moving on

I .. hesitating how to start the line for a moment. I want a massage just now as my shoulder is hurting alot. I frequent this massage place in Soi 33 (more famously known as Soi Renaissance as the bar names are all name after the Renaissance figures) But the shop SA Massage was not there anymore. It have change to Teen 3 massage with dark glasses ! When I was walking inside from the BTS station, I talk tot myself that I have not been here for almost 3 years now, is she still operating ? After the protest in May, a lot of people are jobless and things turn bad.

So I end up up going to next door, which seems more like a better place and to my shock the price of massage had drop, from 450 / 2 hr to 300/ 2 hr that I had with Khun Sa. Society divides and double with a corrupt government, people are the most badly affected. Couldn't imagine how anyone could survive when the price of goods increases without the price of wages being increase to go with it.

The second time, I felt sad was that the taxi driver told me that times are bad now, from this after 3pm (it was past midnight when I board his cab) till now he only get 500bht and gas cost him 200bht. And he pointed to me look so many taxis queueing up at the road side .. no passenger !

I travel to Bangkok very often, and this year its my 3rd time; and I have a feeling I will be here more often. But the society is so divided, the rich are really filthy rich, when the poor are really suffering. Making ends meet and merely surviving. And what is wrong when the poor tries to fight for their rights so that government take a look at its people ! Pay a little attention to the people who votes and serve them as they gave you their trust in governing them !

Life is so fragile that we never knows what happens next; I have only regrets that I didn't go earlier to SA's place. SHe took me as a very frequent customer, giving me fruits to eat while waiting and gave me her best masseur. I hope she is healthy and also life is taking care of her.

procrastinate

Sometimes we tend to wait a little longer when we know we should have done it right away, that it should not be left unattended. Our heart and head always play the Dr Jackryl and Mr Hyde game. Yes and No, just wait a little while lar.

In everyone of us there is always an urge to go for it, then again very often as well that there is something in that little corner telling us the opposite of what may be. Perhaps it's the fear of failure, perhaps it's the courage that is lack, or perhaps it's expectations of the outcome. We tend to procrastinate our action on what should've been done now. Some people wait their whole life and not realising what magic it would've done if they act on it now. Some regret their whole life for the passed chance. Then again, some may just fail when they act on it now. But then again, just that you know you have done and fail is always better then you have never act at all !

Life should be live and not just pass by, to fail and pick up to continue and perfecting the mistake is better then never had tried at all. After all life is not a smooth sailing course for it is these failures that will lead us to perfect and fine tune our lives better. Our ultimate reason in this journey on earth is to learn to be a better person so that no mistake is repeated the net time. Not measure by the amount of materials we own but by the amount of love that we give and receive in return. By the amount of knowledge and lesson we gather that leads us to wisdom and wise.

Even today I am a penniless person, I am learned. I was given the lesson to persevere and to continue on with my commitment to what I believe in. Rather then to change my course be someone whom I am not in order to be at par with people that are going after the wrong reason. Materials satisfaction is of second to the ultimate lesson one should learn form the situation. No matter how hard one needs from material satisfaction one should always not forget about the basic human nature and give in to the exterior pressure. All the pennies I earned will not be taken with me when I leave. All the pennies will be left behind to those who needs it most !

I am always not the person who will procrastinates, again lesson being given that I should not act in a haste. That may be I should wait a little longer, that I should look and see and evaluate.

There you are people acts differently in different stages of their life.

But never fear to go for it ! SO what stage are you now ?

a second chance

In the situation of life and death, there is just a very thin line between both. A very thin fine line and that line is being connected by will. When we have a strong will to die, we will let go of all and be in still. When we have a very strong will to survive, with all our might we want to continue breathing. Our will power dictates where we want to be and how we want to be.

