on this day ..

There are a few things I want to write and as usual I am trying to sum up further inspiration to expand my thoughts. One being today is my Mom’s birthday unfortunately we are unable to celebrate her 67^th birthday with her last year. She left us on the morning of her birthday. Some people or some stories could be true, some may not believe it but this one is real. She come and leave on the same day same month. And she left without much suffering further, though she had endure more before this.

I want to dedicate this paragraph and sum up everything to officially close this chapter ( I certainly hope to but I can’t force my heart) of my mourning. There’s already much being said about her, and me being me; has kept so many things inside and not sharing with anyone nor acknowledging the pain. I will always remember and love her, she will always be in my heart. No other love … I miss you and I will be strong to carry on, though my life has never been a smooth sailing before this. I hope things will only get better when my heart is at peace and found home.

Well just as I was having a quite Saturday afternoon not knowing what to do or where to be; television can be the best company one could have. “Holiday in Handcuff” don’t really know who’s the lead but decided to just watch anyway. As the story continues , a thought came. The things that we want so much or already had, are they the things that we REALLY want ? Every so often, our conscious mind manipulate our thoughts and keep assuring us that this is what we want, and there is where want to be … so on and so forth. But when we are there, had what we wanted, may be some will think. IS this really what I want ? People can be blinded by a blur vision of desire and not really seeing things as it should be. Its amazing when we allow ourselves to stop for a while and let the heart see instead of the eye, our heart can see much more clearer then our eyes. Some of us lives in a perfect world without any hitches; some of us works hard for our future and some are just content with what they have. Which are you ? DO you know what you want ? and are those you have now, are what you want in the first place ?

I am still working hard for what I want and will never feel contented because a life with contentment is too smooth sailing for me.

time will come when it is right

Today I visited a long time friend from another resort, Martinus had been a long time friend. And every time he sees me he never fails to invite me over to his place, and every time I will have reasons not to go. It is me if I don't like taking things for free, because there will be responsibility to come. This is me and its not easy.. I values commitment and credibility.

It's easy to take free things but it is not nice to owe people favours and simply not repaying them in return. Martinus is so so happy to see me, but it is just out of courtesy that i pay him a visit and not staying at his resort for free. And they are actually many more people that is they are aware of my presense in Manado will surely invites me over to stay at the properties. For once, I felt so welcome but also too much of attentions.

What I really want to say is, it really has been a long long time and Martinus never fails to invites me every time we meet for the past 4 years. I have been post-poning my trip to Manado over and again. So perhaps the time now is right for me to visit. And I know I will be returning to Manado soon again, because I really fell in love with Lembeh Hills Resort.

Its also funny that at the airport I met Mario, my divemaster during my last visit to Manado at Gangga Island Resort, an Italian owned resort. Its really funny how people will cross path again when its not done yet. Just this year July I met Mario back during the dive show in KL and never would I thought to see him again. Yet our path crossed and may cross again in the future as I am really interested in his place at Halmahera, with beautiful white sand beach.

This trip to Lembeh has been long overdue and I am so glad that I made it. And I have a strange feeling that it will be my 'home' for next year. I will be going again and again and again. But I will never get bore of it, the view is not only spectacular but magnificent !

Time will certainly come when it is right ..

not a normal Sunday ...

This morning was not my usual Sunday morning. I was waken up by the unknown ‘force’ no alarm nothing, just woke up naturally though I slept just after midnight. Took a peep at the door and the sky is on the way to slowly lit up. The night before I was contemplating whether to wake up early for a morning walk or not, so I set my alarm at 7am for the walk to the village nearby.

But when I woke up, it was only 5:05 am. Wanted to go back to the warm bed since there is another 2 hour to the set alarm, but the temptation to see the sky brighten up is just too much to pass. So I quickly wash my face, didn’t even brush my teeth and out I go. The sky is blue and the first orangey light came through the sky.

And the walk down to the village of Makawedeh is not as quiet as I thought it is. Most residents, mostly the females / mom / housewife had woken up and are sweeping their gardens of leaves or rubbish. They are most surprise to see me the outsider Chinese looking female to come walking pass their house. Some wishes 'pagi' (morning) some return a surprise smile when I smile at them. I have no idea where I want to go but just to keep walking until the road ends. I walked pass the village, up the hill to the next village and ends in Kasawari Resort, another resort whom the owner, Khun Poo, I have known for quite some years now. And each time I met him in Bangkok, he never give up inviting me to his resort. And yet until today I have not been to his resort at all. Not even his liveaboard Aqua One which he had sold off since the first time he invites me his dive operation.

