Time heals or wears

Time heals or wears

I had always believe that time heals any wounds, but does it really weave its magic by healing? Or time wears us down, all our might and energy to fight, our pain and sorrow. The longer we deal with it the longer we stay with it, the more we suffers over it.

Then again if we don’t allow our heart to mourn the pain and rush it to heals, we will not heals fully. Again, if allowing it too long to heal, it will wears us down. So how long is long, how soon is soon ?

No one can predict or gives you any specific time to heal or mourn. We are all trying always to find the perfect formula to everything we do but we also forgot that in dealing with the heart, there is truly no perfect formula or recipes for success.

It is that moment in time, that what we feels is right and to do it right. I think I have allow myself over the limit timing to heal and keeps bouncing back and forth with hope and lack of courage to deal with my heart. It is in every human nature that we just want to cling on for a little longer, hoping for a second chance. Of which sometimes not everyone have that, even though I think we should all be given that, a second chance.

Had time heals you or wears you ? Is it time to deal with it ?

scrap the old thoughts

I suddenly feels like writing again.

This year I wasn't so active in writing,one of the main reason is that heart is not feeling much. I am a person who feels and always feeling. If the heart is not feeling I felt like block and trap in a space that is empty every corner. And this year I have tried to reverse all my thoughts, I am sure that you too have this kind of feelings. It's in all of us, when some thoughts come up in our mind which our subconscious keeps playing, and our head thought 'nah this can't be' the mind automatically brushes what ever that was playing in our heart just that moment that we 'hope' will happens.

Why we brushes aside that thought that we thought may not happen at all ? Why ? Why the 'nah it will not happen' ? Why can't we be positive and embraces it, believe that is will happens ? This is what I am doing exactly, whenever each time a thought comes up and when I try to brush it aside, I quickly remind myself YES, I am embracing this good thought to happen. I want it to happen, I am worthy of receiving it ! and Why not ?

A lot of times, when we don't believe in our self we will think that we don't deserve to be treated good. Things do get better and patterns do change too. If we are alert to our surroundings and open for change, our mind can change too.

Recently, I have so many things coming to my mind, and all are good things that I hope will come true. Just when I want to brush it aside, I say NO. Why not ? It can be true, I can happen to me, things change.

Have you had this kind of thinking before ? Is it time to change that negative thinking ?

the first time we meet

A friend from facebook juts posted a question, the first time we meet, how was it, how we meet, what are the impact, feel, the experience is.

The first time we meet, I was sitting on a table alone, visiting for the firs time, you were not exemption al just another staff working in the resort. For 2 nights I notice your routine with another fellow co-worker. I was alone and kept to myself, always me just keep quiet and observe with open eyes and open ears, because my other interest is looking at people. Just being a curious onlooker.

For 2 consecutive nights, I was watching you. Not going to approach you nor expose my identity. Just being there without knowing each other. You have a big warm smile. You are polite in your movements.

You may not be the most beautiful in the dining hall, but you stands out in my little heart. My attention somehow my focus point is on you. Trying to read who you are. Because my presence was not immediately known to you. I have not identify myself to the dive centre yet.

On the first time we actually meet, my heart was pounding fast and blood pressure rising when you walk out the office and greeted me. And when you brings me around for a short tour of the area, my cheeks are all red and heart pumping even faster. My whole body was like jumping up and down; I have not felt such way for a very long time. The intensity of my body and heart was so in sync. I felt the instant attraction, but was not overly reacting to it. After all I as more concern of the group's arrival then thinking of anything more.

Your big warm smile together with your friendly and attentive nature triggers my feelings and get my antennal's up !

The first time we met, the feelings are gradual and pleasant. It feels right and it feels good too !

hybernating

I have not much posts lately mainly due to the jumble up feelings as well as trying hard to find back my footings and swimming against the current.

I know I know just follow the tide and let it leads me where ever I am destine to be. This is precisely what I am doing, just be in the moment.

Until I am feeling again ....

New

After a period of hiatus, hibernation or whatever you may call it, I feel new again. On a few circumstances and that only justify my believe that a person should always feel positive about life, the more you are pessimistic the more you be ! As what is always been preached, attracts the positive power.

