Not rushing

coming into 2024, 7 years lapse since is last wrote. many things passed, many things changed, many many incidents of ups and downs. 

the passing of a very good friend, the challenge of careers continues, the rise and falls of many things, the lost of my beloved brother, the losses one have to endure in life. 

Yet despite all above, continue to keep walking, I am always slow to reach taking my own sweet time and enjoying every step of the hard and soft process of life. Not rushing, not pushing and always trust that karma will pays you what you had sowed.

when trust is broken, try to forgive and learn from the mistake of mistrusting; not allowing to be cheated again. their choice to cheat, out of desperations or nature, they too will pay for what they sowed. the process of life will be different for everyone of us, some will goes through it when they are in their 30s some in their 40s or maybe 50s; some are still not able to rise up even when they are in their 60s. Every one have a choice and that choice is all about every own intelligence .. no one correct syllabus or formula even. 

coming to 55, i have had a very hard 35 years of career as well as personal life. a little tire, trying to figure out whats next. as some of the times during the past 55 years on earth, one of those times, as my best friend says "try to find back the passion, soul searching" time.

i must admit that i lost the interest or urge to pen, maybe because of the change of times. Less and less papers, no journal book, no reading with books on hand. Hence less writing, and less inspirations.

Greed

Greed brings out the best in human

Greed allows us to see the other side of human

Greed inspire human to progress beyond our comfort zone

Greed encourages human to progress

Without greed human will still be leading life without iphone or Samsung, travel the world in boat or maybe raft; clad in leaves and uses spears to hunt for food.

Without greed we will not have high rise building and social media like this blogspace

Some call it greed, some call is advance, curiosity, what ever names you call it

it is a cycle, when we are born we are pure, as we growth, we are expose, and once we are exposed, we look back, and we want to be pure again. clear off whatever contaminations we have had ...

such is the journey of been there, and back.

Greed in which angle you see, contribute to the progress of mankind ! But once we experienced it, do we still want to be greedy ?

Yours to ponder.

Repetitive

I read and copy the below few years back....

you walk down the road, you accidentally falls into the hole, you quickly climb back up

you walk down the same road again, and it was dark, not knowing, you fall into the hole again... dust off yourself and quickly climb back up

this time you saw the road from afar being cautious you know the hole is there yet you still falls into it, this time you blame yourself and force yourself to climb back up

you make yourself falls into the hole again and refuses to climb back up .. you just sit there !

Reverse

I am really lost for word to describe the current situation. it took me a long time decide to step out of the comfort zone and move on. Just when I thought that this zone is comfort, the next day it turns out to be the battleground !

Just when I thought that it is safe and that it is growing at a healthy level, it is dying. Pre mature ending. And it makes me wonder, if I had not step out; what will it be for me ? Could be better, could be worse. It won't be the worst ever, then again.

It's just I am flabbergasted by the sudden change of situation. Just too overwhelming for me to absorb. Yesterday, I am relieve that it is on good hands. But today, it was transfer to another hand ! No warnings, No signs.

How amazing things just reverse and make a 180 degree turn ! It doesn't really affects me anymore as I had stepped out.But the heart feels sad, something that was develop with much efforts and passion was not allow to see the harvest; pre mature ripens being snatch away.

I won't bare grudges to the person who snatch the fruit but I blame the person who own the tree. We are just the farmer who work tirelessly to trim, nurse and water the tree hoping that one day we get to share the fruits.

Reverse, who would have predicted ? I am angry, I am feeling hurt, I am in another way relieve I wasn't caught in between.

What tomorrow brings, you'll never knows.

Cherish what today gives you with open arms.

The journey continues ...

A consultant told me before that she says every one of us are repeating a cycle in our life journey and that 10 years is the cycle. What happen now is similar to what happens 10 years ago; unless we rise above the situation and move on, the cycle will keep repeating itself and we will never learn and understand what the hidden lesson is.

As my journey continues, I had chosen a foreign path. 10 years ago, I did chose a rather different path from what I was doing before. Now I chose again, a path that is not familiar in my working life. But will often come across. Standing in the cross road for a while; I was mulling and looking at every corner trying to find a familiar spot; but things are getting even more blurry.

I live to challenge my ever curious soul, to always try something new in the related field of Tourism. I always say I am a Tour and Travel person. I want to try all jobs that is related to it. I however overstayed in in my hobby of exploring the undersea. Then again .. that journey is as beautiful as it is and still a never ending journey, of which I find it ignites my passion in another way.