Though it is less then 4km (erm no to and fro is more then 4km) the early morning walk uphill’s and down steep slopes was refreshing, it allows me the chance to re-connect with reality and nature as well as being in the moment with myself. It’s always nice to be able to live in the moment. Only thing is it will only be whole and complete if I am living in the moment, walking with the soul that is a mate to mine. Then will it be whole and complete !

And I asked myself too, will that day comes soon in the near future ? I never know, you never know and no one ever knows except the universe, except the mighty one out there who keeps testing us, fine tuning our soul, preparing us every day every minute to be a better person.

3 things that makes my heart smile ....

with its antenna tune up, mantis shrimp is paying attention to my lens !

the last 5 days while in Lembeh Hills Resort diving, there are 3 things that really makes me smile from my heart.

The first was the wrasse that keeps swimming in front of my camera lens trying to pose or being playful when I want to shoot the snout pipefish. The wrasse follows my camera and when I move it away it keeps swimming infront of the lens. I laughed when I saw it keep trying to follow my camera, chicky little wrasse.

The other is my divemaster’s smiling eye … I want to see 2 things which I keep repeating and asking to see ! Flamboyant cuttlefish and blue ring octopus. So on our 2^nd day diving, he was showing me this little cuttlefish when I saw the flamboyant ! and I pointed to him no not this cuttlefish .. THAT cuttlefish ! and to my surprise I see the biggest smiling eye that I have ever seen underwater ! His eyes were wide and big. Again his eyes were wide smiling when he spotted the blue ring this time as we descent and its like ok now I spotted the blue ring and we equal each other, he was so happy to show it to me as a proof of he can do better then me in spotting the small stuff ! ! We laugh so loud underwater, having equal each other. John is his name !

The other thing that melts my heart is the cute mantis shrimp that stick his head out and ever curious with its antenna tune UP to receive the signal. This guy is so cute and funny that it again put a smile to my face.

It is so funny how the universe use so many ways to allows us chances to see the beauty that is everyday, to be in one with it, and being in it. To appreciate all the little things that comes into our life. And most often things happens for a reason, it is up to us whether we are able to see the signals and hints that is given to us.

If I am not opening up my heart to see, I would not have seen the flamboyant and see that wide smiley eye ! if I am not allowing myself to see things from a bigger picture I would have shoo the wrasse away for blocking my lens, instead of playing with it for a while. If I did not really ‘see’ the mantis shrimp I would not have seen it having its antenna up and paying attention to my lens !

All these I am grateful that I have learned to see with my heart, having a heart that is able to see and feel at the same time is much better then having a heart that only know how to beats.

what is your heart doing now ?

boiling ..

** sudden urge to let this post out trigger by you **

I am afraid when December arrive, I am afraid to once again expose myself to vulnerability and pain. I did not really allow myself to mourn the death and deal with the pain a year ago. I should have but I did not, I keep myself so busy that I didn't allow any room for tears to flow in. I hurried my life, to get into the actions and bury all my sorrows and pains. I guess this is me, I was 'trained' to be strong, to protect myself from being hurt, not to be weak. And weakness must not be shown, but to be kept inside. Thats is the life of hunter that I was once train when young, a hunter must be strong and always stay strong. This I have to thank my dad which I despise so much now for having no emotions and always a loner. A hunter only knows how to hunt without mercy and pitiless, no feelings.

And from that I have never weep in front of anyone, not even a single tear of joy nor sorrow. But I was completely dismantle when Mom left .. my heart stops beating when I saw her lying motionless ! The moment I assure her that we will be fine, we are all grown ups and we will take care of ourselves that she don't have to worry about us anymore but to go in peace .. she took her last breath !

I am not going to forget how she will disagree with me but still stood by all my decisions, though I have made numerous mistakes in life she stood by, when I was at my darkest she stood by, she tried so hard to accept me the most rebellious child in the family, the one that worries her the most, the one black sheep of the family, she stood by ! The day I was born she start to live in fear (it was during the racial unrest period where curfews are implemented) and worry until the day she leave. Her duty as a mother is to worry about all her children but one that worries her the most .. just came back from the silent retreat, one that had taken a huge leap in a career change, one that have yet to settle down, one that is still searching and drifting out there ! One that still keeps her worry ...