Sometimes the more we struggle the worse the situation will become and very often just when we release off our struggle and let the flow be, we expect more then we envision it will be. Somehow my last encounter had given me a whole new perspective in life. I had done more then I should and I have been struggling too hard and too far ! I tried so much to see the outcome that I want it to happen. I want it my way. And very often it didn't come out the way I want it to be. One of Buddha's teaching is to welcome things with an open heart that is to let go of all expectations and struggle. Only will we be free from the burden of fear and failure.

I consider myself re-born to live life not the same way I should but better then I had. And always every person deserve a second chance, because no one is perfect. We repeat and repeat our mistakes to make ourselves a better person in the process of growing and learning.

To see the many things is so many angles and perspectives; sometimes to really listen and not by merely hearing. To see into things instead of just looking at it. Feel deeply with our heart rather then manipulated by our mind !

Does all these makes sense at all ? I seek to understand ...

Thank you so much for giving me a second chance,

Thank you for lifting me out from the struggle

I shall let you determine my destiny

on 13th August 2010 in Bali, it was Friday !

I don't know what to title this post. The last one week it was filled to the extreme .. new friendship ties, and strengthen another ! From someone casual to someone closer.

We had fun diving and sightseeing, we share jokes on food and people, from casual to close. And one incident change me forever, I am not sure. Just the day before, we were on top of the world with our wishes granted and permitted but the next day, at that same place we were brought to the entrance of hell .. teaching us the most important lesson in life, survival !

The whole group ( 7 of us including Divemaster Asa) was caught in the down current; we were separated as 2 groups; with one group hanging at the corals. And I was ok swimming near to the corals catching up on them. And when I turn back, I had no idea of what would come next. The only instinct is grab hold of her and not loss her. She is part of my responsibility, as I have unconsciously taken it from her buddy.

In that moment of struggle (we are being suck in the down current and me trying hard to inflate my BCD to lift 2 persons, we seems not to be moving up at all !! ) I was asking for help, I don't want to die. And I look up .. the sky is blue and visibility is clear from 20m ! I can see clearly the blue sky with white clouds ... I cry out for help, please help me ! And the next moment I know we are slowly lifted up to the surface.

The moment we were at the surface, my mind was on you where are you ? I keep asking the boatman where are you ? I told him in Bahasa one diver got drifted far out .. look far look out !! I was very worried for a moment, looking at the surface how far can the current brings you ! And a sausage came up floating, I thought it was the DM's but boatman says no ! then we pick up one more diver, yet there is no sign of you ! Where are you ?? Boat man decided to have a closer look whose diver is that ? A new sausage ! There you are the voice .. and I was relieved !

The rest I did not worry that much. Because the most important person at that moment is safe in my sight ! A friend in twitter asks me "who is in your mind?" I did not answer her immediately, because I wasn't sure what was in my mind. All I can think of is to be safe and when I am safe the next person in mind is you. The one that slip my hand; among the bubbles I saw you drifting away and within seconds was out of my sight !

I was frantically asking the boatman to look for you, but a different person show up ! I had to have my attention on her while in my heart and mind I had only you.

So in that very moment it was you in my mind. I was released from all others, I was set free and I think I am prepared for a new life !

Crossing path

The last few days was really amazing. How things unfold and how attractions works. Its a little amazing, just before I come I was reminded of my little test that I did with Law of attraction when I when to Laos' Luang Prabang. I make my mind to think of one design and surprisingly while sitting at one of the coffee shop a girl came with a bracelet that resembles the design exactly !!

SO it reminded me of the power of our subconscious mind. I thought of having mien kam on the first day of exhibition and told Poo. Then the next day Jee brought mien kam to the hall !!!

And the other amazing thing is, Maggie was telling me that the deep fried pork skin she bought will be best to be eaten with the yellow noodle from Manado. And just so happen that Mrs Sim's friend brought them the wantan mee from Yaowarat and would like to share it with us. Mrs Sim did offer Maggie earlier but she rejected. Then I again offer her, and she was like wow this is The noodle from Manado !!

