Life and death

When My mum was warded at the emergency room last week, next to her bed was a woman of late 30s. She wanted to take her life, for what reason I would have guess is related to her husband and financial. Keep saying that she have only RM40 in her bank, well I think at some point in our life we will be thrown to the bottom so that we can triumph and return a much better person. She was sent in by her sister and father in law. Husband whereabout ? no idea. While here we are, my mum trying very hard to live on. Struggling to continue breathing. 

That moment I was really very confuse my mind keeps asking why would the creator create such a scene ? Here we are very worry about her life being taken away, there she wanted to give her life away.

With my mum's leaving, I truly felt the pain of losing. The moment of losing is very hard to accept when it is not meant to be yet. Most people would say it a battle lost without a fight, but to me I only want her to leave without any suffering. She have had enough suffering and pain in her life. She deserve to die painlessly.  

Everyday in our journey, things come and go in our life be it a human or a material. We tend to have feelings of like or hate. When we put in our deepest feelings into a person or an item, the time to part will be or tremendous hurt. It is like piercing into our core ! Losing my mum recently had melt my strong character down alot. I was brought up to be like a boy, as dad was not at home all the time and elder brother is always running away from problems leaving me the no.2 to handle most things. I learn to be strong and take over whatever my mum can't handle. I shut my emotion from the outside for a long long time until the zahir appeals and break ALL the concrete and metal walls that had been wrapping around me for years. I thank the zahir for allowing me to feel AGAIN. And now I can truly feel and express myself a little better; spiritually and emotionally. Though I am still a verbal cripple. I hope to learn this lesson soon enough to allow me to express freely.

I had always said that the communication between humans are very important that we need to open up to let all the flows in and out. But in cases, I know is easier said then done. Like the woman who had committed suicide, she is still very much verbal on expressing her mind and feelings, but in the case of my mum, she can't express what's in her as free as she could have. She is in a semi conscious state of mind. 

A 'special' friend posted a song in her facebook ' in the arms of the angel' .. I hope that my mum too is in the arms of the angel, and being guided to her final resting place where she belongs to.

May you rest in peace, mum. 

 

Ma, Dou Cheh

I want to make this post dedicated to my mum who passed away on her birthday 19th Dec. 

Thank you mum, for standing by me through good and bad times.

Thank you mum, for caring after me all these years without any complains.

Thank you mum, for letting me see the most powerful love of all, just by being there ALL the time.

I come to experience another stage in my current journey on the true meaning of LOSING. Everything, materials wise, is worthless when the heart is so grief stricken and so heartfelt on the lost of a most important person in one's life. In this case, my mum had been 'that' person standing by me all along be it that I am happy, sad, joy or sorrow. More so when I am in deep mulling and worry about what the future lies, she just keep standing there by my side .. not wanting to interfere with my decisions nor change it, just quietly standing behind me ever ready to step up when I need her. She is the traditional thinking lady who will be keeping at side and not voicing anything but will stand up immediately with my very first call for help, no questions no complains; this is her greatest trait and her strongest power of love, supporting me, her only daughter, without blocking objecting to any of my decisions. To let your love one goes and experience everything that is awaiting but keeping at side to hold her when she falls.

I am the most rebellious and outgoing of my siblings and also the one that makes her worries to most as I fear nothing to reach out to my adventurous nature. I am the one that got sick the most, I am the one that visit the hospital the most during childhood, I am also the one that is the daredevils, I am also the one that speaks my mind as compares to my 2 brothers. Her traditional thinking of my lifestyle and career choice had been too much to bare, she had overcome her fear of letting me go. Then again she did it, she did let me go and let me fly as high as I aim though she knows that nothing can stop me from doing what I have set forth, I am as stubborn as she is. Though I always won over whenever I am not happy, my silence is her killer tools. She is my safety ground, though I know I have taken advantage of that for along time now. I will certainly miss her 'advises' and 'gossips'; it is my nature that I never like to gossip but will be 'updated' constantly of what happens among relatives and family members.

Mum is the one who had endure so much of pains to bring up the 3 of us siblings when dad is not at home all the time, excuses of work in overseas. Mum is the one who took over the role of dad, she is just an extraordinary woman from a poor family who doesn't read or write much, but she never fails to keep herself reading newspapers to learn more and updated of the current affairs. Though she has been laugh at on her illiteracy, she never fail to give us the best lesson in life; to be a better person, a responsible and hardworking human. 

I had always blessed any animals that got killed on the road whenever I pass one, or any death that I come across but this time I don't know who will bless my mum's. Seeing her condition deteriorate, all that comes into my mind is to take her pains off her, to let her go without much suffering. She had suffer much her life from an irresponsible husband and much pain in her as she did not receive the love that a partner should have given, she keeps it all to herself and raise us without any complains until the day every of us are ready for ourself.

Deep down I know that she worries of me the most if not the second. I can't give her a son in law nor any grandchildren. I am still her responsibility as long as I am still single, that is her traditional thinking, that is her conservative belief that a woman should be taken care by a man. But she had never once ask nor question me to seek knowledge of my love life. She allows me to choose the right time for myself. This, I remain and felt deeply sorry that I cannot fulfill her hope. I had wanted so much to give her and share my happiness in finding a partner, but fate has it that I can never fulfill this. It had been troubling and making me guilty that I did not realize her sickness sooner, from coughing. It was my fault for not taking good care of her. I could have been more alert of her conditions.

