touching base

Dinner tonight with the gang, people that I have known for more then 30 years, was relaxing and also a way for me to come back to reality and being myself. The quiet me. It's so natural that you know you can be yourself with them, there is no need to wear any kind of mask; they are my anchor just when I think I am floating away, just when I need to stay balance, just when I think I just need some company. The girls are as usual ever talkative and complaining but that's the fun part as well as the string that pulls me back when I am drifting out in the open sea.

It's not a very spectacular night, just some plain and simple dinner, seeing the faces and happily chatting away, with the little boy getting all the attentions *_* these are the people I can be myself and need not be weary of any hidden agendas. These are the people that do no care who I am in the society, what I am. They are just there for life !

And during the chat, my mind kept flying far away in the universe. Patience and Mom .. the 2 words that rings ! A friend had problems with patience with her Mom who is diagnose with breast cancer and are undergoing chemotherapy, I use to be exactly like her. Losing my patience, but now I don't have that chance anymore. Mom left a year ago on Dec 19th ... we did not have the chance to celebrate her birthday cause she left us on her birthday. My mind had been flashing back what happens a year ago... the pain of losing her on the morning of her birthday ... I did not allow myself enough time to mourn and heal, cause I want to offer myself as example to everyone that its ok and we should continue to be strong and live on ... but I am not inside here. It still hurts me alot. And soon her birthday is here again. I don't know whether I can be that strong to let things pass and to truly move on.

But I am glad today I am able to be myself infront of the girls, listening to them complaining about their husband, mom and son ! It's just simple, pleasant though none concerns me.

how long did you touch base since ? perhaps its time now .. don't you think so ?

Grateful that the heart still feels

When I read this sentence from a fellow twitterer just now, it struck me instantly ! I too am being grateful that after so much of obstacles and failures, lessons and classes, my heart is still able to feel. Isn't it amazing ? That after so much of what had happened to my heart that I am still feeling ! !

I am not immune, I am still alive ! I also want to share a little here. Recently 2 persons that is from the circle of my life is having their marriage problem and I don't know to consider myself honour or otherwise. They share their sadness with me, their problems and also their sorrows. Of all the people, ME ? This is certainly the joke of the century.. I of all the people have been searching all my life about LOVE; suffering, passing, avoiding, fearing from it and still it is eluding from me.

Of all the people, how could I be qualify to advise them ? In fact I didn't, all I did was just assuring them that what they have chosen to do now is right .. is what is best for them. Because in actual fact there is not right or wrong to what is now. I learn from all my pain and sorrows that we cannot fix a certain formula nor recipe to the current situation. Me, you and her are all different we are not clones to each other and we are not genetic. We are not the same our feelings and situation are not.

No way is the best way out of any situation when matters of the heart are involve. We just have to let our heart decide what we feel and what feels right ! To deal with heart let the heart decide, never allows the head to over rule ! And I cannot give them a specific directions to do this or do that, because they themselves have to decide what they want for themselves, NOT me. And in a deep corner of their heart, they would have decided already what they want to do or will do. Human is all stubborn, until we do it we will never listen or believe what is say. SO when the heart have tried, it will know when to leave and throw the towel.

For me I guess I am still puzzle why they came to me, I mean pour out to me. Clueless 0_o

saddened ..

One of the reason why I have alway refuse to read papers are either its suicide or rape or abandon children. This morning the news of Daul Kim had me still pondering why at her age of 20, she ended her journey pre-maturely ? The depression and stress for someone who is at the helm of her work. From the vlog she shot of herself and fellow colleagues, she seems to be a smart gal, but perhaps she is a misfit. In the worng place for the wrong reason. She should be pursuing other interest that can satisfy her interest and needs rather then staying in the fast track.

I don't know Daul but I feel very sad and sympathize her; her suicide at such a young age is making me thinking why what is actually behind her mind and why ?? the big WHY ! ?, why would a gal her age, a tender 20, wants to end her life ? What is she thinking ? Life is so precious and those who a critically ill fight with all their might to take that extra breath of air .. everyday is a new day, a learning day, an adventure that is never ending.

I do agree on a certain extend that when we are alone and felt out of place, being alienated and alone have no love one nor close one to share the joy and sorrow, all sorts creepy ideas come up ! And also I understand that not all of us are mentally strong ..

What about you ? have you thought of ending your journey pre-maturely ?

Most educative trip ever ...

I just had a trip to Mabul island staying with Borneo Divers. This trip brings together alot of people that had touched me in a lot of aspects, Clement Lee, my ex-boss from the Borneo Divers, Tengku Adlin, which I still remember our first meet during Mabul marine day where we share a light chat, a person that I simply admire for his passion in what he is doing, he leads and inspire.

Clement and Jamhariah having a light moment ...

Terengganu meets Sabah ..... an exchange of inspiring topics and discussion that had enlightened the person in between !

Tengku Adlin presenting Sabah ..