I will be ok, Mom, I am more independent than your other children though sometimes the path that I take are not the normal path most people would go, but this is me the rebellious child that never cease to venture out ! I have your blood in me, the outspoken one and always leader of pack, always the ever curious one. The normal path is not for me and you. We are born during the war and times of unrest ! We both survive .... you do not want me to lead a hard life, when you try to delay my birth (Chinese believe that hard life will for those babies born during full moon or new moon) after Buddha's birthday on the 15th ! but it is destine that I will have to lead a hard life that is full of ups and downs. I had never regretted any, a life that is full of actions will be a life worth living in, rather then a dull passage/journey. I always tell myself, I am a survival, but this time I want to be more then a survival. I want to be a winner. And I will be a winner, I will prove this to you. It is my promise to you that I will take care of younger ones at home and myself. You can rest in peace !

* the hunter had since repent and awaken from the game and are waiting to allow all the emotions submerge beneath that strong identity to flow freely *

Risk taker, are you ?

I was chatting with an Italian buddy just now, sharing some of lives' intriguing moments updating each other news from both sides. She throw me a sentence that rings the bell.

Love and life is always a risk .. we risk our love and life to vulnerability ! To pain, sorrow, joy and happiness ! She is a risk taker as in me, we are both risk takers in a way that we both seek out what we believe is right. Only to experience it that we will know whether it is truly right or the other way.

Taking risk is all part of live and love; we never knows whether we will be the winner or loser until it ends, pre-maturely or it really survive till the end. By risking, our life path, our career choice or our heart we take the steps to seek out the truth what lies beneath our curiosity. I had always believed that a life that swing the fullest is a life truly liven and there's a saying, I live life rather then I pass through life.

Then again,if we try to see things from another angle, not everyone of us are game for it. Some of us are very careful not to risk as they may feel that it is better to be safe then sorry. That we should calculate every steps taken and not to make mistakes out of it. Not to hurt ourself nor other people along the way. Well again, life is to be live and lessons are to be learn, every one have their way of approaching things. We can never say this is the best way nor the ideal method.

I just find her statement to be so true for me, because we don't live for the past nor the future, we live in the present. And if the present moment is right then why hesitate ? But of course in every situation there must be a process, and that process have to be follow and not jump queue !

Oh wow .. amazing I gotta put this down. I was watching CSI Miami, it its amazing that someone did a party to celebrate singlehood, divorce ceremony ! *jaw drop* but well this is life. People do all sorts of things but yeah this is life, happy sorrow joy and pain. We go through it ! By risking we take steps to make our life better, feel better and venturing out of that comfort zone to experience things.

Are you a risk taker like me and my Italian buddy here ?

Pain

I was trying to find a topic to write, one did comes up. I was about to write about stalking but suddenly I want to write about pain. I thought I had written about pain before, but when I click back on my posts .. none ! I omitted this topic so much when I was no stranger to it at all.

I always say to myself "life is about how much we can endure, and still comes out unspoiled of it". It took me 3 years to come out of the 1st 'silent retreat'. Life gives us so much of pain and sorrow, and for us, those who can come out unspoiled of it are the learned one. Those who can over come the pain and sorrow will know what joy and happiness are. Coelho, my favorite writer, did asks whether we want happiness or joy ? Joy is everlasting, happiness is the surge of a moment ! But most often we end up in pain and sorrow before we can really find the everlasting joy !

Physical pain is healable but mental pain is lifetime. It will leave a lifetime memory and a scar deep enough to reminds us never to enter the trouble water again. But then again how many of us do really absorb the lesson and never enter into trouble water again ? We are not seeking pain but we are seeking what believe in, and most the time very often it happens that we maneuver the wrong corner and ended up in the wrong place and got ourself once again enduring the pain again. Such is life, the repeating lesson until it is learned.

Pain is inevitable in our life for without pain we don't know what happiness is about, without suffering we don't know what joy is ! It is all inter-related. When in pain we have to allow it time to heal be it physical or mental. If we push too hard for recovery it will snap and the wound may just continues to deteriorate and gets worse. We must allow time for the wound / pain to be over so that we can continue our journey !

Now are you in pain ? Have you allow your wound ample time to heal properly .. don't leave a deep scar !