March 11th, 2011

On this day, an earth quake with a 9.0 richter scale hit off Honshu Island triggering a massive tsunami in Miyagi and areas surrounding it. We were at Berau's hotel of which now I have forgotten it's name. Daniel wave frantically for me to go in; as I raise my head to watch the TV clips. My heart stop a second, and my whole body was numb, I was speechless. The next 5 mins is wild ! Thoughts running wild in my head, the amount of lives lost ! Lost of love ones, lost of life ! For those who survive, it is torture. It is madness to see all your love ones and life lost in a minute ! Everything was gone. Wash away, cars, houses everything ! I only have one thing in my mind, to keep my closest informed of my being. To let them know I am ok and don't worry it will not hit East Kalimantan, as we are protected.

At that moment my life seems so precious, my thoughts was I don't know if I will survive tomorrow. Never would have thought that tsunami will hit again ! And that moment after, my minds was focus on one single person who had actually occupying my thoughts the past few days before. How will things have affected the other side, will the warning be affecting them. My texts goes out and warn to take pre-caution. Just take care and be caution. And it was suppose to be a birthday celebration; this day will be a memorable one !

And things that I have been mulling over, I kind of decides immediately that I will just go ahead. I really do not know what will happens next, because life seems so short and fragile. The courage I got from the TV clips is huge. It really pushes me to go ahead. Then again though I was being rejected but I know I have done it and not going to regret anything if I am to leave tomorrow. I never know if I will live pass this week, I don't even know if I will wake up tomorrow morning either. But as for now, I live without regret. I go forward to do what I feels should be done and should be express.

A lot of times we think, should we or shouldn't we. The back and forth of pushing forward or just let it pass. May be some will say, just let it in order not to hurt the other party. Don't say it. Then again, shouldn't we be honest and frank ? To also let the other party a chance to know what is happening ? We live only once and to bring too many loads on our shoulder is heavy and for me it's just too damn tire. We should off load all that is in our heart and mind, set them free, voice them out and do not let it be the burden to our already purpose full lesson of life.

We never know what tomorrow is going to be, not even the magic crystal ball can tell precisely. So get up and go, just do it. What ever that may comes, let it be. For today may just be your last, that you may not see the light tomorrow.

forgiveness

Life's gives us lessons that will makes us grows and allows us to see things from many angles so that we are able to learn from it. I guess forgiveness, be it giving or taking, is a one tough subject to even get a pass !

Be it forgiving or seeking forgiveness, both acts needs tons of courage and tears shed before it is taken in and both parties move on. To forgive is the most difficult to give and to seek forgiveness we need tons of courage.

For us to forgive, we need to gain the trust back, once the trust is broken, our heart is torn apart. We need time to meant it, time to heal all pains. Until the day we are able to to fully heal our heart and build the trust, forgiveness will never suffices.

In seeking for forgiveness, we need to prove that we are worthy of forgiving and shall never repeat the act again. Otherwise it means nothing to seek for forgiveness.

I ask for your forgiveness for my negligence, I ask for forgiveness for my silliness, I also ask for forgiveness for my rudeness, I ask for your forgiveness that I never listen to your advise, I am sorry for what I have did to make you sad, to make you angry. Have you ever seek for forgiveness ?

Have you forgiven ? Did you seek for forgiveness ?

just when ..

Most often when we stop expecting and allow things to unfold, just when we surrender to the flow to let it brings us what ever that is going to be.

I was feeling so blessed the last week when all along I have wanted to see the mimic octopus and skeleton shrimp but have not the chance and luck. Last week both show up and to add to the bonus is the arrowhead decorated crab ! It is what I have implanted in my memory the green triangle thing .. the arrowhead ! it shows up, and much to my biggest surprise is the mimic, when I told the others this will be the slimmest of chance to see.

It all happened and I am truly truly happy; not forgetting the happy giggling of John and Robby underwater. Their smiling eyes and laughter's make me felt full.

I share with you this

They are MY dreams, it has come true ! I hope I can now set some new ones for me to continue dreaming.