My journey continues, as in all of us, to the unexpected. The courage to step out of the so comfort zone into the unknown; had always been my soul. Always trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I am now counting on days when I will finally hit the ground running. I am always well planned and playing out what to expect tomorrow. I had always want to control the whole situation by analysing every angle and seeing things from the top with my bird's eye view. But this time I am clueless, and trying hard to learn new things everyday. Passions drives me on.

It was a real challenge to stepping out of that comfort zone. In the transition now, asking myself what had I got myself into ? Counting down the days was both scary and exhilarating at the same time. Not knowing how I will cope, not knowing how I will fair. Most of all, the heart is mixed. It was rather a heart over head decision. That I will not regret doing but will certainly regret if not doing.

At this stage as the journey continues, whatever I do now I do what my heart feels. There is just too short in time to mind over what the head is thinking. There will be people who says you are stupid in doing this, but what had my action gotta do with your head ? There is no need for acknowledgments of sort if at the end of the day I am able to face my creator with open arms and open heart.

As the journey continues, I hope to achieve what the heart felt is right rather then worry over what the head is conspiring against.

So the journey continues ...

between then and now ...

Been a long time since I write, a very long hiatus indeed. So many many things had transpire and evolve since then (3 year back)

In between then and now, a short 3 years had many changes as I was trying to figure out what would this topic be; I came out with many but just too many.

I had my dream comes true, twice

I am able to come back from being broke

I walk away from death

I met someone

I also lost someone

I made another vow

Too many things happened to this ever weary warrior. The journey is still as fabulous as ever. And I am hopping for more spectaculars to come, the journey is not ending anytime soon. It can only made one wiser and growth more wisdom.

Being in a different perspective and having new eyes in every time we are face with consequences.

Something is now boiling inside me that I can’t explain. Maybe these things that is happening brings me to a still. Of life and death, of beginning and ending, of love and hate. These are the ever opposites that will always attracts each other to the other.

The fast will always be attracted to the slow, the slow will be fascinated by the fast as they both compliment each others. You hate to love because you love so much so that you hate it. If it doesn’t end, you will never begin another. Within me now is the space between, the space between there and now, in that emptiness. I have asked numerous times, what am I feeling now ? What is the very reason of my existence and purpose ?

Can you answer that ? Seeking new eyes …

be careful what you wish for

I just realise that I have not been blogging for more than half a year now, and time really flies. I tried and tried so hard to allows my heart to feel again, to be in the feeling of what is happening in my environment, but my mind is so actively protecting it, to allow it to flow freely.

Recently I made a wish. The wish comes true, but it comes with not what I expects it to be. Many times when we wish, we may get it but most the times it comes with additional. When you wish for love, you may get love but that love could be a fatal attraction. When you wish for money that money may comes with a great loss. Most the time wishes do comes true, but how we interpret it, is what makes us believe that wishes don't comes true !

Most the time what we wish, we already have, we never see it from a different perspective. Because we are so focus on that particular thought that is playing in our mind, we often never seen it that it had come true. I just realise it, it has come true but ...

When we see it from a different angle, that wish could have been there all along.

I made 2 wishes, I am trying to feel their presence now. I don't regret over what I wish for but will try to enjoy them as much as I can. Because it is what I have asked for and this is what I will have. SO I will wish for more now *evil creeping up* hehehe ^_^

A person can never stop wishing and dreaming, for these are the light that will keeps us going. Talk about keep going, I had a sudden moment over the weekend. People with passion and commitment, determination and believes, having faith and keep walking, will one day succeed. Nothing come easy, easy things don't lasts !

had your wish came true recently ? Mine did and it is making me a little confuse ...

Time heals or wears

Time heals or wears

I had always believe that time heals any wounds, but does it really weave its magic by healing? Or time wears us down, all our might and energy to fight, our pain and sorrow. The longer we deal with it the longer we stay with it, the more we suffers over it.

Then again if we don’t allow our heart to mourn the pain and rush it to heals, we will not heals fully. Again, if allowing it too long to heal, it will wears us down. So how long is long, how soon is soon ?

No one can predict or gives you any specific time to heal or mourn. We are all trying always to find the perfect formula to everything we do but we also forgot that in dealing with the heart, there is truly no perfect formula or recipes for success.

It is that moment in time, that what we feels is right and to do it right. I think I have allow myself over the limit timing to heal and keeps bouncing back and forth with hope and lack of courage to deal with my heart. It is in every human nature that we just want to cling on for a little longer, hoping for a second chance. Of which sometimes not everyone have that, even though I think we should all be given that, a second chance.

Had time heals you or wears you ? Is it time to deal with it ?

scrap the old thoughts

I suddenly feels like writing again.