Tengku Adlin sharing his story when he first arrive Sabah .. a Kelantan prince in Sabah !

karma

Do you believe in karma ? What goes around comes around if not in this life perhaps it will in your next life, one day it will comes back. All religion teaches us about this, so that ALL of us will do good. But sometimes it is beyond our control that we do unto another soul something bad, or hurt someone indirectly.

It is funny how all religion in this world keep reminding everyone of us to be good and act good, but all these teachings and messages are always mend to be ignore and broken. Many goes against what is being taught and did most the opposite.

Now I am not going to touch on this topic. What I want to talk about is how funny the world is that it has a way of its own in writing a story. Karma connects all of us, we are all tied up in a string, I just watched CSI last night where Crimson talk about the String theory. Every object human or otherwise are tie to a string, and all are inter-related, everyone of us are inter-related, one leads to the other.

I met someone recently and we have less then may be 20 sentences in total of chat time in 5 days ? But the feelings is like we have known each other through a strange feeling, its not that we physically know each other before but may be our soul known each other from a different life. I went through her facebook and I saw a picture of her that makes me feel like I have seen this face before, its familiar ! Its strange and it feels like we have come a long way. Then again I know nothing much about her judging from our few sentences of mere greetings rather then a real conversation.

This again, makes me ponder about the topic of soulmate I have just finished on a book by Coelho; soulmate when met in next life can instantly felt a closeness of each other but may not be united in this world as each have evolved, may be one have found a new soul mate and keep evolving. But somehow the feeling of closeness is there. And instantly you know that this person you can trust fully, that you can be safe with this person. And you can instantly connects.

Have this ever happens to you before ? You meet someone and you have a strange feeling of that person and its really like you have known each other from somewhere. But yet this life you know nothing about that person at all until now.

the end ..

It suddenly comes to me .. do you know when the end is coming ? I mean we could have been engage in doing a job, to a person, or any thing in that matter; but do we know when the end will comes ? OR do we know that it will lasts forever on the other hand ? A marriage of 10 years, 15 years could just end ... anything could just end tomorrow; our life, our job, our relationship !

I guess the answer is no, we don't know and never will know. The End. It seems lies on the hand of the most powerful universe or we can say God, the creator of the universe. And since we never know when the end is coming, why are we still procrastinating on making our life a happier and more meaningful one ?

I know I want to live each day as if its the end, and make the best of it without being intoxicated by poisons and darts from all over. When we don't know when the end is near, why would we want to keep ourself busy with hurting more people instead of helping them out ! Why do we still want to be wary of people .. why can't we just live a true and meaningful life ? Well of course I am having wishful thinking hoping for the ultimate honesty which is not going to happen !

Since we don't know when the end will comes, why don't we just do it ?

When the new is here do you get rid of the old ?

I had posted this in my face book recently and would like to re-post it here

" The recent months/weeks/days .. I was lucky enough to make friends with many people from all over north south east and west ; some are fun, interesting, cool, warm, cute, and some are uptight and some are just few hours encounters ! BUT ALL walks into my life with a very unique way ...

These may be people that will walk with me the rest of my journey on earth, some may be just casual acquaintances no matter how they came into my life at this moment. Perhaps teaching me or giving lesson on human relationship. Some how everyone of you OLD and NEW are people that I valued in my life and wants to keep for the rest of my life !

Friendships OLD or NEW is never and not meant to be rid of, unlike any material belonging that we own, when the new one comes we have to get rid of the old stock ! FRIENDSHIP is NEVER too old to keep ^_^ thank you for being my friend and remain my friend "

I want to add in a few ... that at this moment in my life suddenly there are so many people coming into it that I was so blessed with each new encounters. Thank you.

Phuket re-visit

It has been 17 years since my last visit to Phuket island. I can't even recognize the airport nor Patong beach ! Totally no idea how it is like before and now after tsunami.

And yet this trip to Phuket I have not much time to really walk around and meet people from the road. It was so rush that I hardly really have time to take a breath.

Nonetheless it was fun, kinda reminds me of those days, leading tours having fun and also reunion with some old friends like Grace and Dorrell. On the 1st day of departure, I shock myself with a little nervousness. Jump up and thought that I left my passport behind ! But it has been my habit that I put my passport in the bag the night before, the rest is not important ! Kinda nervous as I have not lead any tours for 15 years now ! !

Here the whole gang that the gala dinner a success !

The waiters / waitress are so sporting and play to our tune...

This one is especially playful ...

I couldn't believe myself that I return to my old days of wild wild fun ...

Its really nice to be a part of this team though there are some hiccups here and there but personally for me, its what goes around comes around. Somehow is our journey we tend to be brought back to things that we left behind and thought that it will never comes back to us. BUT universe always have a way of its own, if it is unfinished it has to be finish ! And now its done and over with ! I did have fun and felt at home, it reminds me of my days leading tour with Marco Polo Holidays. And now it is finally over and done with.