claustrophobe

Last Sunday, we went to the local mall nearby and it was the last day of school holiday as well as Father’s Day, so it pretty full in the car park and we have to move to the highest level.

Lift came went in with 2 more people, and it was full. So the next level down, came another family of 5 squeezing in; being the tolerant and culture we have in this multi racial country. Most of us keep quite. The door closed but was having a little problem closing actually. DANG !!! it jammed !!!! we are being lock inside !!!

And no one acted anything, I ask the boy nearest to the emergency phone to press the button asking for help. This “ah Pek” from the family was yelling and shouting ... from his voice one can hear of his desperation and fear ! It is just a lift jam not a dying situation.

I am claustrophobic but I am not like him .. he is so extremely hyper, calling out to his friend yelling and banging the lift door asking for help. When clearly the maintenance guy had given instruction to wait they are coming to help. Still Ah Pek is afraid that he keep calling out to his friend outside and banging the door. Until I have to tell to him keep quite and not doing anything, the maintenance guy say wait and he is rectifying the problem. Bare in mind all these yelling and banging happens within less then 10mins. And we are out of the lift in less then 15 mins !!! I would say the maintenance is very efficient, may be due to too regular breakdown.

I do not understand why he had acted that way, when his sons and daughter even wife is quiet and waiting. Didn’t even show any sign of fear but him; he was so frantic. At that moment, he really acted and clearly show his fear. What is he afraid of ? I have to admit that when I walk out of the lift, I felt dizzy. And need to get fresh air kind of feeling though luckily inside the lift the ventilation fan is working well.

But what really intrigue me is the way this guy reacted, so annoying and so paranoid !! Always remember, and I always keep in mind whenever there is a crisis stop think act; there is no point panicking ...

drift

I couldn’t write, I can’t see and I can't absorb what is around me. I was so self centered and lost. I really felt lost and drifting away. My mind is not focus, for whatever reason I wasn’t sure. It could be that I am tire, physically and mentally. As I grow, my body resistance tends to weaken. As I hit more walls my soul and spirit become more tire and weary then before. And the more walls one hit the more fear grows and the more resilient we built.

Age could have a part in it, as I prepare to face my next decade. I have never felt so tire before. Perhaps the last decade have utilise all my energy without reservation and go to the maximum. I suddenly lost the passion to drive on. And with my mind so weak and lost I couldn’t perform as what a Gemini is best at, powerful thoughts and mental stimulations. My body is telling me everyday that it is tire, but this cannot be. This cannot be the condition any longer, I know somewhere inside me knows that I need to get out, get up and move on. One small steps will leads to another bigger one. And then just as I step up, I hit the wall again, stumble and fall.

I hit the wall, I sit there, recuperate and stand up, I again hit the wall, quickly stand up, then again I hit, this time .. I just sit there staring blankly ahead !

A friend told me that for whatever reason I must not give up, because behind those dark clouds always they will be silver lining. I know deep down inside me I will never give up, I will find ways to carry on; but of late there are many question that I ask myself the reason I have to carry on. I can't seems to answer any. Perhaps, I have push myself too hard or I have not done enough ?

The more I force myself to try to find away out of the situation the more frustration I come into. Sometimes, it is best to just let it be when we know all that we want to do have been done. I am learning to be patience but the waiting is always excruciating and painful.

What else can be done then ?

Lake retreat

Want to share with you here a beautiful retreat located in Chenderoh Lake between Gerik and Kuala Kangsar, Perak.

SukaSuka Lake Retreat ... my brothers and I had frequented this lake for our annual fishing for quite some years now. But this place had some how elude from us as my brother had tried numerous times to get in contact with them without success. However a recent article provides him with an updated contact. And I would say may be this is destine that we finally get to come to this place... alas. And to top it we were cast away .. only 3 of us in the whole island alone. The owner had another property in mainland near to the village jetty and was running full house, so that is the reason why we are left on the island alone. That's a nice experience like having our very own place to ourselves. It was nice, but because I was sick before and during the trip I didn't really venture out of the canteen / reception area. And really wanted to rest. Otherwise I wold have sit outside and admire the silence and also the skies.

But one funny thing, I seems to have unique experiences with moon. I was awaken by the stillness (no wind and it was a little humid) then I saw outside, the moon was rising in between the tress in the horizon behind the mountains with the lake reflecting its light.. If I am feeling better then I would have walk outside and take in the whole moment.. that moment !

The moon was rising behind those mountains.

The path that leads to the rooms ... grasses are nicely trim, reflects a well kept garden.

And funny part is, the owner trusted us 3 with their 'home' .. allowing us to be home alone in their home, which they claim in their 15 years of operation they have never hand their home to anyone before.

Is this 'takdir' ? Destine ?

41 years ago

41 years ago I was born into this world, my mom went into labor in the middle of the night and pray that I be born past the 15th (Chinese new moon) as it is believe that a baby born during new moon or full moon will have a hard life, especially if I am born on the same day as Buddha, who will suffer hardship. And it was also during this time 41 years ago, racial tension grows into violent with curfews and killings of innocent Chinese. Mom deliver me in darkness and having to hold back her pain without any scream, and even when I was born, no noises are being made for fear of discovered.

Though I was not born on new moon day,I was born to have a very hard life and I have come to accept it by now, then again no matter how hard life will I am determine to overcome every challenge and barrier that lies ahead. Every corner is a turning, and every turning there could be lights; hence after every storm there will be sunshine, only when we have persevere through it all we will be able to see them. I have learned this well. Though it can be tire at times, but with courage and hope; I am sure one day, we will make it no matter how slow it takes us .. as long as we are sincere and pure the universe will soon lead us through.

Last weekend, I had an amazing encounter. I saw a pair of beautiful 'flower snakehead' fish 2 years ago; their scene is still very vivid in my mind. Beautiful couple swimming in the water playful like yin and yang. And that time I had tried so hard to try to fish them and provoke them but have not the slight chance. And it is believe that this kind of fish is difficult to catch. I am consider one of the lucky one; I had the chance to fish it out ! I was surprise to see it .. the body had 4 dots 'flowers' and its eyes are red ! And as my brother says no point to keep this fish as we may not be able to rear it alive and also they are always a pair so release it back to the water to be united with its partner. And in anyway I really do not want to separate them either.

Will this be luck or is it pure co-incidence ?

I tried as much as I can to go away during my birthdays, one of the more memorable one is when I went to Luang Prabang, Laos. A trip that I went alone, hearing and reading from news and articles that it is a place time stood still. I want to see for myself how it gets its name. Truly enough Luang Prabang is a memorable experience, though all my pictures have lost due to my mac crash and no back up before that.

I have 2 pictures left that will keep my memory of this place.

A beautiful water fall ..

Offering merit to the hundreds of monk on the morning of my 38 birthday .. I learned that it is not offering, to me I felt like I have enough to share with my fellow human being my wealth. And from then on, I tried to share as much as I can thinking that I always have enough.

What about you ? Which is your most memorable birthday so far ?