This year I wasn't so active in writing,one of the main reason is that heart is not feeling much. I am a person who feels and always feeling. If the heart is not feeling I felt like block and trap in a space that is empty every corner. And this year I have tried to reverse all my thoughts, I am sure that you too have this kind of feelings. It's in all of us, when some thoughts come up in our mind which our subconscious keeps playing, and our head thought 'nah this can't be' the mind automatically brushes what ever that was playing in our heart just that moment that we 'hope' will happens.

Why we brushes aside that thought that we thought may not happen at all ? Why ? Why the 'nah it will not happen' ? Why can't we be positive and embraces it, believe that is will happens ? This is what I am doing exactly, whenever each time a thought comes up and when I try to brush it aside, I quickly remind myself YES, I am embracing this good thought to happen. I want it to happen, I am worthy of receiving it ! and Why not ?

A lot of times, when we don't believe in our self we will think that we don't deserve to be treated good. Things do get better and patterns do change too. If we are alert to our surroundings and open for change, our mind can change too.

Recently, I have so many things coming to my mind, and all are good things that I hope will come true. Just when I want to brush it aside, I say NO. Why not ? It can be true, I can happen to me, things change.

Have you had this kind of thinking before ? Is it time to change that negative thinking ?

the first time we meet

A friend from facebook juts posted a question, the first time we meet, how was it, how we meet, what are the impact, feel, the experience is.

The first time we meet, I was sitting on a table alone, visiting for the firs time, you were not exemption al just another staff working in the resort. For 2 nights I notice your routine with another fellow co-worker. I was alone and kept to myself, always me just keep quiet and observe with open eyes and open ears, because my other interest is looking at people. Just being a curious onlooker.

For 2 consecutive nights, I was watching you. Not going to approach you nor expose my identity. Just being there without knowing each other. You have a big warm smile. You are polite in your movements.

You may not be the most beautiful in the dining hall, but you stands out in my little heart. My attention somehow my focus point is on you. Trying to read who you are. Because my presence was not immediately known to you. I have not identify myself to the dive centre yet.

On the first time we actually meet, my heart was pounding fast and blood pressure rising when you walk out the office and greeted me. And when you brings me around for a short tour of the area, my cheeks are all red and heart pumping even faster. My whole body was like jumping up and down; I have not felt such way for a very long time. The intensity of my body and heart was so in sync. I felt the instant attraction, but was not overly reacting to it. After all I as more concern of the group's arrival then thinking of anything more.

Your big warm smile together with your friendly and attentive nature triggers my feelings and get my antennal's up !

The first time we met, the feelings are gradual and pleasant. It feels right and it feels good too !

hybernating

I have not much posts lately mainly due to the jumble up feelings as well as trying hard to find back my footings and swimming against the current.

I know I know just follow the tide and let it leads me where ever I am destine to be. This is precisely what I am doing, just be in the moment.

Until I am feeling again ....

New

After a period of hiatus, hibernation or whatever you may call it, I feel new again. On a few circumstances and that only justify my believe that a person should always feel positive about life, the more you are pessimistic the more you be ! As what is always been preached, attracts the positive power.

I have been going through a tons of reflections and thinking, and it is how one need to do to be a better person. The journey so far had been full of blessings and re-new energy everyday just when you want to give up, a new turn, a new twist, a new hope, a new light, comes in. This is the magical journey of life !

And just when one ends, begins another or as it may always been the journey continues, a new chapters starts. So there is never an ending story .. it just keep unfolding. I was so obssess with Jodi Picoult's Sing You Home last week an amazingly my reading habits comes back, which normally I always have problem and fear of ending a story too fast. But I did not hesitates to finish it, which I did in 5 days (466 pages, every page is a new experience) It brings new perspective to me, new eye and new mind !

At the same time, I felt new. A new eye in seeing things, a new mind to allow flows of thoughts, a new heart to feel ! and at the same time, I was given a new friendship ! You just know the feeling is good and that its going to be nice company !

With so many new, I am thrown the choice to be optimistic or keeping the pessimist creeping up ! I do not want to give a minute of doubts, because when the doubts settles in is when the battle is half lost !

I am always the cat, who is always curious and always seeking the new eye in seeing new things and seeking new experiences.

Are you ?

FREE

Well today this morning had the chance of having McD breakfast, the egg McMuffin with chicken ham is reaaaly good ! Don’t mind having it again. Well the reason why I want to write is there’s this lady, while I was queuing up at the counter, I saw her standing in front of the cashier but wasn’t aware what she was doing thought she wanted to jump queue. But when my turn is up ordering, and the moment she saw that my total order was above RM5 she immediately come up and ask for a free meals with the coupons she have on hand. She had around3 or 4 on hand, free 2 big breakfast ! and my instant reaction was is she from some sort of orphanage or old folks home or some charity organisation ?