I have been going through a tons of reflections and thinking, and it is how one need to do to be a better person. The journey so far had been full of blessings and re-new energy everyday just when you want to give up, a new turn, a new twist, a new hope, a new light, comes in. This is the magical journey of life !

And just when one ends, begins another or as it may always been the journey continues, a new chapters starts. So there is never an ending story .. it just keep unfolding. I was so obssess with Jodi Picoult's Sing You Home last week an amazingly my reading habits comes back, which normally I always have problem and fear of ending a story too fast. But I did not hesitates to finish it, which I did in 5 days (466 pages, every page is a new experience) It brings new perspective to me, new eye and new mind !

At the same time, I felt new. A new eye in seeing things, a new mind to allow flows of thoughts, a new heart to feel ! and at the same time, I was given a new friendship ! You just know the feeling is good and that its going to be nice company !

With so many new, I am thrown the choice to be optimistic or keeping the pessimist creeping up ! I do not want to give a minute of doubts, because when the doubts settles in is when the battle is half lost !

I am always the cat, who is always curious and always seeking the new eye in seeing new things and seeking new experiences.

Are you ?

FREE

Well today this morning had the chance of having McD breakfast, the egg McMuffin with chicken ham is reaaaly good ! Don’t mind having it again. Well the reason why I want to write is there’s this lady, while I was queuing up at the counter, I saw her standing in front of the cashier but wasn’t aware what she was doing thought she wanted to jump queue. But when my turn is up ordering, and the moment she saw that my total order was above RM5 she immediately come up and ask for a free meals with the coupons she have on hand. She had around3 or 4 on hand, free 2 big breakfast ! and my instant reaction was is she from some sort of orphanage or old folks home or some charity organisation ?

She was standing for almost 30 – 40 mins waiting for the next customer with a purchase of RM5 and above ! Though she is rude but I guess every customer that she approach wouldn’t mind her asking for help. After all, she mean no harm. It’s just a mean of survival. She is redeeming it for … her family ? her fellow peers ? I was for a minute, if me ? I can’t .. the act of asking for help from people this way, will demean my self esteem. But then again, when the situation forces you, will you do it ? See we take for granted in many other things in life, and this is a way for getting free food for those unfortunate.

I kept thinking, if me, will I be able to do what she is doing ? Asking for help to get free food ? Will I feel embarrassed or a shame to do so ?

March 11th, 2011

On this day, an earth quake with a 9.0 richter scale hit off Honshu Island triggering a massive tsunami in Miyagi and areas surrounding it. We were at Berau's hotel of which now I have forgotten it's name. Daniel wave frantically for me to go in; as I raise my head to watch the TV clips. My heart stop a second, and my whole body was numb, I was speechless. The next 5 mins is wild ! Thoughts running wild in my head, the amount of lives lost ! Lost of love ones, lost of life ! For those who survive, it is torture. It is madness to see all your love ones and life lost in a minute ! Everything was gone. Wash away, cars, houses everything ! I only have one thing in my mind, to keep my closest informed of my being. To let them know I am ok and don't worry it will not hit East Kalimantan, as we are protected.

At that moment my life seems so precious, my thoughts was I don't know if I will survive tomorrow. Never would have thought that tsunami will hit again ! And that moment after, my minds was focus on one single person who had actually occupying my thoughts the past few days before. How will things have affected the other side, will the warning be affecting them. My texts goes out and warn to take pre-caution. Just take care and be caution. And it was suppose to be a birthday celebration; this day will be a memorable one !

And things that I have been mulling over, I kind of decides immediately that I will just go ahead. I really do not know what will happens next, because life seems so short and fragile. The courage I got from the TV clips is huge. It really pushes me to go ahead. Then again though I was being rejected but I know I have done it and not going to regret anything if I am to leave tomorrow. I never know if I will live pass this week, I don't even know if I will wake up tomorrow morning either. But as for now, I live without regret. I go forward to do what I feels should be done and should be express.