When I see her condition at the ICU without the ability to breathe on her own , I ask the most powerful to relieve her from the pain that she is suffering; if you are going to take her away let her be spare of all the pain. Let her go without pain and suffering.

Mum, I will miss you forever. May your soul rest in peace and I hope that when you read this you can give her a wish  ' Bless your soul'

Adversity

I was trying to find something to write and was observing what is happening around me of late. They are a lot of things that is happening actually; a friend from the finance industry got retrench, another was staging a mass resign, one was having an old sickness comes back to haunt her, there are many other things that is evolving around us. The universe, God in accordance to your religion, is ever testing our perseverance and patience to rise above our problems and misfortunes. Everyday there tend to be disaster, be it nature or man made, in some corner of the world, everyday there tend to be dead, everyday there tend to crime committed voluntarily or accidently. Everyday among the many of us, things happen, misfortunes never stops, be it a sick family member, lost of assets, lost of life, lost of job. It is never ending but how each of us handles these adversities in life makes us who we are and what we evolve to be. 

All these are our lessons and tests, testing our ability to rise above these occasions or fall on the occasion. These are lesson for us to learn to be strong and not give up who we are. My young niece was asking why would anyone commit a crime of cheating, why would anyone kidnap a young girl; molest and kill her ? Why would anyone do such a thing of cheating ? and killing ? I can't answer her immediately, all I can advise her is what ever you do ... take into your HEART as consideration that you can face ourself and be true to your heart. Everyone of us are born pure and innocence, we embark on a journey with lot of high hopes and dreams but along the way we taint ourself with sins and guilts that at the end of the road we awakes and learn to repent our sins hoping that it will not be too late. 

In our everyday lives, or may be as in my life, there are many many things happening and evolving that makes me realize and connects with the spiritual side of me. I have been blessed with my own awakening on certain issues and sights that needed my attention or lessons thrown to me so that I learn from it. I have learned to listen instead of hearing, I have learn to be a little more patience instead of rushing in, I also learn to let my heart rule rather then allow my head decides. I accept that things happens for a reason and are a lesson for me to prepare me for the bigger issue that is on the way ! I am trying to learn from adversity, that all the misfortunes are just trials and as in any journey the bumpier it is the more fun it will be. Instead of a life that is plain and dull.

Preparation; I come to realize and accept that all crisis are blessings in some ways that it prepares us for the next chapter in our life, the next journey that we are to embark on. That we should not be weaken by what had transpire and any misfortunes that had bestow on us. 

How much you can take adversity ? How would you come out of it ?

Where is your child now ?

It is now school holiday and the kids at home are so free and bore that they try to find time to do something more useful rather then staying at home watching TV or playing computer games.

My elder niece is trying to fill in time by helping me update my database contacts in exchange for a meal and a minimal pocket money. Other kids are going for holiday camp and indulge in some relaxations.

Just now I was sending a friend back home after lunch when my eyes caught these 2 little girl sitting next to the dump bins. I thought they are playing around, but I was a little shock to see that they  (I assume are sisters as they look alike) are running through every piece of bottles; plastics and glass. Sniffing the contents and separating them ! The first thought came to my mind was where are their parents ? How is the family condition ? As a child they lose their childhood, perhaps by helping their mum to feed their younger siblings. It always trouble me to see that kids have to help out parents or being in an abusive family. 

Kids nowadays are expose to being street smart rather then being academic smart. A lot of parents encourages their children to stop school if the they don’t do well; why less parentsare encouraging their kids to finish school ? Then again there is always the debate of what’s the point of having a master’s degree when a street smart guy can earn double the graduate ? Well that’s always the debate. To me it doesn’t matter how much a person earn either in monetary or degree, if he is a scoundrel or con he is NOT worth a single dime in character and respect. A degree holder can be earning as low as he don’t deserve BUT if he earn it through his efforts and hard work, he well deserve every single cents. If the street smart guy earns thousands via vice and drugs he is worth nothing !

I would rather teach my kids to be a better person then to have them holding a doctorate but earning money through scams and laundering ! Likewise though the kid is not smart enough to finish college, at least I’ll teach him to be an honest person. Being honest to oneself though can be seen as stupid by others is not a sin. The universe have eyes and are aware of whats happening; there was a chinese saying 'the kind hearted will be bullied by fellow human, but not by the universe'

We come into this world without a single cent in our body, nor do we wear any branded cloth with us. When we live, we can never bring what we gain from this journey with us like we come but we can live behind memories and a name to people who had share our journey. If in your lifetime you can touch at least 5 people, your life is not a waste.

Children, I read somewhere, is like flour. It is so pure and white, it is the baker that molds the shape of the bread, bun or cake and tops it with coloring and icings that it change to become hard, soft, colorful or plain. If we simply put the responsibility to the oven or cooker to decided what shape and color for the bread or cake or bun then it will turn out to be nonsense and useless; its neither here nor there and you have to throw it away. So please do not let your kids be thrown away, when you can simply spend little more time to mold them. Please do not let go of your responsibility to the teachers at school, they have no responsibility to remind your son or daughter to clean their plates after dinner or wash their feet before sleep nor wish their grand parents.

Where is your child now ?