She was standing for almost 30 – 40 mins waiting for the next customer with a purchase of RM5 and above ! Though she is rude but I guess every customer that she approach wouldn’t mind her asking for help. After all, she mean no harm. It’s just a mean of survival. She is redeeming it for … her family ? her fellow peers ? I was for a minute, if me ? I can’t .. the act of asking for help from people this way, will demean my self esteem. But then again, when the situation forces you, will you do it ? See we take for granted in many other things in life, and this is a way for getting free food for those unfortunate.

I kept thinking, if me, will I be able to do what she is doing ? Asking for help to get free food ? Will I feel embarrassed or a shame to do so ?

March 11th, 2011

On this day, an earth quake with a 9.0 richter scale hit off Honshu Island triggering a massive tsunami in Miyagi and areas surrounding it. We were at Berau's hotel of which now I have forgotten it's name. Daniel wave frantically for me to go in; as I raise my head to watch the TV clips. My heart stop a second, and my whole body was numb, I was speechless. The next 5 mins is wild ! Thoughts running wild in my head, the amount of lives lost ! Lost of love ones, lost of life ! For those who survive, it is torture. It is madness to see all your love ones and life lost in a minute ! Everything was gone. Wash away, cars, houses everything ! I only have one thing in my mind, to keep my closest informed of my being. To let them know I am ok and don't worry it will not hit East Kalimantan, as we are protected.

At that moment my life seems so precious, my thoughts was I don't know if I will survive tomorrow. Never would have thought that tsunami will hit again ! And that moment after, my minds was focus on one single person who had actually occupying my thoughts the past few days before. How will things have affected the other side, will the warning be affecting them. My texts goes out and warn to take pre-caution. Just take care and be caution. And it was suppose to be a birthday celebration; this day will be a memorable one !

And things that I have been mulling over, I kind of decides immediately that I will just go ahead. I really do not know what will happens next, because life seems so short and fragile. The courage I got from the TV clips is huge. It really pushes me to go ahead. Then again though I was being rejected but I know I have done it and not going to regret anything if I am to leave tomorrow. I never know if I will live pass this week, I don't even know if I will wake up tomorrow morning either. But as for now, I live without regret. I go forward to do what I feels should be done and should be express.

A lot of times we think, should we or shouldn't we. The back and forth of pushing forward or just let it pass. May be some will say, just let it in order not to hurt the other party. Don't say it. Then again, shouldn't we be honest and frank ? To also let the other party a chance to know what is happening ? We live only once and to bring too many loads on our shoulder is heavy and for me it's just too damn tire. We should off load all that is in our heart and mind, set them free, voice them out and do not let it be the burden to our already purpose full lesson of life.

We never know what tomorrow is going to be, not even the magic crystal ball can tell precisely. So get up and go, just do it. What ever that may comes, let it be. For today may just be your last, that you may not see the light tomorrow.

forgiveness

Life's gives us lessons that will makes us grows and allows us to see things from many angles so that we are able to learn from it. I guess forgiveness, be it giving or taking, is a one tough subject to even get a pass !

Be it forgiving or seeking forgiveness, both acts needs tons of courage and tears shed before it is taken in and both parties move on. To forgive is the most difficult to give and to seek forgiveness we need tons of courage.

For us to forgive, we need to gain the trust back, once the trust is broken, our heart is torn apart. We need time to meant it, time to heal all pains. Until the day we are able to to fully heal our heart and build the trust, forgiveness will never suffices.

In seeking for forgiveness, we need to prove that we are worthy of forgiving and shall never repeat the act again. Otherwise it means nothing to seek for forgiveness.

I ask for your forgiveness for my negligence, I ask for forgiveness for my silliness, I also ask for forgiveness for my rudeness, I ask for your forgiveness that I never listen to your advise, I am sorry for what I have did to make you sad, to make you angry. Have you ever seek for forgiveness ?

Have you forgiven ? Did you seek for forgiveness ?

just when ..

Most often when we stop expecting and allow things to unfold, just when we surrender to the flow to let it brings us what ever that is going to be.

I was feeling so blessed the last week when all along I have wanted to see the mimic octopus and skeleton shrimp but have not the chance and luck. Last week both show up and to add to the bonus is the arrowhead decorated crab ! It is what I have implanted in my memory the green triangle thing .. the arrowhead ! it shows up, and much to my biggest surprise is the mimic, when I told the others this will be the slimmest of chance to see.

It all happened and I am truly truly happy; not forgetting the happy giggling of John and Robby underwater. Their smiling eyes and laughter's make me felt full.

