Ma, Dou Cheh

I want to make this post dedicated to my mum who passed away on her birthday 19th Dec. 

Thank you mum, for standing by me through good and bad times.

Thank you mum, for caring after me all these years without any complains.

Thank you mum, for letting me see the most powerful love of all, just by being there ALL the time.

I come to experience another stage in my current journey on the true meaning of LOSING. Everything, materials wise, is worthless when the heart is so grief stricken and so heartfelt on the lost of a most important person in one's life. In this case, my mum had been 'that' person standing by me all along be it that I am happy, sad, joy or sorrow. More so when I am in deep mulling and worry about what the future lies, she just keep standing there by my side .. not wanting to interfere with my decisions nor change it, just quietly standing behind me ever ready to step up when I need her. She is the traditional thinking lady who will be keeping at side and not voicing anything but will stand up immediately with my very first call for help, no questions no complains; this is her greatest trait and her strongest power of love, supporting me, her only daughter, without blocking objecting to any of my decisions. To let your love one goes and experience everything that is awaiting but keeping at side to hold her when she falls.

I am the most rebellious and outgoing of my siblings and also the one that makes her worries to most as I fear nothing to reach out to my adventurous nature. I am the one that got sick the most, I am the one that visit the hospital the most during childhood, I am also the one that is the daredevils, I am also the one that speaks my mind as compares to my 2 brothers. Her traditional thinking of my lifestyle and career choice had been too much to bare, she had overcome her fear of letting me go. Then again she did it, she did let me go and let me fly as high as I aim though she knows that nothing can stop me from doing what I have set forth, I am as stubborn as she is. Though I always won over whenever I am not happy, my silence is her killer tools. She is my safety ground, though I know I have taken advantage of that for along time now. I will certainly miss her 'advises' and 'gossips'; it is my nature that I never like to gossip but will be 'updated' constantly of what happens among relatives and family members.

Mum is the one who had endure so much of pains to bring up the 3 of us siblings when dad is not at home all the time, excuses of work in overseas. Mum is the one who took over the role of dad, she is just an extraordinary woman from a poor family who doesn't read or write much, but she never fails to keep herself reading newspapers to learn more and updated of the current affairs. Though she has been laugh at on her illiteracy, she never fail to give us the best lesson in life; to be a better person, a responsible and hardworking human. 

I had always blessed any animals that got killed on the road whenever I pass one, or any death that I come across but this time I don't know who will bless my mum's. Seeing her condition deteriorate, all that comes into my mind is to take her pains off her, to let her go without much suffering. She had suffer much her life from an irresponsible husband and much pain in her as she did not receive the love that a partner should have given, she keeps it all to herself and raise us without any complains until the day every of us are ready for ourself.

Deep down I know that she worries of me the most if not the second. I can't give her a son in law nor any grandchildren. I am still her responsibility as long as I am still single, that is her traditional thinking, that is her conservative belief that a woman should be taken care by a man. But she had never once ask nor question me to seek knowledge of my love life. She allows me to choose the right time for myself. This, I remain and felt deeply sorry that I cannot fulfill her hope. I had wanted so much to give her and share my happiness in finding a partner, but fate has it that I can never fulfill this. It had been troubling and making me guilty that I did not realize her sickness sooner, from coughing. It was my fault for not taking good care of her. I could have been more alert of her conditions.

When I see her condition at the ICU without the ability to breathe on her own , I ask the most powerful to relieve her from the pain that she is suffering; if you are going to take her away let her be spare of all the pain. Let her go without pain and suffering.

Mum, I will miss you forever. May your soul rest in peace and I hope that when you read this you can give her a wish  ' Bless your soul'