moving on

I .. hesitating how to start the line for a moment. I want a massage just now as my shoulder is hurting alot. I frequent this massage place in Soi 33 (more famously known as Soi Renaissance as the bar names are all name after the Renaissance figures) But the shop SA Massage was not there anymore. It have change to Teen 3 massage with dark glasses ! When I was walking inside from the BTS station, I talk tot myself that I have not been here for almost 3 years now, is she still operating ? After the protest in May, a lot of people are jobless and things turn bad.

So I end up up going to next door, which seems more like a better place and to my shock the price of massage had drop, from 450 / 2 hr to 300/ 2 hr that I had with Khun Sa. Society divides and double with a corrupt government, people are the most badly affected. Couldn't imagine how anyone could survive when the price of goods increases without the price of wages being increase to go with it.

The second time, I felt sad was that the taxi driver told me that times are bad now, from this after 3pm (it was past midnight when I board his cab) till now he only get 500bht and gas cost him 200bht. And he pointed to me look so many taxis queueing up at the road side .. no passenger !

I travel to Bangkok very often, and this year its my 3rd time; and I have a feeling I will be here more often. But the society is so divided, the rich are really filthy rich, when the poor are really suffering. Making ends meet and merely surviving. And what is wrong when the poor tries to fight for their rights so that government take a look at its people ! Pay a little attention to the people who votes and serve them as they gave you their trust in governing them !

Life is so fragile that we never knows what happens next; I have only regrets that I didn't go earlier to SA's place. SHe took me as a very frequent customer, giving me fruits to eat while waiting and gave me her best masseur. I hope she is healthy and also life is taking care of her.

procrastinate

Sometimes we tend to wait a little longer when we know we should have done it right away, that it should not be left unattended. Our heart and head always play the Dr Jackryl and Mr Hyde game. Yes and No, just wait a little while lar.

In everyone of us there is always an urge to go for it, then again very often as well that there is something in that little corner telling us the opposite of what may be. Perhaps it's the fear of failure, perhaps it's the courage that is lack, or perhaps it's expectations of the outcome. We tend to procrastinate our action on what should've been done now. Some people wait their whole life and not realising what magic it would've done if they act on it now. Some regret their whole life for the passed chance. Then again, some may just fail when they act on it now. But then again, just that you know you have done and fail is always better then you have never act at all !

Life should be live and not just pass by, to fail and pick up to continue and perfecting the mistake is better then never had tried at all. After all life is not a smooth sailing course for it is these failures that will lead us to perfect and fine tune our lives better. Our ultimate reason in this journey on earth is to learn to be a better person so that no mistake is repeated the net time. Not measure by the amount of materials we own but by the amount of love that we give and receive in return. By the amount of knowledge and lesson we gather that leads us to wisdom and wise.

Even today I am a penniless person, I am learned. I was given the lesson to persevere and to continue on with my commitment to what I believe in. Rather then to change my course be someone whom I am not in order to be at par with people that are going after the wrong reason. Materials satisfaction is of second to the ultimate lesson one should learn form the situation. No matter how hard one needs from material satisfaction one should always not forget about the basic human nature and give in to the exterior pressure. All the pennies I earned will not be taken with me when I leave. All the pennies will be left behind to those who needs it most !

I am always not the person who will procrastinates, again lesson being given that I should not act in a haste. That may be I should wait a little longer, that I should look and see and evaluate.

There you are people acts differently in different stages of their life.

But never fear to go for it ! SO what stage are you now ?

a second chance

In the situation of life and death, there is just a very thin line between both. A very thin fine line and that line is being connected by will. When we have a strong will to die, we will let go of all and be in still. When we have a very strong will to survive, with all our might we want to continue breathing. Our will power dictates where we want to be and how we want to be.

Sometimes the more we struggle the worse the situation will become and very often just when we release off our struggle and let the flow be, we expect more then we envision it will be. Somehow my last encounter had given me a whole new perspective in life. I had done more then I should and I have been struggling too hard and too far ! I tried so much to see the outcome that I want it to happen. I want it my way. And very often it didn't come out the way I want it to be. One of Buddha's teaching is to welcome things with an open heart that is to let go of all expectations and struggle. Only will we be free from the burden of fear and failure.

I consider myself re-born to live life not the same way I should but better then I had. And always every person deserve a second chance, because no one is perfect. We repeat and repeat our mistakes to make ourselves a better person in the process of growing and learning.

To see the many things is so many angles and perspectives; sometimes to really listen and not by merely hearing. To see into things instead of just looking at it. Feel deeply with our heart rather then manipulated by our mind !

Does all these makes sense at all ? I seek to understand ...

Thank you so much for giving me a second chance,

Thank you for lifting me out from the struggle

I shall let you determine my destiny

on 13th August 2010 in Bali, it was Friday !

I don't know what to title this post. The last one week it was filled to the extreme .. new friendship ties, and strengthen another ! From someone casual to someone closer.

We had fun diving and sightseeing, we share jokes on food and people, from casual to close. And one incident change me forever, I am not sure. Just the day before, we were on top of the world with our wishes granted and permitted but the next day, at that same place we were brought to the entrance of hell .. teaching us the most important lesson in life, survival !

The whole group ( 7 of us including Divemaster Asa) was caught in the down current; we were separated as 2 groups; with one group hanging at the corals. And I was ok swimming near to the corals catching up on them. And when I turn back, I had no idea of what would come next. The only instinct is grab hold of her and not loss her. She is part of my responsibility, as I have unconsciously taken it from her buddy.

In that moment of struggle (we are being suck in the down current and me trying hard to inflate my BCD to lift 2 persons, we seems not to be moving up at all !! ) I was asking for help, I don't want to die. And I look up .. the sky is blue and visibility is clear from 20m ! I can see clearly the blue sky with white clouds ... I cry out for help, please help me ! And the next moment I know we are slowly lifted up to the surface.

The moment we were at the surface, my mind was on you where are you ? I keep asking the boatman where are you ? I told him in Bahasa one diver got drifted far out .. look far look out !! I was very worried for a moment, looking at the surface how far can the current brings you ! And a sausage came up floating, I thought it was the DM's but boatman says no ! then we pick up one more diver, yet there is no sign of you ! Where are you ?? Boat man decided to have a closer look whose diver is that ? A new sausage ! There you are the voice .. and I was relieved !

The rest I did not worry that much. Because the most important person at that moment is safe in my sight ! A friend in twitter asks me "who is in your mind?" I did not answer her immediately, because I wasn't sure what was in my mind. All I can think of is to be safe and when I am safe the next person in mind is you. The one that slip my hand; among the bubbles I saw you drifting away and within seconds was out of my sight !

I was frantically asking the boatman to look for you, but a different person show up ! I had to have my attention on her while in my heart and mind I had only you.

So in that very moment it was you in my mind. I was released from all others, I was set free and I think I am prepared for a new life !