I share with you this

They are MY dreams, it has come true ! I hope I can now set some new ones for me to continue dreaming.

Answer

[ I was blocked for the past 2 months. My mind was full of thoughts and emotions movements from physical to mental to spiritual. But I can write none. things are moving from too many direction to too many directions. I can absorb none. I don't know why, I tries to ask .. ]

How many time have you try to ask about what's happening ? What is the matter with me ? Why ? In our lives we asks thousands of questions, the funniest part is most of the question asked the answer is already there ... there infront of us. Inside us, we already have the answer; we just couldn't bring ourselves to agree to it that's all.

In every doubts that surfaces in our mind, our heart has already prepare for it and have got the answers readied. we have the answer within us that makes us who we are all, our mind is the creator and destroyer of who we are, the answers to the questions.

I was trying to fight very hard my whole life to try to get as many answers to all the doubts and curiosity I have in me. I thrive for knowledge of life, I thrive to know everything so that I can control every single movement and steps to be taken. All the answers I wanted was just there right in front of me ! ME is the answer to all the question I have asked.

When we start asking a certain question, almost all the time we do already have an answer to it; either A or B. And almost all the time, we do know what the answer will be in our heart, deep down in our heart. We just ignore it because it is not what hope to be.

Our connections with our spiritual self are always overlook because it is not logic to follow our feelings and intuition, it is just a feeling ! No logical explanation is able to give a good answer to this one. When we ask for guidance, the path is already there in front of us; we just refuse to see it. When we surrender and be still, be at peace with our thoughts and feelings, then we are able to open our minds to see and listen to our heart; I take a quote from Reepicheep *Chronicles of Narnia* Believe is all we got Trust our own feelings and always listen to the heart for answers to all our questions. No else can provide us the answer to our doubts.

What are you asking now ?

Every cloud have a silver lining ... ?

I have not written for a long long time now, partly due to the lost of inspiration and also my self centreness. Lately a lot of things are evolving around me, internal and external factor all together.

Things always happens for a reason, and when what we expect does not come to us now could be because we are not ready for it, hence we are not being given. And when the time is right we will have it without due. Things always happen for a reason and no matter how disappointed we are or delighted as it may seems, always feel blessed that it happens, and always for a reason !

My feelings swing from left to right, I was very disappointed and sad; but guess all the lessons bestow upon me had me taught me to see things from a different perspective that it's a relief that it didn't happen. As I was also dragging my feet for it to happen. And may be its also a blessing in disguise.

I don't know what to say; as it is truly amazing when you belief in the universe and surrender to it. Let go all your expectations as you have already done what you have possibly done trying to make things happen, you just have to trust that the universe is doing all its mean to make it happen for you. This is what I am feeling now. It happens, when you just let it be; do not force things, opening up my heart to allow abundance to flows in.

Then again, it is not without doing nothing. Just allowing the result to be. It is the journey that makes us whole not the destiny itself.

I'm still learning, and the journey is still ongoing. I thank you who still allows me to have faith and continue opening up my heart to have hope returning to me.

familiar yet distance

I have always find Hong Kong to be a familiar place, a place then is familiar to me. But deep down it seems to be a distance, the crowded streets, the fast moving pace of basically everything; from the traffic to the people to the daily lives. For example, waitress would not wait and let us sit there reading our the menu on our own to fast moving escalators and people walking in a speedy motion. One may call it efficiency but its just not a place for me to live in.

Then again I have always find food and people to be familiar, a sense of closeness to them. Perhaps somehow may be in my past past life I lived here before.

Somehow its really funny, how we can experience that sense of deja vu every now and then. Its really unexplainable even in science. But it does happens.

moving on II

Suddenly I was being reminded of 'little finger'; I kinda miss the intensity we shared before. And I was wondering whether you had already move on. Your pain still felt like a sharp penetration into my heart. The intensity of your suffering and pain is still very vivid in me and my heart.

I do sincerely hope that you have move on, and I am not going to miss those moments. Rather would hope that it will pass soon. Today is especially vulnerable when you came into my mind. Then again you will always always have a special spot in my heart and mind. ALl the pain you have suffer, I suffer with you; all the tears you flow I flow too. the shrapnel of the shatter glasses, can be remove piece by piece however the cuts and wounds need times to heal. I heal with you.

It may not be possible it is true, I felt for what you feel. I breath the air you breathed. I see the moon you admire and lost count of the many full moon that pasts. I wish upon the moon Goddess to give you guidance to the next journey. Shine on you the peace and clarity of your next adventure.

I just hope you are well and are letting your hair down for a moment to see the world around you. Little finger, I miss you.