A lot of times we think, should we or shouldn't we. The back and forth of pushing forward or just let it pass. May be some will say, just let it in order not to hurt the other party. Don't say it. Then again, shouldn't we be honest and frank ? To also let the other party a chance to know what is happening ? We live only once and to bring too many loads on our shoulder is heavy and for me it's just too damn tire. We should off load all that is in our heart and mind, set them free, voice them out and do not let it be the burden to our already purpose full lesson of life.

We never know what tomorrow is going to be, not even the magic crystal ball can tell precisely. So get up and go, just do it. What ever that may comes, let it be. For today may just be your last, that you may not see the light tomorrow.

forgiveness

Life's gives us lessons that will makes us grows and allows us to see things from many angles so that we are able to learn from it. I guess forgiveness, be it giving or taking, is a one tough subject to even get a pass !

Be it forgiving or seeking forgiveness, both acts needs tons of courage and tears shed before it is taken in and both parties move on. To forgive is the most difficult to give and to seek forgiveness we need tons of courage.

For us to forgive, we need to gain the trust back, once the trust is broken, our heart is torn apart. We need time to meant it, time to heal all pains. Until the day we are able to to fully heal our heart and build the trust, forgiveness will never suffices.

In seeking for forgiveness, we need to prove that we are worthy of forgiving and shall never repeat the act again. Otherwise it means nothing to seek for forgiveness.

I ask for your forgiveness for my negligence, I ask for forgiveness for my silliness, I also ask for forgiveness for my rudeness, I ask for your forgiveness that I never listen to your advise, I am sorry for what I have did to make you sad, to make you angry. Have you ever seek for forgiveness ?

Have you forgiven ? Did you seek for forgiveness ?

just when ..

Most often when we stop expecting and allow things to unfold, just when we surrender to the flow to let it brings us what ever that is going to be.

I was feeling so blessed the last week when all along I have wanted to see the mimic octopus and skeleton shrimp but have not the chance and luck. Last week both show up and to add to the bonus is the arrowhead decorated crab ! It is what I have implanted in my memory the green triangle thing .. the arrowhead ! it shows up, and much to my biggest surprise is the mimic, when I told the others this will be the slimmest of chance to see.

It all happened and I am truly truly happy; not forgetting the happy giggling of John and Robby underwater. Their smiling eyes and laughter's make me felt full.

I share with you this

They are MY dreams, it has come true ! I hope I can now set some new ones for me to continue dreaming.

Answer

[ I was blocked for the past 2 months. My mind was full of thoughts and emotions movements from physical to mental to spiritual. But I can write none. things are moving from too many direction to too many directions. I can absorb none. I don't know why, I tries to ask .. ]

How many time have you try to ask about what's happening ? What is the matter with me ? Why ? In our lives we asks thousands of questions, the funniest part is most of the question asked the answer is already there ... there infront of us. Inside us, we already have the answer; we just couldn't bring ourselves to agree to it that's all.

In every doubts that surfaces in our mind, our heart has already prepare for it and have got the answers readied. we have the answer within us that makes us who we are all, our mind is the creator and destroyer of who we are, the answers to the questions.

I was trying to fight very hard my whole life to try to get as many answers to all the doubts and curiosity I have in me. I thrive for knowledge of life, I thrive to know everything so that I can control every single movement and steps to be taken. All the answers I wanted was just there right in front of me ! ME is the answer to all the question I have asked.

When we start asking a certain question, almost all the time we do already have an answer to it; either A or B. And almost all the time, we do know what the answer will be in our heart, deep down in our heart. We just ignore it because it is not what hope to be.

Our connections with our spiritual self are always overlook because it is not logic to follow our feelings and intuition, it is just a feeling ! No logical explanation is able to give a good answer to this one. When we ask for guidance, the path is already there in front of us; we just refuse to see it. When we surrender and be still, be at peace with our thoughts and feelings, then we are able to open our minds to see and listen to our heart; I take a quote from Reepicheep *Chronicles of Narnia* Believe is all we got Trust our own feelings and always listen to the heart for answers to all our questions. No else can provide us the answer to our doubts.

What are you asking now ?