Answer

[ I was blocked for the past 2 months. My mind was full of thoughts and emotions movements from physical to mental to spiritual. But I can write none. things are moving from too many direction to too many directions. I can absorb none. I don't know why, I tries to ask .. ]

How many time have you try to ask about what's happening ? What is the matter with me ? Why ? In our lives we asks thousands of questions, the funniest part is most of the question asked the answer is already there ... there infront of us. Inside us, we already have the answer; we just couldn't bring ourselves to agree to it that's all.

In every doubts that surfaces in our mind, our heart has already prepare for it and have got the answers readied. we have the answer within us that makes us who we are all, our mind is the creator and destroyer of who we are, the answers to the questions.

I was trying to fight very hard my whole life to try to get as many answers to all the doubts and curiosity I have in me. I thrive for knowledge of life, I thrive to know everything so that I can control every single movement and steps to be taken. All the answers I wanted was just there right in front of me ! ME is the answer to all the question I have asked.

When we start asking a certain question, almost all the time we do already have an answer to it; either A or B. And almost all the time, we do know what the answer will be in our heart, deep down in our heart. We just ignore it because it is not what hope to be.

Our connections with our spiritual self are always overlook because it is not logic to follow our feelings and intuition, it is just a feeling ! No logical explanation is able to give a good answer to this one. When we ask for guidance, the path is already there in front of us; we just refuse to see it. When we surrender and be still, be at peace with our thoughts and feelings, then we are able to open our minds to see and listen to our heart; I take a quote from Reepicheep *Chronicles of Narnia* Believe is all we got Trust our own feelings and always listen to the heart for answers to all our questions. No else can provide us the answer to our doubts.

What are you asking now ?

Every cloud have a silver lining ... ?

I have not written for a long long time now, partly due to the lost of inspiration and also my self centreness. Lately a lot of things are evolving around me, internal and external factor all together.

Things always happens for a reason, and when what we expect does not come to us now could be because we are not ready for it, hence we are not being given. And when the time is right we will have it without due. Things always happen for a reason and no matter how disappointed we are or delighted as it may seems, always feel blessed that it happens, and always for a reason !

My feelings swing from left to right, I was very disappointed and sad; but guess all the lessons bestow upon me had me taught me to see things from a different perspective that it's a relief that it didn't happen. As I was also dragging my feet for it to happen. And may be its also a blessing in disguise.

I don't know what to say; as it is truly amazing when you belief in the universe and surrender to it. Let go all your expectations as you have already done what you have possibly done trying to make things happen, you just have to trust that the universe is doing all its mean to make it happen for you. This is what I am feeling now. It happens, when you just let it be; do not force things, opening up my heart to allow abundance to flows in.

Then again, it is not without doing nothing. Just allowing the result to be. It is the journey that makes us whole not the destiny itself.

I'm still learning, and the journey is still ongoing. I thank you who still allows me to have faith and continue opening up my heart to have hope returning to me.

familiar yet distance

I have always find Hong Kong to be a familiar place, a place then is familiar to me. But deep down it seems to be a distance, the crowded streets, the fast moving pace of basically everything; from the traffic to the people to the daily lives. For example, waitress would not wait and let us sit there reading our the menu on our own to fast moving escalators and people walking in a speedy motion. One may call it efficiency but its just not a place for me to live in.

Then again I have always find food and people to be familiar, a sense of closeness to them. Perhaps somehow may be in my past past life I lived here before.

Somehow its really funny, how we can experience that sense of deja vu every now and then. Its really unexplainable even in science. But it does happens.

moving on II

Suddenly I was being reminded of 'little finger'; I kinda miss the intensity we shared before. And I was wondering whether you had already move on. Your pain still felt like a sharp penetration into my heart. The intensity of your suffering and pain is still very vivid in me and my heart.

I do sincerely hope that you have move on, and I am not going to miss those moments. Rather would hope that it will pass soon. Today is especially vulnerable when you came into my mind. Then again you will always always have a special spot in my heart and mind. ALl the pain you have suffer, I suffer with you; all the tears you flow I flow too. the shrapnel of the shatter glasses, can be remove piece by piece however the cuts and wounds need times to heal. I heal with you.

It may not be possible it is true, I felt for what you feel. I breath the air you breathed. I see the moon you admire and lost count of the many full moon that pasts. I wish upon the moon Goddess to give you guidance to the next journey. Shine on you the peace and clarity of your next adventure.

I just hope you are well and are letting your hair down for a moment to see the world around you. Little finger, I miss you.