And again good things happen, we were walking along Kao San rd for Maggie and Calvin to experience the hip place. This guy came from behind and pointing at my green teddy bear bag saying he printed it ... but I couldn't remember his face as it was 5 years ago !!! I too could not remember where I bought it, it could be a night market somewhere. Pitch is his name. His face, his happiness shows so much when he saw that his art is being aprreciated. I really like this bag !! the one thing that attracts me to it immediately is the striking red heart ! he was halfway painting it when I saw it, I think it was at the Ratchprasong interchange near to Erawan Shrine I bought this bag. I told him I wait for it to dry, I want the bag !

Then again, since the day of arriving Bangkok, I have been in up and down; yes and no; trying to play out scenes if we do meet/bum into each other. I really miss you 'little finger'

claustrophobe

Last Sunday, we went to the local mall nearby and it was the last day of school holiday as well as Father’s Day, so it pretty full in the car park and we have to move to the highest level.

Lift came went in with 2 more people, and it was full. So the next level down, came another family of 5 squeezing in; being the tolerant and culture we have in this multi racial country. Most of us keep quite. The door closed but was having a little problem closing actually. DANG !!! it jammed !!!! we are being lock inside !!!

And no one acted anything, I ask the boy nearest to the emergency phone to press the button asking for help. This “ah Pek” from the family was yelling and shouting ... from his voice one can hear of his desperation and fear ! It is just a lift jam not a dying situation.

I am claustrophobic but I am not like him .. he is so extremely hyper, calling out to his friend yelling and banging the lift door asking for help. When clearly the maintenance guy had given instruction to wait they are coming to help. Still Ah Pek is afraid that he keep calling out to his friend outside and banging the door. Until I have to tell to him keep quite and not doing anything, the maintenance guy say wait and he is rectifying the problem. Bare in mind all these yelling and banging happens within less then 10mins. And we are out of the lift in less then 15 mins !!! I would say the maintenance is very efficient, may be due to too regular breakdown.

I do not understand why he had acted that way, when his sons and daughter even wife is quiet and waiting. Didn’t even show any sign of fear but him; he was so frantic. At that moment, he really acted and clearly show his fear. What is he afraid of ? I have to admit that when I walk out of the lift, I felt dizzy. And need to get fresh air kind of feeling though luckily inside the lift the ventilation fan is working well.

But what really intrigue me is the way this guy reacted, so annoying and so paranoid !! Always remember, and I always keep in mind whenever there is a crisis stop think act; there is no point panicking ...

drift

I couldn’t write, I can’t see and I can't absorb what is around me. I was so self centered and lost. I really felt lost and drifting away. My mind is not focus, for whatever reason I wasn’t sure. It could be that I am tire, physically and mentally. As I grow, my body resistance tends to weaken. As I hit more walls my soul and spirit become more tire and weary then before. And the more walls one hit the more fear grows and the more resilient we built.

Age could have a part in it, as I prepare to face my next decade. I have never felt so tire before. Perhaps the last decade have utilise all my energy without reservation and go to the maximum. I suddenly lost the passion to drive on. And with my mind so weak and lost I couldn’t perform as what a Gemini is best at, powerful thoughts and mental stimulations. My body is telling me everyday that it is tire, but this cannot be. This cannot be the condition any longer, I know somewhere inside me knows that I need to get out, get up and move on. One small steps will leads to another bigger one. And then just as I step up, I hit the wall again, stumble and fall.

I hit the wall, I sit there, recuperate and stand up, I again hit the wall, quickly stand up, then again I hit, this time .. I just sit there staring blankly ahead !

A friend told me that for whatever reason I must not give up, because behind those dark clouds always they will be silver lining. I know deep down inside me I will never give up, I will find ways to carry on; but of late there are many question that I ask myself the reason I have to carry on. I can't seems to answer any. Perhaps, I have push myself too hard or I have not done enough ?

The more I force myself to try to find away out of the situation the more frustration I come into. Sometimes, it is best to just let it be when we know all that we want to do have been done. I am learning to be patience but the waiting is always excruciating and painful.

What else can be done then ?