST all have the sportsmanship spirit in us. And what is that ? Lose or win is just a part of the competition, you lose this time you gain lessons, you win does not mean you be winner for life. Nothing is eternal, this too shall pass, but lessons and experiences stay !

I remember I once asks myself this question too, then I know its time for me to move to the next phase. So when my partner asks this to me, I know I have lost him as a business partner, it is time for him to go. I am sad for I thought I have gotten me a capable and confident young man but he is not yet up for the battle ahead ... China.

We can not measure whether its worth or not, what you see as worth may not turn out to be, same goes what you see as not worth may actually be worth the effort after all. There is always 2 side of a coin, when we start to see things from different angles and perceptions then will we be able to know the answer of worthiness. The journey is so interesting how can it be not worth it ? The lessons behind every encounters are more worth then any material rewards one can gather, be it a business venture or a any other actions for that matter.

For me everything is worth it, even if one day I fail as a person or work / career even love; that whatever I  have now chosen, it is worth it ! because I know I will enjoy the journey and lessons it prepares me for.. failure or success I will gain all the lessons given.

love, hate, deadly .

I am contemplating whether to write something grand, something that I have been mulling over for some time now but I think it's not the right time yet. I will keep it in my "blue book" for now.

pheww I manage to finish the book that I started 4 months. And reading a new one now, Outliers by the same author Gladwell. Well I wanted to get The Winner Stand Alone by Coelho but but I don't because I have a bad habit that I will buy and buy but takes years to finish. I didn't even start reading the Monk who sells his Ferari ! ! I still have one of Austen and Grisham's, don't know when I will get them started.

Anyway, I wanted to share about Charlie Sheen and wife. It always puzzles me when couples argue. I do not know how it feels like or what it is like that could make a person be in such anger that a weapon, in this case a knife can be weep onto your love ! How could such a thing happen ? Well even if he is drunk, there stood there a person that he vow to love her till death do us part ! ! Unless the relationship is in trouble you start to hate each other. But if you are still a couple how could this happen ?

When we commit ourself to love this person till death do us part, its a vow and yeah I do agree that some may not really grows old, some parted ways. BUT when you are still a couple and loves each other, I can not possibly think that violent is the way ! Violent can only be get violent. The more force you enforce the more rebel the rebellion.

I really don't know how it feels like to be in such heated quarrel but to want to kill your love one ? hmmm it must be out of mind. This .........

I don't know whether I should continue ...... on the contrary ; I have had a gun pointed at me before !

welcome to my new look ....

watch out ! ! !

I may do something crazy for I am a dreamer.. a warrior.. I will fight for what I believe in ....

hahahhaah do you believe me ? 0_o

a new decade of excitements ...

Hi I am BACK ^.^

it's new year, it's a new decade

Just 5 hours before that I receive a not so good news from my biz partner. However I am not faze by it, as I say I am always a survival , a strategist and this time I will be a winner too. My mind is extremely focus when I want it to be. However, now I am on 'silent retreat' enjoying the silence before the battle starts again, so things can wait. I am not hurrying !

This year, this new decade I want to secretly make a little wish. hahahah na na na ... I am not going to write it here otherwise it will not come true, it will be in my "blue book" later. I wish that ....................

I hope you too will make the best of this new decade, new era, make your heart whole and let peace be with your soul ! Reach for the dream and make it happen, follow your heart don't only think of it, action always speaks much louder then words. If not now when ? Don't think of whether it is worth it because when you start thinking whether its worth it or not then it is always NOT WORTH it. Because it is always not worth it when you are now in a comfort zone. Just go for it, only when you end the journey will you know that it is worth it ! !

Dreamers are always crazy ... Happy New Year !